By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are completely perplexed as to why their spouse would continue to try to deny aspects of his affair when, for the most part, the truth is already in the open. Often, the faithful spouse doesn’t understand the need to keep lying when the farce is essentially up.
I might hear a comment like: “I caught my husband in an affair. I found his texts to one of his coworkers and I called the other woman. She had plenty to tell me and she confirmed the affair and even gave me some details. I confronted my husband and the look on his face was confirmation enough. After I repeatedly demanded more information, he confirmed that their relationship was inappropriate and sexual, but he is stopping short of calling it a full blown affair. That’s certainly not the impression that the other woman gave me. After I talked to my husband, I called the other woman back to get even more details. And every time I confront my husband about these details, there’s usually at least some of them that he continues to try to lie about or deny. I just do not understand this. Why would he need to continue to lie when I already know there was an affair and I can go to the other woman to get more details if I need to? is this man just incapable of telling me the truth?”
I obviously can’t answer this question from personal experience because I’m not a man who has cheated. I am a wife who have been cheated on. And I do hear from a lot of cheating husbands on my blog. So I have a definite theory on why a man would continue to lie about an affair when some of the truth has already come out. I will give more details about this below.
Sometimes, He Continues To Lie Because He Doesn’t Want To Face The Truth: It’s just human nature to try to minimize grief and pain, especially when you are the one responsible for it. If your husband still cares for you, then he’s going to know that the details of the affair are going to hurt you and cause you pain. So in his own mind, he may be lying (or at least omitting some details) in order to spare you some pain. Also, there is a chance that he could be in denial. Often, the idea of having to own up to his actions are overwhelming to him, so he may have some motivation to continue to deny or lessen the blow until that just isn’t possible anymore.
Sometimes, Lying Has Become An Addicting Habit: When people cheat on their spouses, they have to almost make lying common place, at least where the affair is concerned. It’s almost as if they build up an alternate reality in order to function in both worlds. And this becomes a habit that can be hard to shake. So, he may not be consciously lying just for the practice of it. He’s just acting out of habit. He may not even realize that he is doing it because it has become a habit that he is going to have to very consciously try to break.
Sometimes, He Needs To Realize That The Lying Will Have To Stop If He Wants To Move Forward: Some men lie because they figure they will attempt to see just what you are going to accept from them or allow them to get away with. So, sometimes it is in your best interest to set the boundaries early on so that he knows he needs to become friends with the truth immediately.
A suggested script might be something like: “I hear what you are saying, but I have to tell you that I already have information that is contrary to this. The other woman has given me information that indicates exactly the opposite of what you are saying. I have to tell you that in order to heal and determine what I want moving forward, I am going to need the truth. If you refuse to give that to me, then I don’t see how our marriage has a chance. I won’t continue to be lied to. That is not acceptable to me. If you need time to think about this, that’s fine. But the next time we talk about this, I am going to expect nothing but the truth from you. And if I suspect that you aren’t telling me the truth, then I am going to work tirelessly to make sure that I have completely accurate information. And if I don’t feel as if I am getting it from you, then I’m going to have no choice but to look elsewhere. You can save us a lot of time, delay, and aggravation by just telling me the truth. I believe that I deserve that. And if our marriage is important to you, I’d hope that you respect me enough to look me in the eye and tell me the truth.”
I’d love to tell you that this speech is going to make your husband fall all over himself to tell you the absolute truth, but I can’t promise that. However, what I can tell you is that at least you will have made it clear about what you expect. And if he continues to lie, then at least you will have made that clear before you determine how to proceed. Sometimes, once he truly believes that you are not going to allow him to continue to lie, he will have no choice but to tell the truth.
I’m sure my husband tried to posture in a similar way after his affair. But I was very clear early on that this was not going to be acceptable. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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