Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are completely perplexed as to why their spouse would continue to try to deny aspects of his affair when, for the most part, the truth is already in the open. Often, the faithful spouse doesn’t understand the need to keep lying when the farce is essentially up.

I might hear a comment like: “I caught my husband in an affair. I found his texts to one of his coworkers and I called the other woman. She had plenty to tell me and she confirmed the affair and even gave me some details. I confronted my husband and the look on his face was confirmation enough. After I repeatedly demanded more information, he confirmed that their relationship was inappropriate and sexual, but he is stopping short of calling it a full blown affair. That’s certainly not the impression that the other woman gave me. After I talked to my husband, I called the other woman back to get even more details. And every time I confront my husband about these details, there’s usually at least some of them that he continues to try to lie about or deny. I just do not understand this. Why would he need to continue to lie when I already know there was an affair and I can go to the other woman to get more details if I need to? is this man just incapable of telling me the truth?”

I obviously can’t answer this question from personal experience because I’m not a man who has cheated. I am a wife who have been cheated on. And I do hear from a lot of cheating husbands on my blog. So I have a definite theory on why a man would continue to lie about an affair when some of the truth has already come out. I will give more details about this below.

Sometimes, He Continues To Lie Because He Doesn’t Want To Face The Truth: It’s just human nature to try to minimize grief and pain, especially when you are the one responsible for it. If your husband still cares for you, then he’s going to know that the details of the affair are going to hurt you and cause you pain. So in his own mind, he may be lying (or at least omitting some details) in order to spare you some pain. Also, there is a chance that he could be in denial. Often, the idea of having to own up to his actions are overwhelming to him, so he may have some motivation to continue to deny or lessen the blow until that just isn’t possible anymore.

Sometimes, Lying Has Become An Addicting Habit: When people cheat on their spouses, they have to almost make lying common place, at least where the affair is concerned. It’s almost as if they build up an alternate reality in order to function in both worlds. And this becomes a habit that can be hard to shake. So, he may not be consciously lying just for the practice of it.  He’s just acting out of habit. He may not even realize that he is doing it because it has become a habit that he is going to have to very consciously try to break.

Sometimes, He Needs To Realize That The Lying Will Have To Stop If He Wants To Move Forward: Some men lie because they figure they will attempt to see just what you are going to accept from them or allow them to get away with. So, sometimes it is in your best interest to set the boundaries early on so that he knows he needs to become friends with the truth immediately.

A suggested script might be something like: “I hear what you are saying, but I have to tell you that I already have information that is contrary to this. The other woman has given me information that indicates exactly the opposite of what you are saying. I have to tell you that in order to heal and determine what I want moving forward, I am going to need the truth. If you refuse to give that to me, then I don’t see how our marriage has a chance. I won’t continue to be lied to. That is not acceptable to me. If you need time to think about this, that’s fine. But the next time we talk about this, I am going to expect nothing but the truth from you. And if I suspect that you aren’t telling me the truth, then I am going to work tirelessly to make sure that I have completely accurate information. And if I don’t feel as if I am getting it from you, then I’m going to have no choice but to look elsewhere. You can save us a lot of time, delay, and aggravation by just telling me the truth. I believe that I deserve that. And if our marriage is important to you, I’d hope that you respect me enough to look me in the eye and tell me the truth.”

I’d love to tell you that this speech is going to make your husband fall all over himself to tell you the absolute truth, but I can’t promise that. However, what I can tell you is that at least you will have made it clear about what you expect. And if he continues to lie, then at least you will have made that clear before you determine how to proceed.  Sometimes, once he truly believes that you are not going to allow him to continue to lie, he will have no choice but to tell the truth.

I’m sure my husband tried to posture in a similar way after his affair.  But I was very clear early on that this was not going to be acceptable.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are extremely concerned about their spouse’s behavior and what this in turn means for their marriage after an affair. A big concern happens when the cheating spouse makes no attempt to come home. This can leave the faithful spouse wondering what this turn of events means for their marriage.

You might hear a concern like: “one of my husband’s coworkers who is also my friend told me that he was having an affair with one of his women colleagues. I had hoped that my friend was just wrong. But she wasn’t. As soon as I confronted my husband, he admitted it pretty much immediately. I was so angry with him that I said some pretty mean and awful things so we got into a huge fight. My husband grabbed a few clothes and he left. And he has not been back since. We’ve been in contact a couple of times but when we are, my husband never discusses coming home. He swears that he is not with the other woman. But if this is true, why doesn’t he want to come home? Does his not even attempting to come back mean my marriage is over? Because I can’t not think of a reason that he wouldn’t want to come home unless he just doesn’t care about me or our marriage any more.” I will try to address these concerns below.

There are actually many reasons that a cheating spouse may not be immediately attempting to come home. I will go over some of those reasons for this as well as offer some suggestions on how to handle this below.

Some Possible Reasons That A Cheating Spouse Won’t Try To Come Home: It’s very normal to assume the worst case scenario here. Many faithful spouses will assume that the cheating spouse is staying away because he no longer loves them or is no longer invested in the marriage. And I won’t tell you that this can’t possibly be the case. Sometimes, it is. But there are other possibilities as well.

Sometimes, the cheating spouse stays away because he respects you enough to give you some time to process this. He may also assume that you are so angry that you really don’t want to see his face right now. Or, he may want for some time to go by and for emotions to calm a little bit before he attempts to come back home. Or, he may be waiting for you to give him some sign or to take the lead. Often, he has no idea how you are feeling or what you want. So he’s waiting for you to give him some guidance before he attempts to come home and is possibly turned away or rejected. As you can see, not all of these reasons mean that he no longer wants you or the marriage. He could be confused or giving you time or waiting to get more information from you before he over steps any boundaries that may no longer be his right to cross.

How You Might Want To Handle This: Frankly, sometimes having a little time apart or allowing a little distance in order for the anger and panic to wane can actually be beneficial. So there often isn’t a real need to rush things. I would honestly suggest giving yourself enough time to decide what you might want before you even approach this situation. In other words, if you’re not sure if you want to save this marriage, then there may not be any point in trying to get him home right now. But, if you come to the conclusion that you do want to save your marriage, know that this doesn’t always require that he comes home. What I’m trying to say is that you are better off making sure that he comes home at the appropriate time than trying to rush it and then making the situation worse.

I always feel that you should focus on healing the relationship first and worry about the logistics later. In other words, if you can heal your marriage, then saving it is going to be the next logical step anyway. And if you take care of the healing, then things generally fall into place without your needing to fret too much over this. So, I would think that you need to address what is going to happen moving forward before you worry about him coming home. Urging him home before either of you are ready may just set you up for failure.

So I would suggest something like: “I know that we are in the middle of a difficult situation right now but I’m wondering if you have any idea as to how you want to move forward. I can’t ignore the fact that you’ve made no attempt to come home. I am just wondering if this has any implications on how you feel or what you might want. Can you share with me if you have any feelings about moving forward? Or are you just unsure and reluctant to make any decisive move?”

Then you just sit back and listen. Allow him the time to make a complete response. He may tell you that he doesn’t yet know what he wants. He may ask you how you feel right now. But either way, at least you will have had a conversation and are no longer completely in the dark about his motivations.

I think that it’s sometimes best not to look to far ahead until you have made progress on healing.  My husband did eventually come back home and we did eventually reconcile.  But, early on, I was just focusing on my situation day by day because that was really all I was able to handle at one time.  If I had looked too far ahead, I may have become overwhelmed.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who have no doubt that their husband has ended his affair. They have often kept very close tabs on him and are satisfied that he is no longer seeing the other woman. Unfortunately though, even though he is no longer with her physically the wife worries that he still invested emotionally or that he has never gotten over the affair.

You might hear comments like: “when I demanded that my husband end his affair, he did so. He didn’t really question this demand. He just agreed to it. And after this, he did start coming home on time and staying home. I do believe that he’s no longer participating in the affair. However, at the same time, I don’t think that he is really over it. He often just mopes around and has a faraway look on his face. The other day, I looked at the history on our computer and saw that he was looking at the other woman’s Facebook page. He’s obviously trying to keep tabs on her and see what or how she is doing now and this bothers me. When I mention this to my husband, he says he’s not sure what else I want from him. He says he is not longer in contact with her and they no longer have a relationship, but that he can’t help the way that he feels. He says that he can’t and won’t pretend that he doesn’t still care about her but that he’s made a commitment to me and he is going to honor it. Well, I want more from him than just a commitment. I want for him to love me. I want for him to want only me. How can we move forward in our marriage when he isn’t really over the affair? Will he ever get over it? Does our marriage even stand a chance if he’s not really over this other woman?”

I know that this is a difficult situation. Dealing with infidelity is very painful. But it is easier if your husband is falling over himself to show you that it is only you who he loves. When this doesn’t happen or when you believe that she still has some hold over him (even when she’s out of the picture) this can cause huge amounts of doubt about his love for you and about your marriage.

This Is A Very Common Situation That Often Improves With Time And Patience: It may help to know that it’s relatively common for a man who has just ended an affair to still have some feelings, particularly if it hasn’t been that long since he ended the affair. And that’s also especially true if he was encouraged to end the relationship suddenly and without much closure. But it’s also common that, with time, the feelings fade and eventually disappear altogether. Sometimes it doesn’t happen as quickly as you like, but it often does happen.

I understand feeling that you can’t move on in your marriage while he’s still not over her (assuming that this assumption is true.) But I don’t agree with this thinking completely. If he’s doing everything that you are asking of him and he’s making a genuine effort to make things right again, then I honestly see a lot of benefit to trying to move forward anyway, with the knowledge that as your marriage becomes stronger and the time goes on for longer, you are likely to see more improvement in your marriage and less feelings for her.

Don’t Make Assumptions Without Sure Knowledge: I also think that it can be a mistake to assume that he is never going to get over her. Things change. Perceptions become more clear. Feelings fade. I know that this is painful. I know that you can worry that he will never be able to forget about her, but I believe that is you improve your marriage and fix what lead to the affair, then there is a very good chance that he will.

Finally, in truth, you can’t possibly know what he’s feelings. It’s normal to expect the worst after the pain of an affair. It’s normal to doubt his feelings for you. But honestly, you have no way to know what or how he is truly feeling about her. It can be a mistake to assume that he still has a burning desire for her or that they have a bond that will never be broken. Often, as time goes by, a husband is more able to see things more clearly. He will often come to realize that she wasn’t who he thought she was or that the relationship was fatally flawed by the very nature of it.

Once these realizations are made, it can be very hard to maintain the feelings. And at that point, the odds become very likely that he will get over her for good. But to answer the question posed, I believe that with work and effort, your marriage can definitely stand a chance in this scenario. But the key is that you don’t allow the perceived feelings to discourage you from moving forward. You know that time and history is on your side and you act accordingly.

I spent a lot of time second guessing my own husband’s feelings after his affair.  But, over time, I realized that this was a losing game.  So I vowed to give my husband credit for trying to make things right and I vowed to see things through without bowing out because of things I couldn’t possibly know for sure.  I’m glad that I did this because our marriage is back on solid ground.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who have made the difficult decision to try to save their marriages while their husband has had an affair. Often, this is not at all an easy decision. They are often quite hurt and afraid but they chose to put their understandable concerns aside for the sakes of their family and their marriage. Unfortunately, it often takes two willing people in order to effectively save your marriage after infidelity. And so it can be a real problem when the husband isn’t willing to commit to the marriage because he’s still actively involved or invested in the affair.

Common comments that you might hear in this situation is something like: “the last several weeks have been so difficult. I was so shocked and hurt to find out that my husband has been having an affair. And if this was not bad enough, he’s not sure that he wants to end it. I have begged him to be done with the other woman so that we can save our marriage. He won’t make that commitment. He is not sure that he wants to end the affair. He says that he is now emotionally invested in the other woman. I’m not proud of this, but I asked him to work on our marriage anyway. He refused to make any commitment. He said that he can’t really think about our marriage until he decides what he wants to do about the affair. How can I make him work on our marriage right now? I feel like if we work on our marriage, then it will become obvious to him that he needs to end the affair.”

I could really feel for this wife.  I know first hand that dealing with an affair is horrible enough. But not knowing if your husband is going to end the affair while still wanting to preserve your marriage is heart breaking. Unfortunately, I’m not sure that there are any real ways to “make” or “get” him to work on the marriage. And even if you were successful at this, I’m not sure how hard he is going to work if he was still involved in another relationship.

Saving your marriage in the face of infidelity is quite hard. And that is true even when both spouses are willing participants. But saving your marriage when one spouse is potentially still being unfaithful is a hugely difficult task. And I’m not sure that it’s a healthy task for the faithful spouse. It’s honestly not fair for you to be pouring all of your efforts into your marriage when your spouse isn’t even committed enough to take the first step by ending the affair.

Will all of this said, I believe that there are things that you can do to encourage him to end the affair and to work on the marriage. I will discuss those things now.

Make It Clear That You Can’t Save Your Marriage If He’s Still Cheating: I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with disclosing that you are willing to save your marriage. But if you make it clear that you’ll do this without requiring anything of him, then there is no motivation for him to end the affair. He’s being able to enjoy being in relationships with two women, both of which aren’t making any real requirements or demands of him.

It’s perfectly reasonable for you to expect for him to end the affair because you’re going to allow yourself to do the hard work and to accept the vulnerabilities that are going to be required for you to save your marriage. I know that many wives want to avoid making this request because they are afraid that the husband will refuse and will demand to keep the affair going. But how is this all that much different from what is already happening? Currently, he’s made it clear that he has no immediate plans to end the affair. So, it’s not necessarily a step back to ask him once again in an attempt to get a different answer.

A suggested script might be something like: “I’ve made it clear that I want to work on our marriage. But, I can’t do this all by myself. And we won’t be able to fully heal our marriage until you’re willing to end the affair and then work on rehabilitation. Until then, I’m not sure where we go from here. I’m going to explore self help or counseling that I can do to strengthen myself and to help myself heal. I hope that you will eventually join me. But until then, it’s clear that this is a path I’ll be walking alone. I can’t physically participate in our marriage while I know that you are seeing someone else. I hope that you will make the right choice. Please let me know when you’ve decided to end the affair and work on our marriage.”

Your husband may or may not respond as you want him to. He may be resistant at first, but hopefully once you’ve made yourself clear on this, in time will come around. Regardless of this, I highly recommend that you seek counseling or self help on your own. Often, improving yourself will have a positive influence on your marriage or at least will help you see it more clearly. But to answer the original issue, it’s very difficult to work on your marriage in a meaningful way unless he ends the affair.  And trying to force him to do this often doesn’t mean that he will be all that enthusiastic about it.  So my focus would be on encouraging him to do the right thing and only afterward to place the focus on saving the marriage.

As you might have guessed, my opinion comes from my own experience.  If it helps you to read about how someone else handled infidelity, feel free to check out my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are looking for answers in regards to their spouse’s affair. They are looking for these answers because their spouse has been unwilling or unable to provide them. One of the biggest questions that the faithful spouse will have is simply “why?” They want to know why their spouse would do this to them when they thought they had a good marriage between two people who genuinely loved one another.

An example of a comment that you might hear in this situation is a wife saying: “I honestly just don’t get why my husband had an affair. The other woman is older than him and not attractive. I honestly believe that we had a good marriage. We laughed and had fun all of the time. Our sex life was very good. I also believe that my husband loves me and did at the time of his affair. I have gone over our life with a fine tooth comb and I can’t uncover anything that might have driven my husband to cheat on me. I have asked him repeatedly why he did this and he truly doesn’t have any answers for me. He can only answer that he just doesn’t know. And he will then say that he is fully aware that he made a mistake and he begs for me to forgive him. I can’t even consider forgiving him unless I understand why he did this. Can someone please explain to me why a man who looked like he was happily married had an affair?”

Unfortunately, the only person who really knew why the affair happened was the husband. And he wasn’t providing any answers. This doesn’t necessarily mean that he was trying to be dishonest or that he wasn’t willing to share his motivations. Sometimes, people who cheat are confused about what motivated them to risk everything in order to betray their spouse. So in the following article, I will offer you some of the common motivations that cheating spouses offer on my blog. Obviously, I can’t tell you which, if any, are applicable to your marriage or to your husband. But hopefully, this will give you a place to start.

The Affair Is A Way To Shake Up His Stagnant Life Or Address His Mid Life Crisis: This is a very common reason and it’s also a very common cliché. But men very commonly have affairs at a time in their life when they are having to face their own mortality or are struggling with the aging process. They can begin to worry that there’s nothing exciting to look forward to anymore and that they are living on borrowed time. So, anything that they can do in order to feel more alive or vibrant is going to be attractive to them. Sometimes, they aren’t planning to cheat, but an opportunity presents itself and, when they act, they’ll tell you that they feel as if they are actually alive for the first time in years.

The Affair Makes Them Feel Better About A Personal Struggle They Are Facing: I find that many normally faithful people will cheat when they face a very difficult situation that pops up in their life. They may lose their job or face an illness. Usually, this is a life altering event that scares them or puts life in a different perspective for them. Because of this, they are more vulnerable to an affair then they otherwise would have been.

 They Are Reacting To A Passive aggressive Need To Address Their Anger At Their Spouse: Sometimes, if you dig really deeply in a marriage that has been damaged by an affair, you will see an unresolved issue that the cheating spouse was very resentful about. Often, the faithful spouse wasn’t aware of this and is quite surprised about it because the cheating spouse never really mentioned it or let on what a big deal it truly was. So, rather than being a responsible adult and telling his spouse what she has done to make him unhappy or hurt, he will have an affair as a passive aggressive way to get back at her.

The Self Sabotage Theory: Some cheating spouses will tell you that the only reason that they can figure that they cheated is because they were well aware of the fact that they didn’t deserve their spouse or that their spouse was too good for them. So, for whatever reason, the affair was an attempt to balance the scales. Some people will tell you that it’s a pattern in their life to mess things up when they are truly happy. If this is the case, you will generally see a distinct pattern of this over the course of their adult lives.

The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time With No Impulse Control Theory: Many cheating spouses will tell you that they never envisioned themselves as cheaters and they never planned to cheat. But, for whatever reason, fate brought the other person in their path and they could just not resist even though they deeply love their spouse and had a good marriage.

As I hope you can see, there are various reasons that cheating spouses give for their actions. And often, they aren’t sure which are applicable to them because they weren’t thinking clearly when they acted.

If I had to put a finger on the motivations of my own spouse’s affair, I’d go with him having a life crisis at the time. His job was very difficult and changing at that time. I don’t say this to excuse his behavior. But it does help me to pinpoint where he might have been vulnerable. If it helps you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s very common for a spouse who knows that they are being cheated on to want to confront or talk with the other person. For example, I often hear from wives who want to call or meet the other woman. And, I have to admit that although I completely understand this as I’ve been there myself, I also know that this rarely turns out well. One example of how this can turn into a true disaster is when the husband actually picks up the phone. Then, what started out as a quick idea turns into a disaster.

A comment that you might hear in this situation is a conversation like: “my husband admitted to an affair. He said that although he had real feelings for the other woman, his family was more important to him than she was. He told me that he planned to break off the affair fairly quickly but he planned to ease the other woman into it rather than very abruptly breaking things off. I didn’t like this too much but felt I really didn’t have a choice. I know the other woman. We aren’t friends or anything but she is a mutual acquaintance because of our business. So a couple weeks after I learned about the affair, I decided to call her at home. Imagine my shock and horror when my husband picked up the phone. I sat there for a moment in silence because I had no idea what to say. I then slammed down the phone. I have no idea if this other woman has caller ID, but I’d have to think that they both know that it was me on the other end of the line. I’m so furious right now that I have no idea what I want to do. I feel like it’s possible that my husband was lying to me. And if he’s so comfortable at her house that he picks up the phone, then maybe he has no plans to leave her. What should I do? At this point, I’ve felt too weird about the whole thing to even mention this to my husband.”

Why I Don’t Think It’s A Good Idea To Ignore The Obvious: As hard as it’s going to be, this is a conversation that you really need to have. The longer you wait, the more awkward it might be. But nothing is going to be gained by both of you pretending that it never happened. And you need information as to whether or not he is actually ending the relationship. It’s possible to recover from an affair, but it’s very difficult to do this when your spouse is continuing to lie, continuing to see the other person, or continuing on with actively participating in an affair.”

People often hesitate to have this conversation because they know that their spouse is going to mad that they called the other person. While I do agree that it’s a mistake to confront the other person, I don’t think the fault lies with the faithful spouse. You can certainly understand her wanting to make the phone call. And the more guilty party was certainly the cheating spouse.

How To Discuss This: A suggested script might be something like: “you are probably already well aware of this, but I called the other woman’s house. I was hoping to speak with her and stress that the affair needed to end. I was very shocked and hurt that you picked up the phone. You told me that you weren’t giving up your family for her. You told me that you planned to break things off quickly. So I need to hear from you why you were there and why you picked up the phone because the fact that you were even there runs counter to your claims that you are still committed to me.”

Then, let him respond. There are lots of possibilities as to what he might say. He may tell you that he saw the number on the caller ID and he wanted to avoid you and the other woman yelling at each other. He may tell you that he was there to break things off and you interrupted him. You will need to listen carefully to his words and ask yourself if you believe them. And you have the option of telling him that if you catch him being untruthful again, you are going to have to reevaluate if you want to save your marriage until you’re sure that he’s being completely honest.

How to proceed had to be this wife’s call. But I believe that most people would agree that it’s not acceptable for him to continue to go over to the other woman’s home when he’s claiming that he wants to save his marriage. I do understand not wanting to push him into the arms of the other woman. But if you allow him to do exactly what he wants to do, then he usually will. And this often means that he will attempt to keep both relationships, which will obviously put a damper on your trying to save your marriage.

That’s why I believe that it’s very important that you make him aware that you are going to discover and then call him on any untruths that you catch him trying to pass off. As I alluded to, affair recovery is difficult enough.  But it’s even more so when he’s not being honest.  Sometimes, you just have to draw a line in the sand, depending on your own objectives.  If it helps, you can read about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who very much regret being involved in a love triangle with their own spouse. Usually, this starts when one of the spouses has an affair and decides that they want to be with the other person. So, they will leave the faithful spouse in order to be in the other relationship. But it doesn’t end there. For whatever reason, the cheating spouse decides to continue on with a sexual relationship with their spouse.  So that now they are cheating on the other person with their own spouse. And this can leave the faithful spouse wondering if they should blow the lid off of the whole thing.

Common comments in this situation are things like “my husband decided to leave our family for the other woman. What a cliche that is, right? I begged him not to go and to consider our children. He told me that he still loved me and didn’t really want to go. But given the fact that he felt like he had to make a choice, he ultimately choose the other woman. He moved out of our home and went to live with her. That was about four months ago. He comes by daily to visit with our children. Over those visits, we have started to talk and then one things lead to another and now we are sleeping together on a regular basis. Of course, this hasn’t seemed to change anything for him and he goes right back home to the other woman. I am sure that he is having a sexual relationship with both of us. And I don’t think this is fair. I am very mad at myself that I continue on in this way. I’ve started to consider telling the other woman that my husband is still sleeping with me. Maybe she will end their relationship so that we can get back together. What do you think of this plan?”

I have to be honest and say that I very much understand the wife’s motivation. Sleeping with him is a way to get back at the other woman and to take your power back. And let’s face it. He’s still your husband. Your can’t just turn your feelings off. I even understand why you want to tell her about the situation. It would likely hurt you and allow her to see how it feels when someone betrays you.

Although all of this sounds good in theory, I don’t think that this whole situation is very healthy. Unless you truly don’t care about fidelity in your marriage, continuing to sleep with your husband when he’s with someone else is only allowing him not to make up his mind and not to be faithful to one person. Not only that, but you are staying on a roller coaster ride with no end in sight. It has to emotionally draining and also hurtful.

That’s why I would recommend thinking long and hard about if you want to continue on with the way that things are and whether doing so is in your best interest. I know that this is difficult, but I would recommend ending the physical relationship until he has made a decision to re enter the marriage and to be faithful. Of course, you will still have an emotional relationship with him because of your children. But I think that at some point, you have to draw the line and force him to make a real decision between the two of you. At this point, you have to ask yourself if he deserves to have a physical relationship with you.

As far as telling the other woman, I understand why you want to do this, but I don’t think that this is the best idea either. It is just inserting more negativity in an already bad situation. It may hurt her, but I’m not certain that she would be completely surprised. Considering the way her relationship started with your husband, do you really think she expects complete fidelity forever? The truth is, if their relationship is on such shaky ground that he is still sleeping with you, then I would doubt their relationship is strong and lasting anyway. They will likely have problems with out your needing to say anything.

A suggested script for your husband might be something like: “I’ve been thinking about our situation. You know that I love you and enjoy being with you, but I can’t go on like this anymore. Until you end the relationship with the other woman, I can’t continue to have a physical relationship with you. I need to know that you are fully committed to me and that she is out of the picture before I can resume a physical relationship. This isn’t fair to anyone involved and we are all being so dishonest. Of course, we will always be connected because of the kids, but this can’t continue in the way that it is.”

At that point, the decision is going to be up to your husband. When it is clear that he must make a firm decision, then he may be a little more motivated to do just that.  But I believe that you have to think of yourself first and most of all.  And when you are worrying about hurting the other woman, then you aren’t fully doing that.  Your healing has to come before anything (and anyone) else.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Most of the time, I hear from people who are dealing with infidelity that has already happened. Occasionally though, I hear from people who are only dealing with the fear on infidelity. In other words, nothing inappropriate has happened. No one has cheated. But one person in the relationship is frightened that this is only a matter of time. And the other person in the relationship is often scrambling to offer reassurance that they aren’t going to cheat.

As an example, I heard from a man who clearly loved his wife. But the couple had issues because the wife had been in three previous relationships in which the man had cheated on her. In fact, her previous marriage had ended because her ex husband had cheated. So, she was always suspicious of her current husband, even though he had not cheated and didn’t have any intention of doing so.

An example of some of his concerns was something like: “I love my wife and I would never cheat on her. But I can not make her believe this no matter what I do. I’m very loyal to her. I shower her with affection. I don’t hide anything from her. But I have to travel for my job quite a bit. This has caused some serious tension between us. Every time I am out at dinner or I don’t immediately pick up the phone when I am away, my wife assumes that I am with another woman. If a female coworker should call me, my wife assumes that her intentions are suspicious even if the coworker is happily married and really just calling about work. I would never cheat on my wife. I’m sorry that other men have cheated on her, but I’m not going to. How do I prove this to her? Her not trusting me is causing problems. I want her to stop assuming the worst. How do I get through to her?”

I felt for this husband. He clearly loved his wife very much. But as a wife who has been cheated on, I could also identify with the wife. Being cheated on once is bad enough. I can’t imagine being in three relationships where there was cheating. And her inability to completely trust is sort of understandable. At the same time, this was clearly hurting their marriage. In the following article, I will offer some tips on how to try to improve this situation.

 Ask Your Spouse To See Things From Your Point Of View And Vice Versa: This is a great exercise for both parties. If you have never been cheated on, it’s very hard to understand the pain and the doubt that it causes. And this pain and doubt can remain long after the event has passed. In order to help the husband understand that this wife was acting out of fear, it would help if he imagined himself on the other end of cheating. Because when you can see yourself as the injured party, then you start to understand that your spouse’s suspicion really isn’t based on your actions. Instead, it is based on her fear.

Likewise, if the wife could imagine herself as loyal and sincere but also dealing with a husband who assumed she was cheating every time she was late, she may see how frustrating it is to be suspected of wrongdoing when in fact you have done nothing wrong and really are trying to do everything right.

Consider Self Help Or Counseling: Hopefully, after the above exercise, the husband could see that the wife was reacting only to fear. And, until she released and moved past that fear, she was going to have a hard time fully and completely trusting any man and any other person. It wasn’t that she didn’t love her husband or believe that he was an honorable and truthful person. It was that she could not shake the fear of the past and she needed help to do that. Quite frankly, once she was able to face her fear and then put it in perspective, she would not have any reason to doubt her husband any longer.

With that said, you don’t want to just demand that your spouse goes to counseling alone. This implies that the problem is hers alone. Instead, it’s better to offer to go with her or, if she resists counseling, to work together with some self help resources. Because even though the issue stems with the wife, it is a couple problem because it is affecting both of them. And if you volunteer to walk this path with your wife, it will show you that you have her back and that she can trust you.

Have Patience And Keep Reassuring Her: Sometimes, husbands in this situation will back off a little bit from their wives because they are trying to train her to stop asking for so much. The thought process is that if he holds back the affection and reassurance, then he is no longer encouraging her insecurity and suspicion. I understand the thought process behind this, but I don’t think that this strategy works. You may just have to accept that, for a while, your wife needs your affection and your reassurance, and, because you love her, this is a small price to pay for her security. It costs you nothing to go out of your way to reassure your wife and check in. And if these small things helps her to feel more secure, than it’s totally worth it.

I really can not stress enough how painful it is when someone cheats on you.  Honestly, you really do build walls around yourself for a while.  So, I really hoped that the husband did not take this personally and understood that she was building these walls based on her fear and not his character or his actions.  I can also tell you that once you truly recover from this, then it is much easier to trust again.  If it helps, you are welcome to read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from women who feel as if they are losing themselves after their husband’s affair. Even though intellectually, they know that they are a worthwhile and special person, it is hard to convince their heart of this when they feel such a huge sense of betrayal and rejection. It can make them question their worth.

A common comment in this a situation like this is: “I’m embarrassed to say this, but I feel somewhat worthless after my husband’s affair. Honestly, for the past couple of years, my self esteem has been rising. I have a wonderful career and I thought that I had a good marriage and a loving husband. Three years ago, I began working out and improving my appearance. I honestly thought I looked better than ever. But now everything is in question for me. Because if I’m so great, why did my husband cheat? And I always thought that my husband and I had a very special bond. He always told me that I was the perfect person for him. Well, obviously that’s not true. Now I feel like all a woman needs is to be breathing in order to be special to my husband. I enjoyed feeling special and now I don’t anymore. How do I restore that? Or is feeling special something that is gone forever for me?”

I absolutely do not think that anything is gone forever. Yes, it takes a lot of work to restore your self esteem and your sense of uniqueness after infidelity but it most certainly can be done. Quite often, you will need to go within and find it within yourself instead of accepting it from external sources, at least for a little while. And from experience, I can tell you that this is a lesson that is most definitely worth learning.

Understand (And Genuinely Accept) That His Affair Wasn’t About You: So many women intellectually understand that when a man cheats, it really has nothing to do his wife. He may tell you that it does, but that’s only because he doesn’t want to look at or acknowledge the flaws within himself or accept his own lack of impulse control. A man can have a wonderful marriage, a beautiful and accomplished wife, and an enviable life and yet still cheat.

Almost every one knows this, but when it comes to ourselves, we forget it or we don’t believe that it is applicable to us or to or own situation. We are actually sometimes more comfortable taking the blame onto ourselves than assigning it to someone else, even though we’ve done nothing wrong. There is nothing awful about you that means that this universal truth does not apply to you. This is not your fault. You have to entertain and then accept the idea that you don’t have to own this because it was not your mistake.

You May Have To Take Inventory Of What Makes You Special For Yourself: In a second, I will discuss what your spouse can do to recover your sense of being special. But before I do that, I want to talk about you. And the reason for this is that if you don’t believe that you are worthy, then you aren’t going to believe that someone else believes this too. Your husband could give you an extensive list of what he loves about you along with very specific examples. But if you don’t believe this within your heart and about yourself then you are going to doubt his sincerity even if he is being completely truthful.

So, it is very important that you spend some time with yourself being very open about what is delightful about you. There is no one else like you. Only you possess the unique talents and characteristics that you have. And no one can replace you. This time with yourself might feel strange. It may feel like you are bragging on yourself or tooting your own horn. That’s perfectly fine. Because you are and because you deserve it.

If you are doing these exercises and something rings false for you and you can come up with a legitimate reason why it’s so, then fix it. If there is something that bothers you, then give yourself permission to practice extreme self care and to address it make it right so that you can look at yourself in the mirror with no regrets.

Tell Your Spouse What You Need: I hesitate to even bring this up because I’d love it if you only needed to look to yourself for validation. However, I know that it’s very unrealistic to think that what your spouse thinks or says doesn’t matter. If you want or need something from your spouse, then ask him for it. That is your right. And asking is better than being resentful or disappointed that you are not receiving what you need.

You may want to say something like: “I’m sure that it’s obvious to you that my self esteem has taken a hit. During our recovery, I need for you to compliment me. And I need for you to point out what is unique or special about me. I need to believe that you actually see me, understand me, and appreciate me.”

Understand that your spouse may not do this perfectly. He’s a man and men are different in this regard. But his just making an effort should tell you something. If he doesn’t make that effort, then you will need to make a decision as to whether you are going to give that to yourself or if you are going to approach him in another way. But make no mistake about it. You ARE special. And you deserve to feel that way.

I know that you can doubt your own worth because of someone else’s action and this isn’t fair.  Sometimes, you have to be very proactive and give yourself what you need, even if it feels very selfish or odd.  You’re welcome to read about my own recovery process if that helps on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Some of the most common requests that I get from cheating spouses on my blog are requests for pointers or tips on how to become a better husband or a better wife after you have made the very grave mistake of cheating on your spouse. Often, the desire is definitely there. It’s usually quite obvious that in order for the marriage to stand a chance and in order for your spouse to be secure again, you’re going to need to make some changes. But, although the desire can be there, the skill and the workable plan may be lacking. And this can be true for both husbands and wives.

For husbands, a common comment might be something like: “I fully accept that I need to spend the rest of my life making this up to my wife. She deserves better than this. I truly want to be the kind of husband that she deserves. But I’m not sure how to do that. Sometimes, when I try to be sweet or loving to her, she acts like I’m not being genuine. She will say that I am only trying to be accommodating because I cheated. So I hold back. And then when I do, my wife begins to doubt my love all over again. I am not sure what to do. If I had my way, I would be constantly showering with affection or assurances. But she seems to doubt my sincerity so I am not sure how to be the husband that she needs for me to be right now. ”

For wives, you might hear something like: “my husband is so down on himself since I had an affair. He doesn’t believe that I am attracted to him or that I respect him because of my stupid mistake to cheat. When I try to be loving to him or to initiate sex, he says that I am only acting. I know that he feels less like a man because of what I have done. But I love him. I want for our marriage to work. I want to be the wife who makes him feel loved and desired. But when I try to show him my affection, he just pushes me away. What can I do now?”

Some of the tips that I give about becoming a better spouse are applicable to both husbands and wives. And some are going to be applicable to one gender over another. But below are some pointers that I wish someone had told my own husband after his affair.

Understand That Your Spouse Deserves Your Patience: If you look at the above comments, you will notice that the person making the comments was talking about how their spouse’s rejections made them feel. In other words, they were concerned that their spouse hasn’t yet reached the point where they are receptive to their affection. This is very common. It’s quite understandable to want to get your marriage as close to “normal” as you possibly can. But above all, you need to be patient with your spouse and to not rush or pressure them. Finding out that your spouse has been cheating on you is a shock and a pain like no other. It can take a good deal of time before they are able to process this and before they are ready to be receptive to you again.

Your offering even gentle pressure can make them think that here is just one other way that they aren’t satisfying you. Part of being a good spouse in this situation is accepting that they may struggle. But they are struggling because of your actions, so you need to give them the time that they need instead of bringing their attention to how long this whole process is taking.

Determine What They Need To Heal And Make It Your Mission To Provide That: Some of the things that your spouse will need to heal should be common sense. Many will want reassurance that the affair is over and will not happen again. Many want to know that you are still committed and attracted to them. They want to know what type of work you have done on yourself to ensure that you will not make the same mistake twice. But every one is different. Some people will want for you to stick very close by them and will find that reassuring while others will want you to give them space. Some people will need and want counseling and others will resist this. Some will want for you to show them your emails, phone records and passwords, and others won’t want to keep bringing up the affair.

Whatever your spouse needs from you to heal, then you should make it your mission to ensure that they get it without having to ask you twice for it. Being a good spouse at this time means that you are putting your healing spouse’s needs in front of your own frustration and need to get back to a normal life. I sometimes have cheating spouses ask me for how long they will have to “make up” the cheating to their spouse. And my answer is usually “as long as it takes.” That’s just the reality of it. If you want to truly want to be what your spouse needs right now, know that you have to be in this for the long haul.

Tips On Becoming A Better Husband: I’ll get to some tips on being a better wife in just a second. But for now, I’m going to focus on husbands. As a wife who has been cheated on myself, I can tell you that your wife probably needs a lot of reassurance and patience right now. She needs for you to listen to her. She also needs for you to really see her and understand what she is going through. She wants reassurance that you still love and are committed to her. She also wants to see that you are willing to be more accountable in order to prove that she can trust you once again. She wants to see you do sweet and loving things that are going to show her how much she still means to you. She wants for you to ask question and make comments that let her know that you really “get” and understand her. And that, if you don’t truly understand something, you are willing to make the effort to ask for more information.

Tips On Becoming A Better Wife: I’m obviously not a man or a husband. But I hear from many of them on my blog. And they often express that they want to feel like you respect them again. They don’t want to look at you and see deception. They want to feel as if you see all that they do for you and that you appreciate the same. They also want to know that you fully realize how lucky you are to have them. Physical contact and emotion is deeply important to husbands. You can tell them that you love them, but they often want physical confirmation of this more than a woman might. It’s important for you to understand that sexual infidelity is a huge blow to a man’s self esteem. So you will need to be very aware of rebuilding this in a genuine way.

Above all, they need to see that you are placing their healing above all else.  In other words, it’s all about them and not about you.  If it helps, you can read about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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