My Husband Cheated on Me – Who Should I Tell? Who Shouldn’t I Tell?

by: Katie Lersch: Finding out that your husband cheated is a fate that few would wish on their worst enemy. There are few things more painful, more difficult to overcome, and more likely to shake your world to its core. It’s no wonder then that you would want someone who will listen and be there for you as you navigate through this difficult time. You’ve likely been there to offer a shoulder, or a hand, or an ear. So now that you’re facing the same thing, it’s only natural for you to want the same support.

So why do you hesitate when you pick up the phone or start to tell your story? Because your intuition tells you (and rightly so) that how you feel right now and what the situation is right now may well change over time. You may loathe your husband right now and never want to see him again. But, no matter how hard it is for you to believe this right now, you may not feel the same way three months from now or three years from now. You may not want this news to follow you around like a bad penny everywhere you go. And, that’s why you should be careful who you tell, which I’ll discuss more in the following article.

Define Why You Really Want To Tell Someone About His Cheating: Often, we will call or tell different friends for different purposes. For example, if we are furious with our husband and hate the mere thought of him right now, then we will call a friend who never really cared for him or who always told us that we could do better because this friend is going to tell us what we want to hear (at least at this time.)

If we feel injured, guilty, or even ashamed that we may eventually want to work things out then we’ll call the sympathetic friend who knows what this is like from the experience of the cheated on and who was able to save her relationship – even in the face of infidelity. In short, we are looking for confirmation and the person who is going to be able to give this is going to vary depending on our mood at the time.

Understand That You Can’t Take Back This Information (Use Caution When Telling Family And Couple Friends):  Here’s the truth. You may well go through very different perceptions and decisions during this process. You may want to work things out today and then be filled with rage tomorrow. You may hate him today and then decide that he does have some redeeming qualities and that you don’t want to break up your family next month. In other words, you are understandably going to flip-flop back and forth because you have a lot to process right now and it’s understandably difficult.

So, you may want to hold off on saying things that you may later regret to someone who isn’t your husband. Yes, he deserves whatever reaction that you may have right now because he is the responsible party, but is his parents? His sister? His best friend? These folks are not a party to your marriage and should not be brought into it, in my experience. This is just my opinion, of course.

And, as tempting as it is to seek support from your own family or close couple friends, know that if you do tell them about the affair or the cheating, they are never going to look at your husband in the same way again. This is going to follow him, and therefore you, around forever. Do you really want their judgments, their interest, and questions? Do you really want to revisit this with anyone other than you? And, what if you later change your mind? Do you want to have to backtrack, explain, or deal with issues that crop up in that relationship?

Finding The Perfect Confidant: With all of this said, most people really want someone to listen and to stand beside them as they are going through this. And, most people can usually find such a person. You just have to choose carefully. Of course, a therapist is an obvious choice, but this person will usually have no history with you and therefore can lack the closeness that you may crave. 

I usually feel that the person best suited for this job is someone who is impartial and doesn’t have any stake in the outcome. In other words, the person shouldn’t have a preconceived opinion about your husband that they are going to fall over themselves to share. What you’re looking for is someone who can listen impartially and just be there to support you without offering judgment or even advice. And, if you don’t take their advice or catch their hints (which they shouldn’t be giving anyway,) they won’t become frustrated by this, because they are not wrapped up in the outcome. They just want to support you. T

And, you definitely don’t want someone who went through this same thing but it ended badly. You don’t want someone who’s going to say “All men will cheat and that’s why we don’t need them,” or “Well now the two of us can paint the town red as single women,” or “That’s why you have to keep him happy at home,” etc. You may later decide to go out and have fun with this person, but that decision should be yours without any pressure.

At the end of the day, this experience is yours. Do not allow someone else to sway a decision that is only yours. Because you’re only looking for support — not judgments or to deal with all of the issues of the other person.  

I know that things may feel bleak right now and I know that it may feel as though things may never feel the same again, but it is possible to feel differently – and better – with the passage of time. I did eventually heal from my husband’s affair and today, I’m glad that I mostly kept the details to myself, with the exceptive of a few carefully chosen confidants.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

 

How Can I Get the Images of My Husband’s Affair Out of My Head?

By: Katie Lersch: This is the million-dollar question and one that I get on an almost daily basis. This is often the thing that stands between your being able to move on and eventually being happy and your being stuck and remaining unhappy and in pain. And, most of the time, you really don’t want to see these images of your husband and the other woman. You want to move on, but they keep right on popping back into your head and upsetting you. And you wonder how on earth you will ever be able to move forward since you can’t seem to stop them and don’t seem to have any control over them.

In the following article, I will discuss some ways to begin to gain some control over these thoughts and images so that you can get them out of your head once and for all.

Understand That These Images Are Absolutely Normal, But They Likely Aren’t Accurate: I sometimes dialog with women who say things like “What is wrong with me? Why am I having these thoughts? Why am I punishing myself in this way?” The truth is, there is nothing wrong with you and there’s not anything that you’re doing wrong. This is so common and normal. And, it’s often the direct result of your trying to fill in the holes and gaps of what you don’t understand.

No matter how forthcoming and honest your husband is after the affair, there’s no way for you to actually “be there” in your own mind. You wonder if he is really telling the truth. You want to know exactly how this all happened and why. And, on your worst days, you wonder if he enjoyed himself more than he enjoyed himself with you. And, because you can’t possibly have all of these answers, your brain will embellish. You feel the need to actually see for yourself and this is your mind’s way of giving you what you want.

The problem with this, of course, is that those images that pop up in your head are likely, not accurate. Often, we will see our husbands interact in ways that might not have actually happened. And honestly, these images in our minds are almost always those that are going to be the most hurtful to us. They are the ones where our husbands are looking at her in the same way that they used to look at us. They are the ones where she’s doing the things that we may not have done.

In short, these are the things that we most fear all in beautiful technicolor and surround sound in our minds. When this used to happen to me, I used to think “Well, grab some popcorn because we’re about to see that same old devastating movie running a loop over and over again for about the millionth time.”

Taking Your Power Back: Not Allowing The Images To Get The Better Of You: The thing is, whether these images are accurate or not, this doesn’t mean that they hurt any less. And, until you get control over them, they are going to continue to torment you. The best place to start is to reprogram yourself so that your reaction to them changes. Because often this will become a devastating cycle.

The image comes and you will think “Here we go again,” while you tense up, become upset, and the images become more and more controlling. You feel helpless and beaten and this only reinforces the cycle and gives the images more control. To stop this, you will want to associate the images with something else – something more positive.

When this kept happening to me, I finally decided to reward myself or do something nice for myself every time this happened so that I would not come to dread this so much and live in fear. I would stop myself or go for a walk, contact a friend, or begin reading a book that I enjoyed. Basically, I was doing something positive to put a break in this cycle to begin creating a new one. Once the images started to have less power over me, I began to dread them less and they eventually went away. And, I came to realize that continuing on with this cycle was just giving this woman one more way to hurt me, which is what I definitely did not want.

Creating The Life That Is Going To Make You Happy Is The Best Way To Get The Images Of Your Husband And The Other Woman Out Of Your Head: I know that it may be hard to think about this right now, but one day in the future after you’ve worked through this, I suspect that you might see things in a different light. Time has a way of lessening the pain, especially if you are able to create a new reality that is better than the way things were.

The happier, more fulfilled, and more at peace you become, the less you think about the past and dwell there. Knowing that you are going to be OK and that you can be happy again is honestly the best way to ensure that you’re leaving these images (which are based on fear and doubt,) in the past.

Because once these things are gone, the images no longer have a place in your life or any control over you. And, if and when they do come back, you’re able to much more easily brush them off and carry on. Because at that point, you realize that they were really just a mirage from an earlier time and a much worse place that is not your reality today.

Confronting these images is probably only one of the issues you are dealing with, but doing the work can be worth it. When I finally decided to be gentle with, and then to work on myself, things changed. I started to worry more about my own well-being and wellness than the affair. and this was truly the turning point. You can read more of that story on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

Forgiving Infidelity – Is it Possible? Should You Do It? If So, When?

by: Katie Lersch: Of all of the topics that come up on my blog, I would have to say that forgiving infidelity is the most common. This is a huge thing to ask. It’s one thing to come to terms with or accept the infidelity or to want to move on from it. But forgive it? Is this really possible or even advisable? I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

Why You Should Not Force Yourself To Forgive The Infidelity If You Are Not Ready:  It’s very common for the person who was unfaithful to be deeply sorry and to be extremely scared that this mistake is going to cost them everything. To that end, they often want forgiveness very quickly. They want to know that everything is going to be OK after all, even with their absolutely horrible judgment that led to this very painful mistake.

However, often they do not realize just how much they are asking. Infidelity is a huge blow, not only to your marriage but to your self-esteem and your confidence to gauge what is going on around you and to make sound judgments. In short, your world has been completely toppled over. It’s going to take some time and some healing to even begin to rebuild. No one has the right to expect you to rush this process. Not only that, but rushing it only delays the healing. A rushed or forced decision such as this one will often only add confusion and resentment to the negative feelings that you’re already feeling.

There is nothing wrong with taking the topic of forgiveness off of the table for a while. Simply tell your spouse that you are going to take the time to process all of the information and are going to move forward as you are able to do so. If they really love you and have your best interest at heart, they should certainly understand that.

Make Sure You Have Everything That You Feel You Need Before You Can Freely Offer Your Forgiveness:  Typically when the time is right to forgive, you will know it. All of the doubts that have been bugging you will start to abate. But, this often will not happen until enough time has passed and until you have all the reassurances and support that you have needed.

Typically, you will need confidence in the fact that you can trust your spouse again. You will need to be able to check up on them if you have any doubts. You will need their affection, reassurance, and patience. You will need to understand why the infidelity happened in the first place and you will also need to know why (and that) you never have to worry about it happening again in the future. You will need to know that you’ve worked together to “affair-proof your marriage” and to place up safeguards so that you aren’t constantly second-guessing and worried about their continued commitment. And, hopefully, it goes without saying that you need complete confidence that the person they cheated with is gone from your life.

You should also address individual issues as well as couple issues. People often cheat because of low self-esteem and poor impulse control. Therefore, it never hurts for you both to work on strengthening yourselves as individuals. The person who was cheated on is likely to have self-doubt and insecurities as a result. This is through no fault of their own and they should know that it absolutely isn’t selfish to take some time to rebuild themselves. You can’t be happy as a couple if you are not happy as an individual. That is the truth, but so many of us approach it from the opposite way.

Forgive For Yourself, Not For Them: Don’t allow yourself to be pressured to offer up forgiveness for any reason other than the fact that it is the right choice for you at the right time. At the end of the day, forgiveness is for you, not for them. It’s not letting them get away with it or saying or implying that you’ve buried it forever. There is no way around it becoming part of the history of your marriage. However, allowing some positive to come out of the negative is up to you.

And often forgiveness is the first step toward that. It’s deciding that you are tired of being afraid and of keeping score and of pretending that you can expect everyone to be perfect all of the time. It’s about knowing that people make mistakes but so long as they won’t make the same mistakes over and over, you can work with what you have if you choose to keep them in your life. It’s about deciding what, and who makes you happy. It’s about worrying about what is best for you without worrying about what others think. And it’s about evaluating whether your life is healthier and more complete with this person than without them after considering the totality of your time together. Only you can decide these things, but remember that they are yours to decide – no one else’s.

I know that forgiveness after infidelity is difficult and a struggle, but it can be worth it. Although I never would’ve believed this years ago, I was eventually able to do it – not for him, but for me.  Once I did that, I was free to turn my attention to my marriage. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/.

What I Learned From My Husband’s Affair

by: Katie Lersch: Often, when I begin to tell people what I learned about my husband’s affair, I get knowing glances, or people will even interrupt and say things like “I know, you learned that you can’t trust men,” or “you know that if you trust someone you will always be hurt,” or “you learned that men just can’t remain monogamous to one woman.” There was a time early in the process when I would’ve told you that things were correct. However, with the luxury of time, distance, and introspection, what I’ve learned is actually quite different from this. I actually learned more about myself than I learned about my husband. And, believe it or not, this self-knowledge has been extremely beneficial to me. I’ll explain this more in the following article.

I refuse to take the blame for my husband’s affair. I will never concede that his cheating was nothing but his own weakness, lack of judgment, need for instant gratification, and lack of impulse control. However, I also believe that there were many places where I left the marriage vulnerable, where he asked for more but I didn’t give it, where he was asking for more connectedness, and more of a time and emotional commitment but I used the excuse of the kids, my own deadlines or goals, and the fact that we had a long history and “were comfortable” not to keep growing and becoming closer.

Once I learned about the affair, I read book fulls about the negative self-talk that I’ve always allowed in my head. Of course, I immediately blamed myself and told myself that I was very stupid for missing the signs, that I was very naive for allowing my husband such a long leash, and that I was a middle-aged undesirable woman who could never keep a man. I went on like this for a long time until I finally became so sick of hearing these thoughts. It took me way too long to realize that I really always had these worries, fears, and insecurities. I had always worried that I wasn’t good enough for any desirable, successful man and that, if enough time went by, my flaws were going to show. Whether these insecurities had anything to do with my husband’s affair, I’ll never know. But I do know that these thoughts were affecting how I saw myself – and they had to stop.

I also had to admit to myself that I had been living vicariously through my family. Yes, being a stay-at-home mother is the most important job in the world. But, I always felt like a second-class citizen in my marriage. I always felt like my husband should make the decisions, that I was just the support system, the organizer, the assistant if you will. After a while, I got sick of these thoughts too.

One day, I woke up and decided that no matter if my marriage survived or not, I was going to have to stop with the negative worldview. I made a list of things that I wanted to change about myself FOR ME (not for him.) I knew that I never wanted to be dependent on a man emotionally and financially again. I knew that I wanted to respect myself. So, I decided to go back to school and he supported me in this. 

I knew that I didn’t want to feel insecure about my appearance or my ability to keep a man. So, I addressed this. I lost weight. I got a makeover. I learned how to dress to play up my assets without trying too hard or spending too much money. I learned better give and take with conversation and with intimacy. I worked tirelessly to restore my self-esteem. Sure, sometimes the little voice in my head would whisper “Just who do you think you are?” But, I would try to calm myself and answer “I’m really all I’ve got and I’m going to create the best ‘me’ that I can.”

Honestly, initially, I didn’t know if this version of myself was going to be for my husband or for another man down the road if I decided to end the marriage. But a funny thing happened. Once I began to become more confident in myself, the more I realized that my husband was perhaps not lying when he complimented me and insisted that he would do whatever was necessary to prove to me that he wanted to save our marriage. I knew now that we were on a level playing field and that I could make decisions based on my own needs without worrying if I could survive without him.

In the end, all of the memories shared history, and closeness won out over the one horrid act. But I honestly don’t think this would’ve happened if I didn’t learn more about myself. I needed to learn that I could handle anything that came my way. What I learned about my husband’s affair had very little to do with fidelity and a whole lot to do about myself, what I would demand in my marriage from here on out, and how I was going to be an equal partner in getting it.

Restoring my self-esteem and self-worth after my husband’s affair took work, but it was so worth it. I now understand myself, my husband, our marriage, and our intimacy on a much deeper level. You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Does an Affair Mean a Man Isn’t Happy in His Marriage? I’ll Tell You

by: Katie Lersch: Having a husband or boyfriend who cheated is a big hit to your self-esteem. You begin to doubt your marriage and your ability to make your husband happy or to be enough. There are tons of old stereotypes that imply that if a man cheats, it’s because his wife doesn’t understand him, he’s not happy in his marriage, or his sex life at home is lacking. While I’m sure that there are men who cheat for these reasons, there are many other common reasons that men cheat, and many of them have nothing at all to do with the wife or the marriage. I’ll discuss some of the various reasons that men cheat in the following article.

Sometimes Men Cheat Because They Are Not Happy With How They Perceive Themselves: Often it’s not you that your husband isn’t happy with, it’s himself. Often adultery is nothing more than a band-aid on low self-esteem which is why you will often see affairs in times of a man’s personal crises, like after losing a parent, losing a job, or aging. In short, he feels that he’s lost something and he’s using the affair as a means to make himself feel more capable and strong. If he’s desirable and special to someone else who hasn’t witnessed his weaknesses, struggles, and shortcomings, then he can pretend that they don’t exist. It’s sort of like having a temporary blank slate or fresh start because often this woman doesn’t have the intimate knowledge of him that you have, and in his mind, at least right now, that appears to be a good thing.

He will often see the affair as a temporary diversion that provides relief to his anxieties. He will tell himself that no one needs to know about it and that since it doesn’t really mean anything to him emotionally, at the end of the day he can just pack up and go home without anyone being the wiser and without anyone needing to be hurt or affected. Yes, he may feel some guilt and when this all comes crashing down around him, he is likely going to be deeply sorry, but unfortunately, this thought process often doesn’t come until it’s way too late to change things.

Risk-Taking As A Way To Generate Excitement In His Life: Another trend that I often see is men who feel like their lives are in a slump or who have become bored with themselves and will then use an affair or cheating as a way to bump up the excitement level in their life. It’s sort of risk-taking as a way to instill some of the excitement and drama that they feel that they are missing out on. Often, by the time that the affair ends badly, they’d give anything to have their “boring” life back, but at the time of the infidelity, they’ll often tell themselves that this risky behavior makes them feel “alive” and that life is too short not to enjoy yourself and experience new things.

The Old Notion That Men Who Refuse Sexual Advances Aren’t Masculine: There is a small subset of men who tell me that although they were happy in their marriages and still loved their wife, they found themselves in a situation where another woman came on to them and they grew up with the notion that no man in their right man would turn down a desirable woman who is offering to leave no strings attached. Some men grow up in a culture that implies that turning down attractive women is a sign that they aren’t masculine or manly enough.

This is ridiculous of course and I don’t know many wives who would buy this, but many men have insisted to me that this is the reasoning behind their risking everything for a tryst outside of their marriage. Again, they are able to compartmentalize this and tell themselves that since the woman meant nothing at all to them, this shouldn’t affect their marriage or their wife.

The Role That Your Marriage Plays In The Affair: As I’ve said, there are countless men who had strong and stable marriages at home with a loving wife and a satisfying sex life who still cheat. And, if you ask those men what is so wrong with their wives that they had to go outside of the marriage, they will typically answer with something like: “Nothing at all. My wife is wonderful and my marriage was a happy one,” while they insist that the affair had nothing to do with the marriage.

Still, there are those men who play the blame game and they’ll say that their wife didn’t have time for them, didn’t make intimacy a priority, and had let the marriage grow stale. They’ll say that the mistress listens to them, appreciates them, and understands them, (while they are rarely able to see their own shortcomings as contributing to this process.)

 And while hearing this can make you defensive, almost every marriage has a few places where it is vulnerable. Is this an excuse to cheat? Absolutely not. But it does make sense to explore ways to identify and fix these areas if you want to save the marriage. And make no mistake, marriages can be solid and even sometimes better after an affair because it forces you to lay all of your cards on the table and to be brutally honest about places where your marriage could use some improvement.

After my anger abated some after my husband’s affair, I decided to take an honest look at myself and my marriage – figuring this could only benefit me and I was right.  Doing so gave me the confidence to know that we had done the work so that my husband would be less likely to cheat again.  And he hasn’t.  Because of that work, my self-esteem recovered.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

I Don’t Think My Husband Is Telling Me The Whole Story About His Cheating

By: Katie Lersch: I once heard from a wife whose husband had admitted to cheating. But, he was unwilling to give her many details about the same. Basically, all he would say was that he had been unfaithful with a coworker but that it was a “one-time thing that would never happen again.” The husband insisted he knew what he did was completely wrong. He claimed he really didn’t know why he did this, but assured the wife that she never had to worry about it again because he wouldn’t repeat it.

Needless to say, the wife wanted and needed more details than this. She wanted to know who the other person was. She wanted to know how long the cheating went on. And, she wanted to know if there were any serious feelings involved and whether her husband still thought about the other woman.

The husband absolutely refused to give the wife any additional information. Every time she asked open-ended questions, he became angry and defensive and would give her answers like “I have told you that I’ve cheated. Isn’t that bad enough? What more do you need to know than that?”

This situation is not at all uncommon. Many wives tell me that they know full well they aren’t getting the whole story about the cheating. Sometimes, they are afraid the other woman is someone they know very well. Other times, they fear the cheating is still going on. And sometimes, they really feel entitled to all the details they want or need to know. In the following article, I’ll offer some suggestions as to how to handle this situation.

Possible Reasons That A Man Doesn’t Want To Tell You The Whole Story About His Infidelity: There are many reasons a man might not want to come fully clean about the affair or the cheating. The reasons vary as much as the man himself. Some men know that the more you know, the more you are going to be hurt or the more angry you will be. Some are ashamed or embarrassed about their actions. Sometimes, you do know the other person and they fear that you will attempt to contact or confront this person or tell this person’s spouse. And it is possible that the cheating is still going on, although it can be a mistake to just assume this.

Some men just don’t understand why you would want or need to know something that is only destructive to you or your marriage. I often hear comments like “I just don’t get why my wife wants to know every detail about the cheating. No good can come of constantly rehashing this and reopening the wounds. I really think it’s best for us to move on but she always seems to want to stay in the present or go backward.” I’m not saying this perception is correct, I’m just telling you that this is sometimes how husbands see it.

How To Make Your Husband Understand That You Need More Information About The Scope Of His Cheating: I suspect that if you ask a husband why wives want information about their cheating, the men will often tell you that wives use this information to punish them or to justify their anger. But if you asked the women or the wives about why they wanted this information, they would tell you that they felt as though they needed to know what they were up against.

They feel that they need a clear picture of exactly what happened, what the husband was thinking at the time, the feelings involved, whether he’s still in danger of cheating again, and how he feels about the marriage right now. The wife often feels very strongly about her need for the whole story. Without it, she can’t get a clear picture of where her marriage stands and how she really feels about her husband. We often feel very resentful and suspicious when we are asked to fill in the blanks on our own. This just isn’t fair. And if our husbands want us to recover and heal from this, they need to give us the tools to do so. One of those tools is honesty.

Sometimes, you have to be very frank about this until it finally sinks in with your husband. The next time this conversation comes up, you might want to say something like: “I am not asking you these questions to punish you or to make myself angry. I am asking you this because I need to have a clear picture of what I am dealing with. I need to understand what happened and what the situation is now. I need this information to really evaluate where we are today. If you are unwilling to give it to me, I have no choice but to take this to mean you’re unwilling to help me heal and I will be tempted to try to find out on my own, which I believe is more detrimental to me than getting information from my own husband.”

Sometimes words such as this will begin to lower his defenses. Sometimes you will have to repeat yourself until he figures out that you are serious and aren’t going to drop it. With that said, sometimes it does hurt you and keep you stuck if you’re demanding each and every detail. It may not help you to know everywhere they went and everything they did. But you do deserve to know enough to get a very clear picture of what actually happened and with whom.

Getting my husband to open up and tell the whole truth about his cheating was one issue I struggled with. But after much introspection and trying new tactics, I finally learned that healing was possible. But honestly, at first, healing was for me – and then it was for us – not for him.  You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

My Husband Can’t Forgive Himself For Cheating

by: Katie Lersch: Often, the articles that I write are meant to help wives who are having problems or difficulties forgiving and healing from a husband’s cheating. The other day though, I had a discussion that was a little different. This wife was not having trouble forgiving her husband’s affair (she already had), but because he couldn’t forgive himself for his cheating, and of course that was also making it difficult for both of them to move on. In the following article, I’ll tell you the advice and tips that I told her – meant to help her husband forgive himself for the affair.

Understand That A Husband’s Cheating Is Often Tied To His Low Or Lowering Self-Esteem:  Many people mistake the reasons for affairs. So many assume that it has everything to do with sex or that a couple’s sex life has become stale at home, so a man will cheat as a way to broaden his sexual horizons. I guess this might happen from time to time, but more often than not, the affair comes about because the husband is trying to fix some perceived inadequacies within himself. He’s not feeling young anymore, or powerful, or worthy, or attractive. 

So, when the opportunity presents itself, he can justify it because he sees it as a way out of the negative feelings that have been plaguing him. Many men think that they will just take care of this problem, end it, and then move on as if nothing ever happened. They assume that they aren’t going to be caught and so they don’t see the need to complicate things with confessions or explanations.

But, something obviously has gone wrong. The wife now knows about the affair and it has caused her a great deal of pain. He knows that he needs to make amends and to make things right. But, the pain and hurt in your eyes and in your very stance continue to remind him of that weakness that he was trying to cover up in the first place.

Does He Know Or Feel That You’ve Really Forgiven Him? Does He Doubt Your Sincerity?: Often, when you get these situations where the husband can’t forgive himself for cheating, you have no choice but to look back at the wife – although obviously, this isn’t always the cause. Because often a man’s feelings about this are going to come from the either silent or not-so-silent cues that he’s getting from his wife.

Many men will say that although their wives have said that they’ve forgiven the cheating and have moved on, their body language, actions, suspicions, and resentment all tell a different tale. The wives will continue to look at them with downcast eyes, will continue to shy away from intimacy, and will continue to keep their husbands at arm’s distance. He’s not letting himself off the hook because deep down, you aren’t either.

He can take one look at you and tell that you, and the marriage, are still very much damaged. And, he knows without a shadow of a doubt this is all his fault. His already low self-esteem combined with this guilt and shame is a very dangerous situation that is not at all fun. But, he knows that he’s made this mess and he can’t see a way out of it.

How Both Of You Can Ultimately Forgive The Affair And Move On: Honestly, truly healing from an affair takes time, patience, and commitment from both parties. You have to be patient with yourself. And, you have to be willing to be completely honest, excruciatingly vulnerable, and willing to open yourself up to someone who has hurt you. This can feel risky and wrong. But, for a marriage to truly heal, these things are necessary and the rewards can be great.

The key to this whole thing is for both of you to believe that you can right this wrong together. It truly is possible to use this as the stimulus you need to fix things until they’re not only no longer broken, they’re better than they ever were. This does happen. When I tell people this, they’ll often say “Well, that’s going to happen for me.” I understand why you may think this way, but this does nothing to help you right now. 

The people who actually emerge OK after an affair are able to do so because they’ve rebuilt the trust and they’ve established a marriage that is actually better than the one before it. They’ve learned to communicate on a deeper level and they feel completely understood. As a result, they’re satisfied and fulfilled. In short, they are happy, so they have no need to keep picking at the scabs of the past. They’ve forgiven because not only are they OK, they’re in a better place than they ever were.

Granted, this may read like the whole process is backward. Maybe. But I promise you if you can get to a place where your marriage is fulfilling and whole (and sometimes you just have to trust the process and go along even if you have your doubts), then forgiveness will be the last thing on your mind. Honestly, eventually, that becomes yesterday’s news.

I know that working through the aftermath of an affair and forgiveness is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but I don’t feel that I, or my marriage, is broken.  I feel like I fought and I won. If you want to know how I ultimately did it, you can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

If a Man Cheats, is He Likely to Cheat Again? I’ll Tell You

by: Katie Lersch: Probably the biggest concern that my readers face (wives whose husbands have cheated) is the worry that he’s going to do it again. I get so many emails that say things like: “Is once a cheater always a cheater true?” “How do I know that he isn’t going to cheat on me again?”, or “How can I affair-proof our marriage so that I never have to go through this again?” I’ll answer these questions in the following article as well as outline the things that you (and he) can do to ensure that the cheating doesn’t repeat.

Can You Give Me A 100% Guarantee That He Won’t Cheat Again?:  Often, when I dialog with women on this issue, I’ll offer them tips and advice on how to ensure that their marriage is rock solid from here on out so that they don’t have to worry incessantly about being in this same place again down the road. Often, they’ll say things like: “sure, but how do I know these things are going to work?” or “Yes, but how do I know that I’m not going to do everything right and, at the end of the day, he still won’t be able to stay strong against temptation?”

The answer to these questions is that you don’t know, but because of your (and his) actions, you can take a highly educated guess. Still, I really wish that I could draw up a 100% guarantee that if you followed everything I told you, you could be 100% certain that you’d never be here again. Unfortunately, it’s not up to me. At some point, if you want a happy and secure marriage in the future, you will have to eventually trust this man again. I understand that is horribly scary. I understand how uncomfortable it feels to be vulnerable. But, I also know that it’s necessary to get where you want to go. And there are several things that you can do to lessen the chances that he will cheat again greatly. I’ll outline them below.

Make Sure That He Knows Exactly How Much This Has Shaken You: A husband who feels the pain and betrayal that his wife feels after his cheating will often not want to ever feel this type of pain again. It’s so important that you don’t sugarcoat the fall out for him. While I don’t advocate punishing him or lashing out just for the sake of it, I do advocate sitting him down and letting him on the pain and confusion that you are feeling. He needs to know exactly what he’s done. He needs to understand that this unfortunate and temporary lack of judgment could cost him everything. By doing so, you’re ensuring that he will remember this awful place in the future so that he won’t want to repeat it.

Now, you do have to walk a fine line here. You don’t want to completely alienate him or get in the habit of punishing him on a continual basis. But, you can calmly and rationally lay it out for him so that he fully understands that yes, there are HUGE negative repercussions for his actions.

Sometimes people will ask me if they should have their own affair to show their husband how this feels. My answer is always no. Engaging in behavior that is beneath you is only going to confuse you and heap more negative feelings onto what is already a very difficult time.

Get To The Bottom Of Why This Happened And Put Up Roadblocks From It Happening Again: It’s very important that you do the detective work necessary to figure out what left your husband or your marriage vulnerable. Then, you must dissect these things one by one and fix them. Often, men cheat because they are unsure about themselves or they have self-esteem issues mixed in with poor impulse control. Sometimes, they are allowed to engage in risky behavior which is just too tempting to pass up. Or, other times, there were some vulnerabilities in your marriage that put you in the right place at the right time.

No matter which of these issues (or a combination of them) gave rise to the affair, you truly can not really be secure in your marriage or your husband’s future fidelity until you know that you’ve successfully removed all the land mines that could cause it to happen again. This often takes quite a while. And, the discussions that are sometimes necessary for this can be painful. Brutal honesty is necessary. But, the payoff is huge because it can give you the confidence that you need to trust again.

Accountability And Reliability Are Important Pieces Of The Puzzle: I can not tell you how important it is that your husband become very transparent. There can be no secrets, no off-limits passwords, emails, or cell phones. He must be where he says he’s going to be, at least while you are healing. He must be willing to check in regularly and be very generous with the reassurance. He has to understand what he’s asking of you and then respond in kind. 

He’s betrayed your trust and left you badly shaken and now he’s asking you to take a chance and to let him back in. He must know what a difficult thing this is and in response, he must do whatever he can to lighten your load. He must understand this his computer, cell phone, car, and any place else where he’s hidden his cheating must be completely available to you now. This will give you some peace of mind and this will let him know that since it’s not so easy to get away with anything this time, why even bother?

I hope that I’ve shown you that there are many things that you can do so that you don’t have to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life. Don’t stop until you have what you need to heal – to your complete and total satisfaction. Once you do, the doubts that are plaguing you right now should eventually start to abate. 

I know that working through the aftermath of an affair is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Because you can feel stronger and more confident as a result.  You can read about how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

How to Let a Woman Know That You Know She Had an Affair With Your Husband

by: Katie Lersch: It’s understandable that you would want to confront the woman that your husband cheated with. You likely want her to know that this deception is over and that you know everything. She needs to know that she will no longer have free reign with your husband. You likely also need to put your presence and your existence into her consciousness. You want her to know that you are a real person with a real life and a real family that she has very negatively and selfishly affected.

It’s also likely that you know who she is. It’s very common for the wife to know the mistress – or at least to be familiar with who she is. Men commonly cheat with coworkers, neighbors, and mutual friends, so your situation is likely one where this woman is not a stranger to you. (And even if she is, you likely still very much want to have your say.)

I’m often asked what is the best way to tell this woman that you know about the affair. Most women intuitively know that this is a situation that can potentially go very very badly. Many women feel very strongly that they need to do this, but somewhere deep in their hearts, they know that doing so can be potentially hurtful. Many are afraid that, should a meeting or confrontation take place, it’s quite possible that the other woman is going to tell you something that you don’t or didn’t know — something that is going to hurt and surprise you even more, something that is going to make you even more furious at your husband, and something that is going to make you feel even worse about your situation.

So, in the following article, I will discuss the least hurtful way to say what you need to say to this woman to get the closure that you need while preserving your own mental health and well-being in the process.

Releasing What You Need To Say To The Woman Who Had An Affair With Your Husband: There are likely many reasons that you want to tell this woman that you know all about her. But, one of the most persuasive is usually that you think that this is going to give you some closure, will make you feel a bit better, and will provide you with some release of tension. And, if you do this correctly, it might offer some of these things.

But, if you do it incorrectly, sometimes, it just makes things feel worse. I can not tell you how many women I hear from who tell me that they wish they had never ever laid eyes on this woman or allowed her even a second of their attention. Often, the meeting hurts rather than heals you and makes you think about this person more rather than less.

It’s very important that you do not allow this to happen. It is hard enough to get over and heal from an affair without allowing this person to have a prominent place in your home, in your mind, and in your doubts, You have to be very protective of yourself right now. I agree that you need to release these feelings and “have your say.” But, you and you alone are in control of how this happens.

Personally, I think that the safest way to go about this is to write her a letter. This way, you have absolute control of how this is going to go. She can’t interrupt you this way or blurt out something hurtful, spiteful, or inappropriate. She can’t turn this back onto you. So, you have much less of a chance of being hurt if you write a letter.

Writing A Letter To Your Husband’s Mistress: You have to be careful here though. You want her to know how you feel and what she’s done, but you don’t want to insinuate that you can’t handle yourself, your husband, or your marriage. You don’t want to paint yourself as a victim or try to elicit her sympathy. You can take care of yourself and you really don’t need her pity.

What you need for her to know is this. You know what she did. You are very well aware of her. And, she needs to stop this behavior and move on to someone else rather than your husband. You don’t want to make threats. You simply want her to know that this deception is up and that she has no place in your life because she is not welcome.

If you say any more than this, you might invite her or inspire her to linger and attempt to prove you wrong. You really do not want to engage with her, give you a place in your life, or let her hang on for longer than necessary. You want this to be your last word on this – once and for all.

Honestly, I’ve had women tell me that once they wrote the letter, they felt the release that they were after and so they chose not to send the letter. They burned it instead. They were just wanting the release and they didn’t want to give this woman any way back into their lives.

Confronting The Woman That Your Husband Had An Affair With Face To Face: I think that this is a pretty bad idea for many. Sometimes women don’t like the letter idea. I’ve had people ask me if emails were a decent way to go about this. I suppose that this can be preferable to a face-to-face meeting for some. But, the problem with this is that now you’ve given her a way to contact you.

What if she keeps sending you nasty or nagging emails? Now, you’ll have more trouble getting rid of her and getting her out of your mind and your life. If you must go the email route, get yourself a one-time-only email address at a place that is not your home. (A public library can work well for this.) Send the email and then never look back. Never go back to that account. Never allow her back into your life or your mind. Again, keep the email to the points you want to make and say no more. Don’t make threats or write anything you wouldn’t feel comfortable with someone else reading.

Many women really feel that they want to look this person in the eye. I do understand this, but so much can go wrong here. If you absolutely must do this, I suggest taking a calming friend who will stay in the car, but who will be there to intervene if things start to go wrong. If voices are raised or things get out of hand, the friend can offer a reasonable voice and can stop the situation when you are not emotionally able to do it. (Never put yourself or anyone else in a dangerous situation – either physically or emotionally.)

Have what you need to say mostly memorized. Say your peace and then turn around and leave. 

I know that this is probably one of many difficult issues right now. Take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself.  Believe it or not, you can get through this.  You can read more about how I did at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

How to Save Your Marriage After an Affair – 4 Ways to Start Over

by: Katie Lersch: People often ask me if it’s possible “to start over” after one of the spouses in a marriage has had an affair. Understandably, usually one or both of the spouses doubt that things will ever “be the same” or “right” again. They suspect that this betrayal has forever altered (or ruined) the potential of their marriage. Even if these assumptions bring about great sadness or loss, many people assume that there really is no way to make things right again. They assume that the cheating and the affair have introduced such a big obstacle and stressor into the marriage that these things can and will never be fully overcome.

I understand these assumptions because I made them myself. And I certainly can’t and won’t lie. Starting over after an affair is difficult and it takes a lot of hard work. But, it is not at all impossible. I have done it and I know countless people who have been successful at it also. In the following article, I will offer four ways that you and your spouse can begin to start over after an affair.

Make Sure That The Cheating Partner Adequately Expresses His Sorrow And Understanding Of What The Betrayed Spouse Is Going Through Few feelings are as devastating as knowing that your spouse has betrayed you in this way. It’s highly likely that you’re going to feel like the odd person out and that most everyone knew about this except for you. It’s so important that the spouse who cheated completely and truly understands what a huge mistake they have made. It’s perfectly natural for you to want them to “feel your pain.” And it’s equally important that they can do this.

For you to even begin to think about trusting them again, you have to know that they fully understand exactly how devastating their actions were. It’s very important that they continuously and clearly communicate this to you rather than assuming or hoping that you know how sorry they are for their cheating. If there was only one piece of advice that I could give a cheating spouse, it would be to directly and repeatedly approach their spouse to express their sorrow and remorse. I can not tell you how many times I hear people say “he’s not really sorry. He’s just sorry that he’s been caught.” Your spouse must come to believe that you are really and truly sorry – so sorry in fact, that you are not going to do this again.

Don’t Be Afraid To Delve Very Deeply Into Why The Affair Happened So That You Can Fix What Is Not Working: Many people want to “get over” the affair as quickly as possible. They don’t want to dwell on things for one second longer than they might have to. But, if you attempt to brush things off too quickly, you will likely always have flashbacks, fears, and struggles because you did not adequately identify and tackle the problems.

Issues that are not adequately fixed and put behind you have a way of rearing their ugly heads over and over again. This in turn is going to make you doubtful, resentful, and suspicious. It’s not until you understand why this happened and then adequately fix these things do you begin to be able to sincerely move on with a decent amount of confidence.

Support Each Other Individually, But Offer The Reassurance That Is Needed: Many spouses who cheat will begin to become frustrated when their spouse begins to focus on their appearance and self-esteem. Likewise, the spouse who was cheated on might balk at the cheating spouse wanting to try individual counseling. Both people need to understand that two stronger individuals who are happy and confident are going to make for a stronger marriage. Your spouse will most certainly need to restore their self-confidence and self-esteem after they have been betrayed in this way. Do not attempt to make them feel guilty for this. Their feeling good about themselves is only going to benefit you.

It’s also important that the cheating spouse does the self-work needed to work through the issues and doubts that lead to this sort of shortcomings and decision-making. Doing self-work is completely OK, but you also need to understand that your spouse is going to need reassurance that you’re doing this to help your marriage. You need to be patient when your spouse wants you to check in and wants to know where you have been. This sort of “checking up” needs to happen for as long as is necessary.

Work Together To Create A Marriage That Is Better Than The Marriage Before The Affair: In all honestly, the best way to “start over” after an affair, is to commit to creating a better, less vulnerable marriage. This is really the only way to bring something positive out of something so negative. And, once you are both happy, secure, and fulfilled again, then there is really no reason to continue to look back and to live in the past. Yes, it can be a lot of work to get to this new place. But, it can also be very much worth it in the end. I used to be very skeptical of people who said things like “The affair was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage,” but now I know that for people who can create a new and better marriage, this phrase can be true.

I was the cheated-on, not the cheater, in my relationship. So, I know exactly how the “cheated on” spouse feels. But, I also know that healing and moving on is possible. It took much work, but I did recover.  And I am still married.  You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/