By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who feel as if, no matter what they do, they can’t seem to shake the other woman with whom their husband had an affair. Even though the husband has supposedly told her that it is over and that he is going to try to save his marriage, she has apparently decided to wait for him and to continue to hope that the affair relationship works out.
Here is what you might hear from a wife struggling with this issue: “I will admit that my husband lead the other woman on. When they were having their affair, he told her that he was going to divorce me to be with her. He admits this. But once I found out about the affair, I left him. He says he didn’t anticipate how much he would miss me and how much he’d realize that he didn’t want to lose me. So he sent the other woman an email to break it off. I read the email. He told her that he now realized the affair was a mistake and that he was going to stay with his wife. He asked her not to contact him and to move on with her life. She wrote back that she ‘would wait for him.’ He asked her please not to and insisted there was no longer any chance. She wrote back that she was waiting anyway. That was four months ago. My husband and I are working very hard on our marriage. There have been some improvements but there have also been some set backs. Still, the other day, my husband got another email from her that said: ‘I’m still waiting.’ I told him not to even respond to her. But for how long is she going to wait? It’s hard for me. Because I feel like I can’t move on with my marriage and with my life until she moves on. So for how much longer am I going to have to wait?”
It’s impossible for me to predict for how long the other woman will still cling to hope. I would think that it would depend upon what else is going on in her life and if, hopefully, she meets someone else to whom she can turn her attention.
But, quite frankly, you should not put your life on hold for her. Her moving on is up to her and it shouldn’t affect your bottom line in any way. Ignoring the last email was, at least in my opinion, the right thing to do. I would continue to do the exact same thing. I would continue to work on my marriage and not even allow her to be any part of the equation.
When it becomes clear to her that your husband isn’t including her in his life in any way, she will eventually have to assume that she is just wasting her time. Whether this will matter to her enough so that she stops waiting, well, only she knows that. But as long as no one is giving her any reason to hope for a future with the husband, then what she does with her life in the meantime is her own business. You can’t be responsible or involved with how she spends her time.
The best thing to do is to allow her to leave your mind, to give up all thoughts of her, and to hope that she does the same. Right now, your biggest concern is your marriage. Your husband ended it. He can’t do anymore than that. Since she’s not calling, texting, or attempting to see him in person, then the best thing to do is to continue to ignore her “I’m waiting” emails or to block them if you can.
She’s hoping for a response. If you don’t give her one, she may eventually give up. But whether she does or not isn’t really your problem. It is her life. Hopefully, eventually she will realize that holding on isn’t in her best interest.
But you can’t be responsible for her. You have yourself and your marriage to worry about. I know you feel you can’t move on until you know that she has too. But please reconsider that. She is only in your life if you allow her to be. The more you think of her and worry if she’s still waiting, the more power she has over you and the more you are still allowing her into your life. This is exactly what she wants. Don’t play that game. Focus on your own life and your own marriage and trust that one day soon, she will do the same. But if she doesn’t, it really can’t or shouldn’t affect your bottom line.
In my own situation, I found that the more I took the focus away from the other woman and placed it on myself and on my marriage, the better off I was. If it helps, you can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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