By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women who are struggling not only to deal with their husband’s infidelity, but who are also trying to process the fact that he cheated with a much younger woman. This will often cause even more pain and insecurity because the wife fears that she is fighting a battle that can never be won.
I heard from a wife who said: “it’s bad enough that my husband cheated on me and had an affair. But the fact that he cheated on me with a young woman almost half of our age is almost more than I can bear. I feel like I will never be able to compete with her or even the memory of her. He has broken it off and says he wants for us to start over and begin again. He says that he still loves me and is still attracted to me. He says that the affair had nothing to do with the other’s woman’s age and that it was only him trying to feel young again. I want to believe him because we have children and I want to save my family. But I wonder how he can even be attracted to me since he knows that he can attract and be with a younger woman. The other woman isn’t a beauty queen by any means, but she is much younger than I am. And I just don’t think that any man would chose an older woman over a younger one. I’m not ugly by any means. People tell me all the time that I am very pretty, but I still don’t think I stand a chance.” I will tell you my take on this in the following article.
I understood why this wife felt the way that she did. I’ve been in this situation also and I know that the the insecurity from this can make you feel old, tired, and worthless. But what I didn’t understand at the time (and what this wife likely didn’t understand right now) was that the husband had already given the younger woman up. There was no competition.
What you are truly dealing with is understandable insecurity that you don’t deserve to live with for the rest in your life. So, in the following article, I will outline some ways to move past the insecurity so that you can restore the confidence that you deserve.
Understand That Attraction Is Not Only Based On Looks And Age: While it can be true that looks provide the initial spark of attraction, it is not someone’s looks (or even their age) that contributes to the long term success of any relationship. What really counts is compatibility, shared experiences, deep understandings, and commitment. This is something that you have that the other woman can not touch.
I absolutely understand feeling insecure right now. I felt the same way. But please understand that who you are and the attributes that you possess have not changed one bit. You are the exact same person today as you were before the affair. However, your perceptions of yourself have understandably been shaken. So now, we have to focus on changing your perceptions to rebuild your confidence.
When You Know That You Are Worthwhile And Desirable, Then You Don’t Cling To What Someone Else Thinks: If you remember anything from this article, I want for you to remember this. You are the same worthwhile and valuable person that you were twenty years ago. This wife knew that she was attractive. She knew it in her heart and this was confirmed by several others who had no interest in her marriage or her life. So now, she just had to embrace this, claim it, and vow that she was not going to allow someone else’s actions to shake her faith in herself. She had earned the right to her self confidence by grit and by experience. She didn’t need to allow for someone else to take this from her.
I can not stress enough how important it is that you claim and embrace your own beauty. You are not competing against any one else. Your only responsibility is to yourself. If there is something about your looks that you don’t like, then by all means change it. But if you know in your heart that you are perfectly fine, then don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.
Because here is the truth. Your husband isn’t going to be as attracted to you if you don’t own your own worth. If you walk around as though you have something to apologize for, then you will continue to struggle with insecurity. But if you love yourself and decide that he can either get with the program or not, you will often find that he finds this sort of confidence very attractive.
You have nothing to over compensate for. Both you and your husband have the life experiences that mean you are a little older. This has been hard fought and you don’t need to compete with anyone. I suspect you will find that if you embrace what is special about you and make no apologies for it, you will find that your husband is still attracted to you. But interestingly enough, once you embrace and love yourself, you will often find that you are no longer holding your breath over what he thinks.
As I alluded to, I was shaken by the fact that the other woman was younger. But eventually, I decided that worrying about something that I couldn’t control wasn’t serving or strengthening me in any way. So I decided to strengthen myself. This made a huge difference. I no longer worried about how my husband felt as long as I liked what I saw. And I believe that this made all of the difference. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com
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