By: Katie Lersch: It’s normal to have doubts about your spouse’s motivations when they chose their marriage after an affair. Did he choose you because the other woman broke it off? Did he choose you out of guilt? Because of the kids? Very few of us believe that he chose us simply because we are who he wanted – plain and simple. An affair can diminish your self esteem like nothing else. A lot of the time, these fears are thankfully not realized. But what happens when your spouse actually admits that your fears are true? What if it is only about the kids?
Here’s a common scenario. A wife might say: “when I found out about my husband’s affair, I told him that I was not going to play second fiddle. And I told him that I would not wait around. I hoped that my being very direct in this way would encourage him to end it right away. He did not. He told me that he did, but I caught him continuing to call and text. He probably could not see her very often because I kept him on a very short leash, but that did not keep him from keeping in touch. I kept telling him that I knew what he was doing, but this did not stop him. I made the mistake of telling my kids. I know that any expert would tell me not to involve my children, but I could not help it. I did not want for them to blame me if there was a divorce. After about a month of my husband sneaking around, I didn’t see any more evidence. He ended it. At that time, I didn’t ask him why because I didn’t really care. While working on our marriage, I will admit that I have had a lot of insecurities. And it frustrates my husband. And usually he will tell me that I worry too much. But last night, he got upset with me and admitted that he stayed only because my children asked him to. He said if we did not have children, he would still be with the other woman. What am I supposed to do with this? If I end it because of this knowledge, then I am the one who broke up my kids’ home.”
I know that this is an incredibly difficult situation. It is probably hard to think rationally because of all of the emotions involved. That is why I would suggest not making any decisions that are going to be important or lasting because they might be tainted with emotion instead of logic.
After you have taken some time, I think that the most important question to ask yourself is what do you truly want. I know that the kids influence your decision and I believe that they should. I freely admit that they influenced mine. I do not think that it is possible to be an effective parent and not to also consider your children’s home life and upbringing. My parents were divorced and, without question, it influenced the adult that I became and how I functioned in my own marriage.
However, in some cases, it is not possible or desirable to save the marriage. And I do understand that. But I believe that if you want to save your marriage and you are both there only because you are committed to trying to save your family, then there is not anything wrong with that and that this is not an impossible situation. I freely admit that was why I stayed in the beginning, I only stayed with my husband because of our kids. I questioned my love for him. I wondered if I would ever trust him again. But I was willing to attempt to salvage things for my kids.
There were days my kids were the only thing keeping me there. But, over time, I began to realize that I was staying because we were making progress and my feelings were returning. So yes, my kids kept me there initially. But my rebuilt marriage kept me there for the long term.
People do rebuild their marriages. And when they do, the feelings return. So your husband may think that he’s not feeling it for you today. But that is because, right now, your marriage is struggling. When your marriage is strong again, the feelings may be strong again also.
I know it’s hard to get past why he is there. But when you are motivated to save your marriage, the most important thing is that he is there. So, I think you do the best you can, you give it your best shot, and then see where you are after a period of time. If it doesn’t work out, then you know you tried and you know that you did your very best for your kids. But if it does work out, then it was worth the fight – regardless of what the initial reasoning was. At least that’s why I think.
I am sure that my husband didn’t like knowing that I only stayed for the kids, but I believe at that point, he was willing to have me stay for the kids instead of not staying at all. You can read the rest at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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