By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who find it very important to determine how their spouse really feels about the person with whom they have been having an affair. Often, the faithful spouse suspects (and sometimes has proof) that there were seemingly strong emotional feelings. And this can matter very much when you are trying to save your marriage but understandably have your doubts.
Common comments are things like: “my husband had a four month affair with a woman who I don’t even know. And the only reason that I found out was that she called me and told me that I had better get used to a life without my husband because eventually, they were going to be together. She claimed that they were madly in love with one another and had the type of love that meant that they would be together forever. Well, needless to say, I immediately confronted my husband about this. And his claims are much different. He says that he didn’t love her. He says that it was just a fling. But the other woman has sent me emails and texts and they seem to indicate an emotional attachment. How do I know if my husband loves her or not? Because it is going to be hard enough to save my marriage. But if he is actually in love with someone else, then it is probably going to be impossible.”
I felt very deeply for this wife. Maintaining a positive attitude when trying to recover from an affair can be quite a challenge. But it is even more difficult if you think that your spouse is actually in love with someone else. In the following article, I will try to offer some insights that might help in this situation.
Know Why The Other Woman Has A Vested Interest In Painting A Picture That Might Not Be Reality: Let’s think about this for a second. This woman has already admitted that she wants to be with the husband forever. So what does common sense tell you has to happen first? Well, she needs to break up the marriage so that she can be with the husband without any obstacles. She needs to get the wife out of the way. And one way to do this is to make the wife so hurt or angry that she willingly walks away or kicks the husband out of the house and initiates a divorce. If any of these things happen, then suddenly her job is much more easy.
Not only that, but if the wife becomes so furious with the husband that she completely rejects him or distances herself from him, then where does he run? Back to the other woman’s open arms. So it’s important to understand that often, she is telling you about their great love affair not to inform you of anything earth shattering or to be kind, but as part of a plan meant to help her to meet her own objectives, and not yours.
That’s why I would highly recommend that you not just blindly believe her. Listen to what your husband has to say, gather some information, and decide for yourself what the information is telling you.
Know That It’s Possible He Thought That He Felt Something Real, But Has Now Changed His Mind Or Now Sees Things More Clearly: It’s extremely common for people to feel invested emotionally when they are having an affair. And I’m not sure if this makes the situation better or worse. Because it’s not all that great to think that the person you are married to would carry on with someone just because of the sex when no emotions were involved. That would appear to be very shallow. But knowing that there might have been perceived emotions involved isn’t always preferable either.
It might help to know that often the perceived feelings are present because he is right in the middle of the affair. It’s also extremely common for cheaters to realize that they were wrong about their feelings once they spend some time away from the other person. Often, the more time that goes by, the more they realize that the whole thing was a facade and that their feelings weren’t at all real. And this is why you may see some proof that he was claiming to have feelings at the time while right now he is denying the same.
He May Have Decided That He Is Committed To You Regardless Of His Feelings Now Or In The Past: Cheaters may deny their feelings for the other person because they don’t want to hurt you. And they may decide that it truly doesn’t matter anyway because they have recommitted themselves to you and your marriage. I know that this may not be all that reassuring. But frankly, it’s my opinion that the real concern should just be moving forward. Because moving forward is the best way to make sure that the feelings diminish as quickly as possible
I know that you may have the feeling that the other woman has won. After all, she got your husband to have a relationship with her and she is now claiming that she has his love as well. And yes, she may feeling momentarily triumphant. But she probably won’t feel that way for long when your husband informs her that he is recommitting to his marriage and therefore won’t be seeing her anymore. At that point, her confidence may wane because it may then be obvious that feelings in the past don’t matter or weren’t even real.
So to answer the question posed, he may not be telling you the whole truth about his feelings. But, it’s also possible that he may be totally honest when he says that he now realizes what they had wasn’t love at all.
I used to be very fixated on my husband’s feelings for the other woman. But one day, I realized that I couldn’t control any aspect of this. I realized that all I could control was my own feelings and behaviors and the recovery of my own marriage. Once I began to see my husband place his efforts on our marriage, I began to worry less about his previous feelings, if any. If it helps, you can read more about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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