By: katie lersch: I often hear from wives who live in constant fear that they will have to deal with another round of cheating or yet another affair. Many times, their husband has repeatedly assured them that they have nothing to worry about and that he’ll never cheat again. But of course, that’s a hard sell to someone who has already been betrayed once.
In the back of their minds many wives are thinking “yes, and I thought I didn’t have anything to worry about before and yet you cheated on me then. What’s to stop you from doing it again? How am I supposed to trust you when you’ve already betrayed me once and I never saw it coming?”
There’s no doubt that restoring the trust can certainly be a challenge. But living in fear is really no way to live at all. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips to help you if you’re having constant fear of him cheating again.
Do You Really Believe That He’s Sorry, That’s He’s Rehabilitated And That Your Marriage Can Recover?: These really are the questions that you must answer. Because if you can’t very confidently answer yes to these questions, then there’s still work to do because you still have doubts. And the doubts really are the root of all fear.
Now, I realize it’s very difficult (if not impossible not to have doubts.) But if they are constant and if you don’t know how to respond to them, then they will take over everything else.
And if you have done the work with your husband that necessary for recovery and have strengthened both yourself and your marriage, then frankly, the doubts do not have nearly as much power over you anymore.
Yes, they still come. But they are much easier to brush off and to quiet because you have laid a new foundation. If you’ve not yet there, this doesn’t mean that you can’t get there. It just may mean that you still need some time, need some more assistance, or you need more from him.
If you do not have what you need, sometimes you have to take responsibility for getting it. Yes, recovery lies mostly on your husband’s shoulders because he is the one who cheated. However, he can’t always read your mind or know what you need. Men aren’t as intuitive as we might like them to be.
And, to be fair, many men tell me that they will ask their wives what they can do to help her and she will rebuke him or tell him that she’s fine when very obviously she is not.
So, it can really help to take a very honest look at where you are in the recovery process and make sure that you have everything you need. If you have your doubts about his rehabilitation or remorse, then by all means address this. If you still don’t believe your marriage will survive, then act rather than allowing the doubts to win.
How Confident Are YOU In YOURSELF?: Please don’t think I’m putting all of the responsibility on you because I’m not. But, in addition to your beliefs about your husband and your marriage, your belief in yourself can truly make or break your recovery and your confidence after his affair.
I often ask women in this situation what they are so very afraid of that they are living in fear. They will often say something like “I am desperately afraid that he’ll cheat again.” To which I’ll often reply “but why?”
And they will hesitate. Of course they don’t want to go through this again. No one does. But at the end of the day, you have to know that you will be just fine no matter what. You have to have confidence in yourself that, should he betray you again despite your best efforts, you are strong enough to handle it.
I know this may not seem like a good or fair deal – but neither is living in fear. Because when you are filled with fear and doubt, you can’t really live completely fully.
When you’re so fearful or obsessed about the next affair or the next bout of cheating, you can’t be fully invested in your marriage and your husband will know the difference. In essence, you could well be bringing about exactly what you don’t want to happen – the failure of your marriage – all because of your fears.
I know that this is difficult, but you don’t deserve to live in fear. Please do whatever you need to do to make a decision about rebuilding your marriage and yourself. Because regaining your confidence in your marriage and your own abilities really can help to quiet those doubts.
I did live in fear for a while after my husband’s affair. But then I decided I was really just sentencing myself to more pain – which I certainly didn’t deserve – so I choose to let that go. Today, my marriage is stronger than it ever was. My husband proved himself worthy and I no longer live in that fear. If it helps, you can read about how I got past the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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