Is Texting The Other Person After An Affair Still Cheating?

By: Katie Lersch: Typically, the faithful spouse in an affair is very clear on what the term “no contact” means when it comes to the affair. The faithful spouse will typically require that the cheating spouse cut off every bit of verbal and non verbal contact with the other person.

One would think that this would be somewhat self explanatory, but it would seem that it isn’t. Because I do get emails from cheating spouse asking if “innocent texting” after an affair is OK.

An example is: “I do feel awful for cheating on my husband. I know that I was one hundred percent wrong. The thing is, I am the best friend that the other man has. We came together during a time when he was dealing with a sick sibling. I was very close to that same sibling and we formed a bond. I really never intended for anything inappropriate to happen. And I certainly never intended to leave my husband. But there was a time when I went to comfort him and one thing lead to another. Then, he started leaning on me for support. When my husband found out about the affair, he kicked me out. I accepted this because I knew that I deserved it. One day I went back to see my kids and one of my children grabbed my leg when I went to leave and started bawling. My husband asked me to stay because of my son. So we are trying to make it work because we don’t want to torment our children. I am committed to this. The problem is that the other man will text me and want to talk about his sick sibling. I can’t stand to ignore him so we have been texting back and forth. There is nothing inappropriate. I will not cheat again. But I find myself unable to just ignore his texts. He still needs my support and I don’t find it a big deal to just text him some encouraging words. My question is, am I still cheating?”

I guess you could debate if this were cheating. But it is most certainly, at least in my opinion, a dishonest betrayal done in secret. Admittedly, I’m biased toward the faithful spouse because this was my role in my own life. But, I can almost guarantee you that this wife’s husband would feel very betrayed and hurt if he knew that she was continuing to text the other man.

The thing is, even if nothing inappropriate is happening, you are still crossing the line. When your spouse says that they need for you to stay away from the other person and to not have contact, then this is exactly what they mean. Quite understandably, they are feeling unsure about your loyalty to them. So one way to make them feel better about this is to end all communication with the other person and to place your focus on your spouse and on your marriage.

And the truth is, if you are giving all of this emotional support to the other man, then you don’t have everything to give to your husband, which is what your husband needs and expects right now.

I do understand that you feel a certain obligation to the other man. But, your obligation has to be to your husband, to your children, and to your marriage. The best thing that you can do, for everyone involved, is to tell the other man that because you are focusing on your marriage, the best that you can do is to send good thoughts his way, wish him well, and let him go. At the end of the day, the hope is that he finds another, more appropriate, support system.

If you truly want to save your marriage, this is the way that it has to be. Your marriage can’t recover in a healthy way if you have broken pieces of yourself in two. Your family needs all of you. Anything less just isn’t fair and it doesn’t give you the best chance to succeed.
So while it’s my opinion that continuing to text your spouse isn’t overt cheating, it is subtle cheating. It’s likely something you wouldn’t do right in front of your spouse. Because you know it is wrong. Because you know it would cause hurt. And you know that it is dishonest. These things alone should tell you that you shouldn’t be doing it. I know you likely wanted a different answer. But I am just being honest. If my husband had continued texting the other person in his affair, I would definitely have seen it as cheating. And I would have definitely reconsidered placing my trust in him and trying to save my marriage.

I think that the placing your focus on your own marriage is the best option here.  There are ways to gently tell the other man that right now, you can’t participate in the relationship anymore.  If he really cares for you, he will want the best for you and he will understand. If it helps, you can read more about my own marriage after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

For How Long Will The Other Woman Wait For My Husband?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who feel as if, no matter what they do, they can’t seem to shake the other woman with whom their husband had an affair. Even though the husband has supposedly told her that it is over and that he is going to try to save his marriage, she has apparently decided to wait for him and to continue to hope that the affair relationship works out.

Here is what you might hear from a wife struggling with this issue: “I will admit that my husband lead the other woman on. When they were having their affair, he told her that he was going to divorce me to be with her. He admits this. But once I found out about the affair, I left him. He says he didn’t anticipate how much he would miss me and how much he’d realize that he didn’t want to lose me. So he sent the other woman an email to break it off. I read the email. He told her that he now realized the affair was a mistake and that he was going to stay with his wife. He asked her not to contact him and to move on with her life. She wrote back that she ‘would wait for him.’ He asked her please not to and insisted there was no longer any chance. She wrote back that she was waiting anyway. That was four months ago. My husband and I are working very hard on our marriage. There have been some improvements but there have also been some set backs. Still, the other day, my husband got another email from her that said: ‘I’m still waiting.’ I told him not to even respond to her. But for how long is she going to wait? It’s hard for me. Because I feel like I can’t move on with my marriage and with my life until she moves on. So for how much longer am I going to have to wait?”

It’s impossible for me to predict for how long the other woman will still cling to hope. I would think that it would depend upon what else is going on in her life and if, hopefully, she meets someone else to whom she can turn her attention.

But, quite frankly, you should not put your life on hold for her. Her moving on is up to her and it shouldn’t affect your bottom line in any way. Ignoring the last email was, at least in my opinion, the right thing to do. I would continue to do the exact same thing. I would continue to work on my marriage and not even allow her to be any part of the equation.

When it becomes clear to her that your husband isn’t including her in his life in any way, she will eventually have to assume that she is just wasting her time. Whether this will matter to her enough so that she stops waiting, well, only she knows that. But as long as no one is giving her any reason to hope for a future with the husband, then what she does with her life in the meantime is her own business. You can’t be responsible or involved with how she spends her time.

The best thing to do is to allow her to leave your mind, to give up all thoughts of her, and to hope that she does the same. Right now, your biggest concern is your marriage. Your husband ended it. He can’t do anymore than that. Since she’s not calling, texting, or attempting to see him in person, then the best thing to do is to continue to ignore her “I’m waiting” emails or to block them if you can.

She’s hoping for a response. If you don’t give her one, she may eventually give up. But whether she does or not isn’t really your problem. It is her life. Hopefully, eventually she will realize that holding on isn’t in her best interest.

But you can’t be responsible for her. You have yourself and your marriage to worry about. I know you feel you can’t move on until you know that she has too. But please reconsider that. She is only in your life if you allow her to be. The more you think of her and worry if she’s still waiting, the more power she has over you and the more you are still allowing her into your life. This is exactly what she wants. Don’t play that game. Focus on your own life and your own marriage and trust that one day soon, she will do the same. But if she doesn’t, it really can’t or shouldn’t affect your bottom line.

In my own situation, I found that the more I took the focus away from the other woman and placed it on myself and on my marriage, the better off I was.  If it helps, you can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

I Am Not Sure If I Can Promise To Stay Faithful To My Spouse. Should I Just Lie?

By: Katie Lersch:  Many people who are dealing with a cheating spouse insist on complete faithfulness from today forward. This is completely understandable.  After all, it is hard enough to deal with cheating once, but most people are clear on the fact that they are never going to be willing to deal with it again. So most people will attempt to make their spouse promise that they are going to remain faithful no matter what. Some cheating spouses will give this guarantee without any delay. Others are not sure if this is a promise that they can truthfully make.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I will admit that my husband could do better than me. He just found out that I have cheated on him with a man from my job. He is devastated, but he doesn’t know the half of it. This is honestly not the first time that I have cheated on him. I have done it a handful of times before this. And I’m not sure why I do it. I grew up in a household where I was the youngest and I was always in the way. It was clear that I was an accident and that my parents didn’t want me. Because there were so many kids, it was hard to get our parents’ attention. So today, whenever anyone gives me any attention, I will do almost anything to keep it. I know that this is pathetic and that I need to stop. But I have tried to stop and I don’t know how. I will vow to never cheat again and then a couple of months later, my paths will cross with someone who notices me and before I know it, I’m doing the same thing all over again. I don’t want to lose my husband. He’s the only man I know who has treated me with complete respect. He’s the only good and decent thing about my life. For a while there, I thought that he was going to divorce me. Now, he says that he will consider staying, but only if I promise him that I will remain faithful. Here is the thing. I really want to make this promise. I can almost envision the words coming off my lips. I want to have the security that he won’t leave me. But, because of my past behaviors, I know that claiming I will remain faithful will probably be a lie. So I am faced with the choice of lying or telling my spouse something that I know is potentially untrue. I would do anything to keep him. Should I lie?”

I don’t think you should lie. Dealing with the infidelity is already a blow to your marriage. It is going to be a struggle to regain the trust. If you lie to your spouse, you only make this worse.

I think that the best call would be to tell your spouse that what you can promise is that you are going to get the help that you need so that you can remove the behaviors that may prohibit the promise. Because if you tell him you won’t cheat and he catches you cheating again, I’m not sure that there is going to be anything that you can do or say to mitigate the damage at that point.

So instead, I would consider something like: “honey, I’m willing to do just about anything to save our marriage. And I think that in order to do that, I’m going to need to get some counseling. I’ve noticed in myself a tendency to crave attention from people. I believe that this goes back to my childhood when, no matter what I did, I couldn’t get my parents’ attention or approval. I believe this makes me vulnerable and eager to please today. So I’d like to work with a counselor to help me overcome this. I firmly believe that, once I do, I will overcome this and won’t have problems staying faithful. I don’t look forward to telling a stranger about my issues. But I’m willing to do whatever I need to do to be a faithful spouse to you and to give you the emotionally healthy wife that you deserve. Will you support me in this?”

I know that you can understand your husband’s need to know that you will remain faithful. As someone who has been cheated on by a spouse, I can tell you that this is extremely painful. And you feel that you need that reassurance that you won’t have to deal with this again. But, also as someone who has been through this, I believe that I can honestly say I’d rather my spouse spell out what they are doing to heal than for them to lie to me and then carry on with their same behaviors.

So I would suspect that your husband would prefer you be completely honest and to get the help you both need than to lie to him and cheat again.

I’d suggest working tirelessly to find the right counselor and then doing whatever that counselor tells you to do.  You can’t have a healthy marriage if you don’t have a healthy self.  The struggles you inherited from your parents are not your fault, but you it is your responsibility to deal with them as a mature adult. You can heal from infidelity, but you must tell the truth to yourself.  If it helps, you can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

I Found Out That My Husband Has Cheated On Me For Our Entire Marriage

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women who feel as if they have been dealt a double blow. Just as they are trying to process the fact that their husband has been cheating, they have found out that this isn’t the first time that he has cheated. Even worse, it is clear that their husband has been cheating throughout the entire length of their marriage.

I might hear a comment like: “I found out that my husband had been cheating on me with someone who he went to high school with and with whom he has recently reconnected. I demanded that we go to counseling immediately and my husband has complied with this. The counselor suggested that we both go to counseling individually also. My husband hated this idea, but he agreed because he knew that he didn’t have any choice. We have been sticking to this schedule for about five weeks. The other day we had our couple counseling session right after his individual session. The counselor told me that something had come out during that session that my husband now wanted to share with me. At that point, my husband proceeded to tell me that this was not his first affair. I braced myself thinking he was going to tell me that there was another woman before this one. But it was so much worse than that. Instead, he told me that he has cheated off and on during our whole marriage. This means for ten years, he has cheated with multiple women who he has met on business trips and at the gym or at the dentist or wherever he goes. He said that none of these affairs lasted very long and that none meant anything to him. Although the counselor asked me not to make any immediate decisions, this matters a great deal to me. It tells me that my husband has a serious problem that is going to be difficult, if not impossible, to overcome. And I feel like the betrayal level has just gone up dramatically. I thought that he cheated with this other woman because she was special to him when he was young. But that’s not true at all. Because he will cheat with anyone who is breathing, apparently. This makes me feel as if our entire marriage has been a lie. I can not even fathom staying now. The counselor is urging me to give him a chance to get treatment, but can this really work?”

Before I try to answer, please know that I am not a mental health counselor. I can tell you my opinion from experience and research, but it’s just an opinion. I’d certainly think that your counselor is more qualified to advise you. With that said, I tend to agree with your assessment that this kind of repeat cheating does show an issue that is obviously one that has never gone away for this husband. Some people will actually tell you that this is good news because once you are able to address and solve this issue, then you can move on.  And they think it is positive that it is not an issue with our marriage but rather, an issue with him. Some wives would actually rather have this type of situation than one in which the husband has fallen in love with someone else and who is hesitant to let the other woman go. The thinking behind this is that it is good news that none of these women really mattered to him.

I am not sure which train of thought that I agree most with. I do know that I have heard of marriages in which repeat cheaters were rehabilitated very successfully. However, it can’t be an easy process. You need to have a husband who is extremely committed to figuring out what is wrong and then who is willing to work for a long time in fixing it. You also need a wife who is both willing and able to stand by him as he is going through this rehabilitation. Not every one can or is willing to do this. And I can not make that decision for you. I ultimately did chose to stay with my husband after his affair and I have never regretted that decision. But, there was only one infidelity. I am not sure what I would have decided if there had been repeat infidelities.  I suspect that the process of recovery would have been similar, but it likely would have spanned and a longer period of time and required more intense professional help. If my husband had been willing to seek that help, then I might have been willing to consider just waiting to see what would happen without making any guarantees or promises. But that is just my own opinion for my own situation. I know that this is very painful. And that is why I’m very glad that you are in the good hands of a counselor.

Regardless of what you decide, I would encourage you to keep seeing a counselor of your own choosing. Regardless of what you end up doing with your marriage, a good counselor can support you through the process and help you navigate each step. And this is true even if you decide not to save your marriage after all. I can’t make that decision for you. I can only say that I have seen marriages return to healthy and happy places in this situation. And I have also seen people end their marriages over this but then, with help, go onto to live their lives in a good and happy place. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here. I just think the question is what is the right answer for you.  And that might not be immediately obvious.  Which is why I agree with the counselor and think that it is a good idea not to make rash decisions.  I always took the “wait and see” approach during my own recovery.  I told my husband that I wasn’t making him any promises but that I was willing to be open the process.   I have never regretted this.  But every one must chose the right course for themselves. If it helps, you can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

My Husband Is Full Of Himself After Having An Affair. He Thinks He’s Hot Stuff

By: Katie Lersch:  Many women see their husbands very differently after he cheats or has an affair.  This often involves perceptions of what is on the inside – which is something that you can’t see.  Sometimes though, there is a change of perception about what you see on the outside.  And this change can come from the man himself.  He can see himself differently (and more positively) because he internalizes the approval that he thinks he is getting from the other woman.

A wife might describe this situation: “my husband has always been a decent looking guy. But he has never been vain.  That is one thing that I always loved about him.  I always thought he was gorgeous, but he never seemed to think this about himself.  He could look good without even trying.  He has no self awareness and he would wear clothing he picked out in about two seconds and wouldn’t take any care with his appearance.  Outward looks really never meant much to my husband and that was a big appeal to me.  Well, since he had an affair, suddenly how his looks matter a great deal to him.  That was actually one reason that I suspected that he was having an affair.  Suddenly, he started going to a stylist instead of his usual barber.  Instead of ordering his old standby clothes from a catalog, he began shopping at the store where my son shops which caters to a much younger crowd.  He traded in his SUV and got a sports car that is much too small for our family.  I catch him primping in the mirror all of the time.  He almost struts when he walks.  It’s as if he thinks he’s a male model instead of a middle aged father.  Honestly, I had thought I wanted to save my marriage, but his preoccupation with his looks is now a huge turn off for me.  I’ve never been into men who are conceited and full of themselves and that is just how my husband is acting – like he thinks he’s hot stuff.  He’s good looking.  But Brad Pitt has nothing to worry about.  My husband is still a middle aged man.  And he doesn’t seem to get that.”

I know how frustrating this can be.  He “doesn’t seem to get” that he’s a middle aged man because he simply doesn’t want to – at least for right now.  In fact, much of the time, this is what the affair is all about.  It doesn’t have much to do with the other woman.  But it has everything to do with him desperately attempting to prove to himself that he is still worthwhile and he is still in the game.  Many men have affairs at a time when they are seriously doubting their own attractiveness. So when the other woman tells him how good looking he is, (or at least says this with her actions) it’s sometimes just exactly what he was wanting to hear.

Many of us don’t appreciate that men have doubts about their looks in the same way that women do.  And many of us women will feel that a man who worries about his looks is pathetic and vain. I understand this and I had the same thoughts.  But one day I was in the bathroom and applying heavy moisturizer and feeling a little down about it. And I realized that this was actually the same thing that my husband was probably going through.  Many things about aging are wonderful.  We often realize life truths that have long eluded us.  We are often settled and more confident in some areas.  But we all look in the mirror and know full well that our looks are changing.  Men are no different.

I am not trying to defend your husband.  But I am trying to offer you reassurance that this doesn’t always last forever.  This will often end about the same time that the affair does – particularly if your husband is the one who broke it off.  I know very few men who are still acting this way years after the fact.  This is one way that they externalize what they are feeling inside.  Once the novelty wears off on the inside, you usually see it change on the outside.

One way to help you to have a little patience with this (and not to be as turned off) is to try to see him for what he truly is – a middle aged man who is struggling with insecurity.  It might look like conceit on the outside, but it is really insecurity.  And we all have insecurities as we age.  And many of us will try different skin care regimens or hair styles or ways of dress in a way to counter this and make ourselves feel better.

Yes, your husband has taken it way too far.  But I suspect that it won’t last. I know that you may be tempted to tell him how stupid he looks, but this may make him feel even more insecure and actually reinforce the behavior.  You might seem him primping more instead of less. I think it’s better to try to see him as someone who is struggling and know that it is probably going to pass.  It’s more important to decide where you want to go from here than to focus on his primping.

Unfortunately, emotions tied into how we look become magnified under the scope of infidelity.  I experienced this also.  And for a while, I did focus on improving my appearance because his affair hit my self esteem.  This did make me feel better at the time and improved my confidence.  Feel free to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Immediately After I Caught Him Cheating, He Said He Didn’t Love Me Anymore. Now He’s Supposedly Changed His Mind Since The Other Woman Doesn’t Want Him

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are dealing with a husband’s very abrupt change of heart in the after math of his affair. This makes the roller coaster ride that you are already on that much worse. And it makes you wonder when your husband was actually telling the truth – during his initial claim or once he changed his mind.

A faithful spouse might explain: “when I first confronted my husband about his affair, he didn’t even hesitate to tell me that he was in love with her and that he was not going to even consider breaking it off. He made it clear that he believed that he had a future with her. He started posting pictures of them all over facebook and he seemed not to care that my family and friends were going to see it. At that time, it was pretty clear to be that he considered my marriage over. In fact, he told me that he didn’t love me like a spouse anymore and that he loved me like a family member. He insisted that he now felt love for her. I did not want to accept this. It was too much to process. But I had no choice than to start moving on. About two months after this, he texted me and told me that their relationship had ended. He said that he had made a horrible mistake. I told him I appreciated him keeping me updated, but that it didn’t really matter because the damage was done. He didn’t listen. He started showing up to my church and other places where he knew that I was going to be. I run every night at the same place and he often just shows up and says he will take whatever time I can give him. I am sort of flattered that he came to his senses, but I don’t really believe what he’s saying now. A mere two months ago, he was telling me that he was in love with someone else. And now suddenly, because it didn’t work out with the other woman, he loves me again? The problem is, he’s trying to get my kids to help him get me back. They want him back home. There are days when I fantasize about this too, but then I come back to reality. Are there any circumstances under which I should believe him?”

I certainly understand your concern. I would be skeptical also, as I’m sure many women in this situation would be. I can tell you that some men do come back to their wives only after the affair does not work out.  Basically, they see their wife as the consolation prize.  But this is not the case every time. Because some men will swear that it took a little time for them to see their mistake clearly.  But they insist that now that they have seen their error, their love for their spouse returns because they realize that what they felt for the other woman was anything but love. So, it is not impossible for them to have these types of realizations, but the doubt that you have as a result is understandable.

People tend to use a couple of approaches if they have any interest in their marriage. Many go to counseling in order to have someone neutral and qualified to help them sort through this. Going through this process will allow you to see what your spouse is really thinking and feeling and, with time, it will give you more confidence that you can trust him. Others will decide that they will wait and see if their spouse will prove his love over a certain period of time. And others will combine both methods for maximum results.

The truth is, only time is going to tell you if he is sincere. And it is up to you as to whether or not you want to allow him that time. You do not have to make a quick decision on this. You can watch his behaviors over time and see if they are consistent with his claims. Or you can go to counseling with the understanding that you will only continue if you feel that progress is being made. It is ultimately up to you if the effort is worth it. Some women do not want to even think of giving him another chance after being hurt in this way. And others, though doubtful, will decide that they have nothing to lose by waiting to see how this will all turn it. Truly, it is your decision to make and you don’t need to allow yourself to be pressured to make it immediately.

If he is only posturing or is receptive to you simply because he’s let down the other relationship ended, that will become apparent soon enough. If he’s not sincere about his love, then the way he treats you and interacts with you is not going to be indicative of that over time. Most people can fake this for just a little while, but once the novelty wears off, those who aren’t sincere will let down their guard and their lies will be pretty obvious. I know that this isn’t the immediate answer that you may have been hoping for. But honestly, his true feelings often take time to reveal themselves. And yours might also.

You may not be sure where you want to go from here.  And that is fine.  You can tell him that you are still sorting it out and if he is sincere about his love, he will wait, go to counseling, or do whatever else you need for him to do.  I did not feel guilty requiring this of my own husband.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

The Other Woman Keeps Contacting My Wife And Telling Her More And More About The Affair

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from panicked spouses who don’t know what to do now that their “other woman” and their wife are comparing notes. This often happens because, for whatever reason, the other woman feels compelled to spill the beans. And although the cheating spouse will often do everything in his power to stop the communication, the other woman refuses to stop the communication and the two women are now speaking regularly. And as a result, both women are seeing that the husband was telling them two different stories and, in a sense, lying to them both.

You might hear the husband say something like: “I know that cheating was wrong and I never intended for the affair to become a long term thing. But I developed feelings for the other woman. And she is someone who is very honorable. She didn’t want to have a relationship with me because I was married. So I told her that my marriage was in trouble. This wasn’t exactly true. My wife and I had gone through a rough patch. I never intended to end my marriage. But I didn’t tell the other woman that. This was awful of me. I know that now. I realize that I strung the other woman along. Well, the other woman got tired of that. So she called me wife and told her everything. At first my wife, hung up on her. But she called again the next day. And the next. And now they are talking regularly. They have almost become friendly. And they talk about me. At this point, they both act like they hate me. They both refuse to talk to me. I understand that, in a way. And quite frankly, even though I have feelings for other woman, I don’t care as much as to how she feels about me. Because I never intended for that relationship to last.  And I would let it go in an instant to get my wife back.   I care very much about my marriage with my wife. And I want it back more than anything. But my wife would rather talk to the other woman than to me. I asked the other woman not to call anymore but she said I can’t control what she does and that my wife actually wants to talk to her. What can I do?”

Well, the strategy that is going to be effective is going to depend upon whether or not its true if your wife is willingly communicating with the other woman. Because if the other woman was forcing communication with your wife, then you could change your phone number and take other steps toward stopping the communication.

But, if your wife is a willing participant, then there is not much that you can do other than to stress to your wife that you’d like to save your marriage and that you can not do that until the other woman is out of both of your lives.

Don’t be surprised though if she isn’t receptive to this at first. As a wife who has dealt with infidelity, I can offer some information as to why she could be receptive to the other woman right now.  From my own experience, I’d suspect that she is trying to gather information. She wants to know what she is up against. And she knows that you have an interest in slanting the story for your own benefit. In her own mind, she is trying to get to the truth. She likely intends to hear everything that the other woman has to say and she may eventually hear what you have to say with the intention of comparing the two stories and seeing what rings true to her.

There isn’t much that you can do to prevent this process. She’s bound to be naturally curious and she has every right to attempt to get the whole story. You could try promising her that you are going to tell her the entire, complete, and truthful story so that she doesn’t have to get it from someone else. But she may not take you up on that.

I’d suggest trying to be open, honest, and forthcoming and then having patience and allowing your wife to come to you. Pressuring her or forbidding her to speak to someone are not going to help your cause and they may contribute to her pulling away from you even more.

You may consider trying a conversation like: “I know that you think the other woman is trying to offer you something. I know you think that you are getting information from her. But I’d like for you to consider that she is giving you information meant to hurt me and meant to make me lose my marriage.  The truth is, she is motivated by anger. I understand that what happens with our marriage is completely up to you. I understand that you may need time or that you may never want to forgive me. But before you make any decisions, I hope you will hear me out. I am so very remorseful for this. I am so very over the other woman. What I want more than anything in the world is to make this up to you and to retain my family. I know that my own actions have put that in jeopardy. But I hope that one day you will give me the chance.”

Notice that this conversation did not ask her not to see the other woman. That is over stepping at this point and that makes it look like all you care about is stopping her from getting information. You want to instead show her that what you care about most is your marriage and her well being.  And you must be sincere about this.

Focus first on trying to establish communication with your wife. The hope is that this will make her more interested in the idea of saving your marriage which will naturally make her less interested in talking to the other woman.

Once she has lost interest in conversing with the other woman, the real work begins.  You will need to be attending, patient, and understanding.  And you will have to show your wife that your highest priority is her.  You can read more about my own recovery after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Why Does Our Couples Counselor Want To See My Husband Individually?

By: Katie Lersch: I think that most people would agree that the gold standard of recovery after an affair is finding a marriage counselor who can help guide you through a healthy recovery. After all, many of us have the will to move on and to save our marriage. But many of us don’t have the knowledge of what we need to do next. Most of us aren’t able to identify where we are getting stuck. Counseling or targeted self help can aid us with this.

So most of us are pretty certain that we are doing the right thing when we require that our spouse accompany us to counseling. But sometimes, the counselor says or does things that we do not agree with. And it makes us question our decision. One such example is a counselor who wants to do individual counseling in addition to the couples’ counseling.

You might hear a spouse say: “I can’t deny that going to marriage counseling has helped us after my husband’s affair. When we first started going to counseling, we would erupt into fighting the second that we were alone together. Now, we can communicate for longer periods of time before things go south. And we have to work together in order to do our weekly assignments. It has helped us. I can’t deny that. But last week, the counselor told us that he would like to see my husband individually. She did not really explain why she wants to do this and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Is she only trying to pad her bill now? I know that this is silly, but I’m starting to look back on some of our therapy sessions and I find myself thinking that she may have been flirting with my husband at times. I know that this is paranoid thinking on my part. But I don’t want my husband spending intimate alone time with another woman. Considering what I’ve gone through with his cheating, I think that this is understandable. My husband says he will do whatever I want. He says if I don’t want him to go, he won’t. I am confused about this. Why would she want to see him individually? Should I be concerned?”

I do understand your thought process. It’s normal to be suspicious all of the time when you’ve recently had to deal with this type of betrayal.  I am not a counselor. But I do know that it is very common for a couple to do both couple and individual therapy after an affair. The couples therapy is so that the issues in the marriage can be worked through. And the individuals counseling is so that the counselor can help the individual identify and work through their individual behaviors that could have contributed to the affair or that might now be keeping them from healing in the present time.  It also allows both people to be open and to say things that they may not have wanted to say in front of their spouse.  This makes healing possible when it may have been stalled before.

Many therapists see both types of counseling as necessary. Because it is difficult to completely fix your marriage if the individuals involved are going to keep participating in behaviors that are destructive to the marriage. Often, the counselor will suggest individual therapy to both spouses. I can’t speculate as to why the therapist in the above scenario just asked the husband. This is only speculation on my part, but it could be that she thinks that his issues are the most immediate and that she will evaluate the wife individually later.

I’m not going to tell you that couple’s counseling can’t be successful if you don’t also do individual counseling along side of it. The wife herself said she’d seen improvement. But I don’t think there’s any question that individual counseling would likely improve or enhance your results and make it less likely that your husband would cheat again.

If you are uncomfortable with him going to a woman individually, then you could explore having him see another male counselor for his individual sessions. I think that this is probably a better option than him not going at all.

It is ultimately your decision, and it is promising that your husband has no problem going along with your wishes. But it is not at all uncommon for the therapist to want to focus on individuals as well as couples. I don’t know the parties involved, but I certainly wouldn’t suspect that the suggestion was inappropriate. I’d suspect that the therapist was just trying to do the best job that she could and she saw that the husband could benefit from some individual work as well.

But the decision, of course, is yours. Because obviously, the goal of counseling is to make things better for you, not worse. It’s important that you speak up when you have questions or something makes you uncomfortable. Because your counselor can’t fully help you if she doesn’t know what is troubling you.

I have to admit that counseling wasn’t always seamless after my husband’s affair.  It took some time before I found one that I liked.  And I also used self help outside of the counseling, which helped me a great deal also.  You can read more about how I navigated life after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

My Husband Is So Matter Of Fact When Recounting The Details Of His Affair. What Does This Mean?

By: Katie Lersch: Much of the time, I hear from people who are trying very hard to pull the details about the affair out of their cheating spouse. Often, this is very challenging. Because once the affair is found out, much of the time, the cheating spouse will clam up, either in an attempt to keep from hurting their spouse or in an attempt to lessen the impact of the affair. It’s pretty obvious as to why this happens.

Occasionally though, I hear from someone who has the opposite problem. Their spouse is blurting out details in a matter of fact, detached tone that has them quite confused.

An example is the wife who says: “it may be quite naive of me, but I never suspected that my husband was cheating on me. I did notice that he went to a certain bar all of the time, but I honestly thought he liked the food. Turns out, he was cheating on me with a waitress there. I have told him that I want all of the details. I expected him to balk at this. I expected that he would honestly be embarrassed to spill everything. But no, it has been just the opposite. He takes a deep breath and he just starts talking in this monotone voice. He talks as though he is talking about someone else and as though he is describing a scene in a novel or something. And then he recounts every details, from conversations to sexual encounters. He doesn’t show any emotions. He just says all of this in a very matter of fact way. What does this mean? Does this mean that he doesn’t care about hurting me? Does he not care how I receive this information? Is he proud of his exploits? I ask because when my best friend’s husband had an affair, it took him months and months to finally tell her everything. He didn’t want to hurt her and he didn’t want her to react to this hurt by divorcing her. ”

I know that this must be painful and confusing. But any answer that I give you is only going to be a theory. Only your husband knows his reasoning, but I think that a few things are possible here. I’ll go over some of them below to see if anything strikes a cord with you.

He May Just Want To Get The Details Over With. And The Matter Of Fact Delivery Is A Way To Mask His Emotion: Your husband may know that there is no around telling you the truth. He may know you well enough to know that you are going to accept nothing less than every detail, so he may have resigned himself to the fact that he may as well just get it over with.

And part of getting it over with is just coming out with it. But that is very difficult. Imagine just for a second if you were the one having to give all of the details. It is not easy. It’s common to become overly emotional because this is very embarrassing and shameful information. One way to get through it is to emotionally shut down. That is why you see the flat tone of voice and the matter of fact delivery.

Does this mean that he doesn’t care? Not necessarily. In fact, it could mean just the opposite. He may know that what he says is going to make you very emotional so he is holding his own emotions back for the fear of making things worse. Of course, I don’t know this for sure, but I think it could be possible.

Actions Are More Important Than His Verbal Delivery: Honestly, you and I could speculate all day. You probably aren’t going to know more about your husband’s intentions until a little time goes by. Quite honestly, you will often learn more about his motivations as you watch his behaviors. Words can easily be lies. But it’s very hard for him to lie with his behaviors .

A man who doesn’t want to hurt his wife ends the affair and then does what he needs to do in order to help her to move on in a healthy way. A man more concerned about himself becomes defensive, continues to be secretive, and pulls away from his wife when she needs his support the most.  It is pretty easy to tell the difference between the two by observing.

His delivery and the words that he uses aren’t as important as how he acts and what he does. His matter of fact tone is likely meant to just help him get through what he has to say. But the real deal will come when you see how he acts moving forward.

I know that his monotone words are hard to hear.  But there is some positive news here.  Many wives have to wait months and months to get to the truth.  You’ve already gotten that out of the way.  Now, you can start observing and healing.   You can read more about how I navigated life after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

How Long Do Most Men Stay Excited About The Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: When you know that your husband is having an affair and you see him acting like a child at Christmas time, it can be very painful. You know that his sense of excitement and anticipation has everything to do with the other woman. You worry greatly about this, but you have no idea what to do about it. Many times, you will hear that you need to be patient and that this will pass. But you wonder for just how long you are going to have to wait.

A wife might say: “I knew that my husband was having an affair as soon as it started. He’s never cheated before and I never thought that he would. But it was obvious. There was an actual spring in his step. When he would leave the house to go to work, I would actually watch him walk out the front door and go to his car and it almost looked as if he were skipping. Clearly, he was excited to be going to work, which was very unusual. So I started snooping around and I found out that, sure enough, he had been cheating. I was talking about this to one of our mutual friends who actually knows the other woman. She said that I should just wait it out. She feels strongly that this sense of excitement will wear out. And when it does, she feels that the affair will just naturally end of its own. I will admit, this idea does sound more attractive than having a big confrontation. But quite honestly, he’s been acting this way for months. I’m not sure that I can wait even more months for the excitement to fade. How long does it take?”

There is no set answer to this because every situation is different. However, I hear from a lot of couples in the middle of trying to muddle through one partner’s affair. In my view, the husband’s excitement will begin to wane due to a couple of possibilities.

First, it can wane because he seems to suddenly “wake up” and realize his mistake. Many men are not living in reality when they are carrying out the affair. They are able to compartmentalize their marriage and their affair quite effectively. In their minds, they will juggle this situation to the best of their ability while they hope that no one gets hurt.

But this rarely happens. Usually, the wife finds out about the affair and it’s quite obvious that someone has in fact gotten hurt. It’s quite obvious that there is a family at stake. And that can be when reality comes crashing down. And that can take the excitement right out of the situation. Because suddenly, it is not fun and games anymore.

Another possibility is that the excitement can begin to wane when the other woman begins to change her behavior. Very often, the affair starts out as a light endeavor with no strings attached. It’s all about having fun without any pressure involved. This works for a little while when the other woman begins to ask herself what is in it for her. She realizes that he’s leaning on her for escape but he isn’t really offering her much in return. This is about the time when she can start making demands.

And once this happens, the husband realizes that the reality he hoped for isn’t realistic. She’s going to start making demands on him, having expectations and disappointments, and then acting, well, more wife like. When it’s not longer and escape, it’s no longer as exciting.

Finally, nothing stays new forever. It just can’t. Once something becomes familiar, it usually isn’t exciting anymore.

Some wives will wait for the excitement to wear down. And others will confront him because they can’t stand to live the lie anymore. I can’t tell you that one tactic is better than the other. I have seen both work and I have seen both fail, depending on the circumstances.

I believe that the outcome has more to do with the commitment level of each person and with what both spouses decide in terms of their marriage. It can be very hard to make it work until he decides that he is done with the affair and with the other woman and he actually makes good on this by staying away.

At the same time, the end of the affair is only the beginning. There is much work left to do. The good news is that much of the time, the work means that your marriage is usually a much stronger one than you started with.

I know that you were likely looking for a concrete answer. You likely wanted me to say that the excitement lasts for a certain number of weeks or months. I’m sorry that I can’t give you this. Sometimes, reality hits earlier and sometimes it comes later. But most of the time, it comes eventually. The only question is often when.

I know that it is very hard to just sit and watch him act like this.  But I believe the best strategy is to focus on yourself and to tell yourself that your experience is not dependent on another person.  His mistake is not your mistake.  This is his mess to clean up.  Working on yourself is, in my view, never a waste of time.  Once I understood this, I was able to detach for a bit.  And that made all the difference. You can read more about how I navigated life after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com