How To Get Your Husband Back When He Thinks He’s In Love With His Mistress?

Sometimes, I hear from wives who very much want to save their marriage and get their husband back after his affair – but there’s a problem.  Their husband thinks or believes that he’s “in love” with the other woman or mistress so, at least at this time, he’s not receptive to saving the marriage or coming back to the wife.

I get a lot of heartbreaking emails about this.  I often read comments like “My husband thinks the other woman walks on water.  He thinks she does no wrong.  He thinks she makes him feel “alive” and “whole” again.  He doesn’t care that she’s a low class person or is probably only after him for his money.  He just thinks she’s the most wonderful person in the world and that she’s his soul mate.  How in the world can I compete with that?  How in the world can I save my marriage and get my husband home to his kids when he thinks he’s found what he’s always been looking for in this woman?”

This is a very difficult situation.  Because when the husband is walking around in this fog of infatuation, there’s very little that you can do until he starts to come down to reality – but that can and does usually happen. And, there are things that you can do to move it along so that it happens more quickly.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

As Tempting As It Is, If You Point Out The Other Woman’s Flaws, You’ll Likely Only Make Him Defensive And Have Him Defending Her:  I know that it’s very tempting to point out how stupid your husband is being and what a deplorable tramp he’s carrying on with.  But if you do that now, you’re only alienating him from you and only making him take up for her – which brings them closer together.

I know it’s so hard to bite your tongue and to keep from pointing out how stupid he’s acting and what a huge mistake he is making.   But if you do this, you are likely make your situation worse.  And since it’s a safe bet you want him back, this isn’t what you want to do.

I’ve seen this situation play out time and time again.  And most of the time, if you wait, lurk in the shadows, and bide your time, you will be in the best position in the end.  Which leads me to my next point.

Know That Once The Affair Runs It’s Course, He Will Realize That Doesn’t Even Know This Women – Much Less Love Her:  I’ve never had an affair (although my husband did,) and I dialog with many men who have on my blog.   And here’s what they tell me about affairs.  In the beginning, they get so caught up in the excitement and the “newness” of it, that they aren’t really thinking.  They aren’t looking at it objectively or intellectually.

Eventually though, this “new” phase passes.  It’s inevitable.  And when it does, this is often when your husband takes a long, hard look at this other woman and realizes that he doesn’t really know her at all.  If this is true, how can he really love her?

Here’s another important point.  A relationship that is build on deception, lies, and dishonestly doesn’t really have much of a chance in the end.   She will eventually show her true colors and he will realize what a fool her has been.  When this happens, you want to have positioned yourself in the best way possible, which is why it’s important that you take the high road, even when it’s very difficult.

Putting Yourself In The Best Position Possible To Get Your Husband Back From The Mistress:  I know it’s very difficult to wait for all of her allure to wear off.  But it almost always does.  And if you are patient and build yourself up while you are waiting, you will be in the best position possible once their relationship starts to crumble.

So how do you handle yourself until then?  This is a delicate dance.  It really does depend on your husband’s attitude at the time, but I think it’s always a good idea to handle yourself with dignity and respect.  It should be clear that you aren’t going to compete with her or be involved in any love triangle.  When he decides who or what he wants, you will be willing to reconsider then -but not until then.

Women often ask me if they should attempt to have sex with their husband while he’s still with the mistress.  In other words, they want to know if they should try to lure him back or to get the husband to actually cheat on the mistress with the wife.  This can be a tough call too.

And I understand both lines of thinking on this.  You can feel that if you can get him intimate with you again, you will have a chance to get him back.  But if you allow him to have a relationship with both of you, then he really has no incentive to end the relationship with the mistress.

Now, if he’s beginning to come around and it’s clear he’s considering ending the relationship with the other woman, then you might have an argument.  But it’s ideally best to wait until it’s clear that he’s again committed to you and completely cutting off contact with her – although I know that this is easier said than done.

Throughout this process, I recommend doing everything in your power to restore your self esteem.  You never want to be in a position where you believe that’s she’s better than you in any way or has something that you do not.  Do whatever you need to do to feel confident, beautiful, and good about yourself because this really does matter.

The image that you project becomes the image that every one else believes.  If you feel badly about yourself, this will likely affect the way every one around you feels and views you.  If you are worried about your sexual confidence, there’s an ebook on the side of this blog that is quite good for that.

If it helps, you are welcome to read about how I got over my own husband’s affair.  It was a long hard journey, but frankly our marriage is better than ever now – and I don’t worry he will cheat again.  You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Having Sex For The First Time With Your Husband After He Cheated

I get a lot of emails from wives who are concerned about what sex is going to be like after their husband cheated or had an affair.  Many are trying very hard to save their marriages.  They are doing everything they can to move on in a positive way.

But sex can be a whole different story in this equation because it’s just so raw.  There’s really no where to hide.  If it’s awkward or awful this can negatively affect your attempts to save your marriage and get things back to normal.  And, some women fear that they (or their husband) are going to think about the other woman during sex.

They other worry that either they or their husband won’t get aroused or turned on and that the whole encounter might be a disaster.   And if it’s a disaster, what does this say about his attraction for and desire for you and about the marriage?

This is a shame because sometimes sexual issues after cheating or an affair don’t have everything to do with sexual desire or the lack of it.  A lot of emotions, doubt, fear, and resentment can be tied to sex after cheating.

In the following article, I’ll offer some tips to help make sure the first time you have sex with your husband after cheating is a good experience rather than a bad one.

Although It’s Very Tempting:  Don’t Rush Sex After His Cheating Or Affair:  I admit that I was very tempting to rush into sex after my husband’s affair –  not because I particularly wanted to have it with him, but because I wanted confirmation that he would still find me attractive or be turned on by me.

And I think part of me wanted for him to want me so I could turn around and turn him down.  I know this was silly thinking on my part and a potential power play but that’s the way I felt.  However, after hearing from people I respect, I decided I would be better off waiting and I’m so glad I did because the experience was actually quite good rather than awkward, in genuine, or forced.

If you have any doubt or reservation, I think it is better to wait.  Honestly, if you can wait until the moment is absolutely right and you both want to be together more than anything else and can’t wait another moment, this is how you know that you have waited long enough.

I know it’s very tempting to want the reassurance of sex.  You want to connect again.  You want affirmation.  But isn’t it better to know that you can freely participate without doubt or pain?   I know that husbands have a tendency to pressure you for sex because they want to know that you are forgiven them.

But part of your healing process is putting yourself and your needs first.  You can gently and lovingly tell him that, when you do have sex, you want it to be special and you aren’t sure you’re at that point yet, but that he will be the first to know.  You can phrase it in a playful way that isn’t a rejection.

Regaining Your Sexual Confidence After Your Husband Cheated Or Had An Affair:  To me, the one thing that is going to make sex after an affair good is your own confidence.  If you go into this worried that he doesn’t find you desirable or that the experience isn’t going to be good, this is going to affect the outcome and both of your levels of enjoyment.  I know you might hope that your doubts or reluctance won’t be obvious, but it generally is.

So, I actually think it’s a very good idea to work on rebuilding your self esteem before you have sex with your husband again.  Tweak your appearance if it bothers you, get something amazing to wear so that you can feel your best.

A resource that I’m affiliated with and can recommend is an ebook called “Her Secrets.”   I will give you fair warning that it’s a bit racy.   It teaches you how to tweak your sexual skills and, shall we say and incorporate things that men REALLY like in bed so that at least you can have the confidence that the experience is going to be good for him.

And quite frankly, isn’t that what we all want? To know that sex with us is so good that he doesn’t want or need to go and get it anywhere else?  With that said though, I don’t ever want for you to feel as though you have to put on a performance or do everything right to earn his love or desire.

Because this is as much about an emotional connection as it about a physical one. If your mind isn’t into it, your body can’t be either.  That’s why I recommend making sure you have done everything that you need to heal before you resume your sex life.

I know it’s a lot to ask to wait, but I suspect you will be glad you did.  I’m very glad I did.  The experience was a very good one and our marriage is back on firmer ground.  In fact, we’re never been more solid. If you’d like, you’re welcome to read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.  I hope something here has helped!

I Live In Fear Of Him Cheating Again Or Having Another Affair.

By: katie lersch: I often hear from wives who live in constant fear that they will have to deal with another round of cheating or yet another affair.  Many times, their husband has repeatedly assured them that they have nothing to worry about and that he’ll never cheat again.  But of course, that’s a hard sell to someone who has already been betrayed once.

In the back of their minds many wives are thinking “yes, and I thought I didn’t have anything to worry about before and yet you cheated on me then.  What’s to stop you from doing it again?  How am I supposed to trust you when you’ve already betrayed me once and I never saw it coming?”

There’s no doubt that restoring the trust can certainly be a challenge.  But living in fear is really no way to live at all.  In the following article, I’ll offer some tips to help you if you’re having constant fear of him cheating again.

Do You Really Believe That He’s Sorry, That’s He’s Rehabilitated And That Your Marriage Can Recover?:  These really are the questions that you must answer.  Because if you can’t very confidently answer yes to these questions, then there’s still work to do because you still have doubts. And the doubts really are the root of all fear.

Now, I realize it’s very difficult (if not impossible not to have doubts.)  But if they are constant and if you don’t know how to respond to them, then they will take over everything else.

And if you have done the work with your husband that necessary for recovery and have strengthened both yourself and your marriage, then frankly, the doubts do not have nearly as much power over you anymore.

Yes, they still come.  But they are much easier to brush off and to quiet because you have laid a new foundation.  If you’ve not yet there, this doesn’t mean that you can’t get there.  It just may mean that you still need some time, need some more assistance, or you need more from him.

If you do not have what you need, sometimes you have to take responsibility for getting it.  Yes, recovery lies mostly on your husband’s shoulders  because he is the one who cheated.  However, he can’t always read your mind or know what you need.  Men aren’t as intuitive as we might like them to be.

And, to be fair, many men tell me that they will ask their wives what they can do to help her and she will rebuke him or tell him that she’s fine when very obviously she is not.

So, it can really help to take a very honest look at where you are in the recovery process and make sure that you have everything you need.  If you have your doubts about his rehabilitation or remorse, then by all means address this.  If you still don’t believe your marriage will survive, then act rather than allowing the doubts to win.

How Confident Are YOU In YOURSELF?:  Please don’t think I’m putting all of the responsibility on you because I’m not.  But, in addition to your beliefs about your husband and your marriage, your belief in yourself can truly make or break your recovery and your confidence after his affair.

I often ask women in this situation what they are so very afraid of that they are living in fear.  They will often say something like “I am desperately afraid that he’ll cheat again.”  To which I’ll often reply “but why?”

And they will hesitate.  Of course they don’t want to go through this again.  No one does.  But at the end of the day, you have to know that you will be just fine no matter what.  You have to have confidence in yourself that, should he betray you again despite your best efforts, you are strong enough to handle it.

I know this may not seem like a good or fair deal – but neither is living in fear.  Because when you are filled with fear and doubt, you can’t really live completely fully.

When you’re so fearful or obsessed about the next affair or the next bout of cheating, you can’t be fully invested in your marriage and your husband will know the difference.  In essence, you could well be bringing about exactly what you don’t want to happen – the failure of your marriage – all because of your fears.

I know that this is difficult, but you don’t deserve to live in fear.  Please do whatever you need to do to make a decision about rebuilding your marriage and yourself.  Because regaining your confidence in your marriage and your own abilities really can help to quiet those doubts.

I did live in fear for a while after my husband’s affair.  But then I decided I was really just sentencing myself to more pain – which I certainly didn’t deserve – so I choose to let that go.  Today, my marriage is stronger than it ever was.  My husband proved himself worthy and I no longer live in that fear.  If it helps, you can read about how I got past the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

How Do You Get Over Your Husband Cheating And Stay Together?

I sometimes hear from wives who are angry at themselves because no matter how much they try, they just can’t seem to “get over” their husband’s affair and move on so that they can have a happy family again.  They will vow to set things aside, but then find that this is easier said than done.

Someone might say, “I have always been very clear on the fact that I wasn’t going to divorce my husband after his affair.  I was angry, but I do not believe in divorce.  I want for my children to grow up with a father, since I didn’t.  So there was never any question as to whether I’d stay. I’m going to.  But I don’t like what our life looks like right now.  I’m always angry.  I’m always suspicious.  I’m always bringing up the affair because I am resentful.  Because of this, my husband becomes angry at me.  So we fight.  And it’s just a cycle of anger.  During one of our fights, my husband asked me if I was ever going to let the affair go and just get over it. He said that he wasn’t sure that we were going to make it if I could not let this be. Believe me, I want to get over it.  I want to set it aside.  But I can’t seem to shake it.  How do I get over it so that we can stay together?”

Why Getting Over An Affair Is More Than A Mental Exercise: If getting over it was nearly a state of mind, it wouldn’t be so hard – or feel so impossible at times.  I know what you are going through.  I can remember waking up in the morning and vowing not to think about or bring up the affair at all that day.  And yet, by lunch, it would totally be on my mind.  I would get frustrated with myself.  But a great therapist told me that recovery from an affair is SO much more than mental and that I was simply asking too much of myself.  Looking back now, I can clearly see that this is 100% true.  Do we ask ourselves to just “get over” other things like illness, accidents, and tragedies?  No, we give ourselves time to grieve.  We give ourselves the tools needed to recover.  But when it comes to an affair, for some reason, we feel as if we don’t need these things or that there should be some exception to this rule.

In my own opinion and experience, you can’t be expected to “get over” the affair until you’ve had the time and tools to do so.  What do I mean by this?  You need to believe that your husband won’t cheat again because he’s rehabilitated, trustworthy, and motivated.  And for most people, this takes time and healing.  Sure, you could attempt to just blindly believe in all of these things, but we all know that when you try, your worrisome thoughts just start to creep back in.  Part of this is that it takes effort and time to restore the trust.  Time has to pass in order for you to see that it’s safe to trust again. You need time to watch your husband’s behaviors and actions.  If you rush any of this, of course you are going to feel doubt.  That’s just natural.

Once You’re Healed, There Is Usually A Day When You Can Make A Conscious Decision To Put This Aside: Yes, once recovery and rehabilitation has taken place, there does come a point where you might wish to make a conscious decision to move on.  I was able to do this and I willingly did so because I was tired to holding onto the suspicions, anger, and negativity that made all of us miserable.  But there is no way that I could have successfully done this UNTIL I knew that healing and rehabilitation had taken place.  At that point, I truly believed that my husband was not going to cheat again because we’d both worked so hard for so long.

If you’re not yet there yet, please don’t beat yourself up.  Just keep doing the work.  Just keep plunging ahead.  If the thoughts come, tell yourself that you will be aware of what is going on, but that you’re going to live your life.  If your husband insists that you just “let it go”, you might address these expectations with something like, “believe me, I would love nothing more than to let it go.  Setting down this pain would feel like freedom and I can’t wait for that day.  But we simply aren’t there yet.  We are too early in this process and healing is not complete.  If we keep on making progress and we are able to restore the trust, then I will absolutely want to let it go because, believe me, it is a heavy weight to carry.  You can make the progress go faster by being supportive, transparent, and responsible.  I’m doing my best and if we both make the effort, I’m confident that we’ll both be able to move on.  But we’re still early in this process and it’s not just a mental decision.  It’s a process of healing that we are only just starting.”

It’s normal for your husband to want you to quickly move on because it minimizes his responsibility and guilt, but that’s just not how real life works and it is asking too much.  Keep having the best attitude that you can muster and keep working toward healing (and asking him to do the same.)  This path will usually lead you to a place where you can CHOSE to let it go.  But not until you’re healed and until it is your choice to willingly make.

Choosing to move on from the affair was very freeing.  But I could not have done this early on.  It took time and work to get to that place of letting go.  But I’ve never regretted it.  There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

My Husband Says He’s So Confused After His Affair. What Does This Mean? What Can I Do About It?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are so frustrated by their husband’s “confusion” after he has been caught cheating or having an affair. Often, the wives expect or hope that he is going to apologize profusely and immediately begin to attempt to make amends. But this isn’t always what happens. Sometimes, the husband doesn’t act because he isn’t sure what he wants in terms of his feelings or his wishes.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband admitted to me that he has been cheating and having an affair with my daughter’s gymnastics coach. Since I really had no suspicions and he had no reason to tell me, I expected that this  meant that he would immediately break it off and make every attempt to save our marriage. Instead, he is telling me that he doesn’t know if he’s going to end his relationship with her. When I ask him if this means our marriage is over, he says he doesn’t know. He insists that he is “so confused” because he has feelings for both of us. He claims that while he ultimately wants to save our marriage, he is not sure if he is ready to let her go because he has genuine feelings for her too. That’s just wonderful for him, but where does it leave me? Do I have to just sit around and wait for him to decide who or what he wants? Am I just supposed to patiently wait for his confusion to fade?  And what is there to be confused about? He made wedding vows to me, not her.” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

A Man’s Confusion Is Often At Its Highest Right After The Affair, But It Will Eventually Wane Once He Walks Away For Good. The Longer The Affair Continues, The More Confusion There Is: I can’t tell how often men attempt to play the confusion card. And quite often, they aren’t completely lying to you. They do feel confused. Because the truth is, if they wanted to end their marriage or they wanted you out of their life, they would have divorced you while they were cheating or before they started being unfaithful. They cheat in secret because they want both relationships. They usually don’t have any intention of ending their marriage, especially in the beginning. But usually the other woman begins applying the pressure to make their relationship more official and lasting. And the intensity of the deception can be mistaken for intense and real feelings. So many men are genuinely confused because they have two women to whom they feel responsible and for whom they have feelings.

But here’s something that they usually do not understand. The more they continue to see or contact this other woman, the longer they are going to be confused. As soon as they truly end it and focus their attention on their wife and their marriage, whatever feelings they think they may have had will usually become clear for what they really are – part of an unrealistic fantasy. He has to convince himself that he feels very strong and real feelings for her. Because if he didn’t, how stupid would he be to risk his marriage for someone he didn’t really know or feel anything for? He may not believe that his feelings will change. But they will. If he is not seeing her and giving the relationship any momentum to keep it going, it will die a natural death.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Is Confused After Cheating Or Having An Affair: Many wives are tempted to offer ultimatums and tell the husband that he must decide between her and the other woman immediately. This is a very tempting ultimatum. But the risk with this is that he will either chose her or he will chose you and be resentful because of it. Or he will mope around thinking that he misses her. Some women will become fed up and tell the husband that the other woman can have him. Some of these women later regret acting so hastily.

To me, the best compromise is to tell your husband that you are willing to work with him after he makes a decision as to who or what he wants, but until then you can’t participate in a marriage that includes three people. When you back off from your marriage, this will often give him an incentive to make the right decision. He may wavier a little bit initially, but once he decides, you will both know that he made his own decision alone without any pressure from you.

You should also know that many men will lose their feelings for the other woman as time goes on. Because now they you know about the affair, that exciting level of secrecy because of a forbidden relationship is gone. So a very important component of their relationship has been taken away. This is sometimes the beginning of the end and it helps the true nature of the relationship to become more clear – that he risked everything for someone who was essentially little more than a stranger.

Once this happens, you will likely find his confusion beginning to wane.  I have to admit that it was me who had most of the confusion in my own marriage.  I just didn’t know if I wanted to put in all the work to rehabilitate a man and a marriage that had been so damaged by infidelity.  In the end, I couldn’t walk away and now I am glad for that because our marriage is actually stronger.  If it helps you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Can Affairs End In Friendship?

I sometimes hear from people who were having an affair and they either know that the affair must end or they are in a situation where it has just ended.  Many still believe that their feelings were at least partly real.  Some want to know if it’s at all possible to maintain the friendship – even if the romantic part of the affair must end.

Someone might say, “I know that this is going to sound selfish, but I’d honestly like to maintain my friendship with the man who I’m having an affair with.  The reason for this is that he’s just become an important part of my life and a comforting source of support.  We work together and I depend on him.  Still, my spouse is getting suspicious and my family is the most important thing to me, so I have decided that I must end the affair.  Is it unrealistic to think that I can keep the friendship?”

Fair warning, what is coming next may not be what you want to hear.  I am not sure how realistic it is to keep the friendship, but I don’t think it’s at all fair.  I hear from so many faithful spouses who are terrified that their spouse will cheat again.  These spouses are fighting so hard to hold their families together.  They are struggling to allow themselves to be vulnerable in order to rebuild the trust.  How do you think that the knowledge that their spouse wants to remain friendly with the other person will affect that process?

I can tell you from experience that it can be very hard for both spouses to recover from an affair.  The faithful spouse struggles with trust and resentment.  The cheating spouse struggles with guilt and with feeling worthy.  So why throw in just one more difficulty (like remaining friends with the other person?)  Doing so is only going to make the faithful spouse more distrusting and the cheating spouse will feel that much more guilty.  This is not a good formula for success.

This is only my opinion, but when you want to remain friends with the other person, you’re looking to have your cake and eat it too.  The temptation is just something that you don’t need.  A good counselor once told me that while you are in affair recovery, you should not do ANYTHING that you would not be comfortable with your spouse knowing about or with your spouse actually seeing you do.  Would you really be comfortable with your spouse seeing you being friendly with the other person?

And let’s flip the scenario. Let’s pretend that you are the faithful spouse and that your partner has cheated on you with a coworker.  The affair is over, but you’re still trying to regain your footing.  You feel extremely betrayed and hurt, but your spouse is wanting to maintain a friendship with the other person.  Would you understand? Would you encourage this?  Or would you be extremely hurt and outraged?  Would you hope that your spouse would see that he or she needs to put your marriage first and put the other person aside? If you are being honest with yourself, any sane person would want for the affair relationship to COMPLETELY end.  This means no friendship or anything that is remotely personal in nature.

I understand that many people are faced with a situation where they have to work with the other person.  Honestly, I’d suggest a transfer or working on another team within the same company.  I know that this sounds dramatic, but most people find it awkward and tempting when they have to continue to work with the other person. It can be very hard to put your marriage first when you are in this situation, but that is exactly what you must do when you want a recovered and healthy marriage.  If none of these arrangements are possible, then the ideal is a professional work relationship, but not a friendly or personal one.

Some of us are friendly with our exes.  This can happen because most of us did not know our spouses during those relationships. Or, if we did, we did not betray our spouses in order to have those relationships.  There is a big difference between the two. When you lie to and betray your spouse in order to be with some else and you have an affair, then that person will need to be off limits going forward in order for your spouse to be able to trust you.  That is just reality.  Yes, it means that you will have to give the other person up, but someone who truly wants to save their marriage should be willing to do this.

Recovery after an affair means truly putting your family, and your spouse, first.  You aren’t doing that when you’re trying to have a “friendship” with your affair. If you are truly putting your spouse first, you are cutting out anything that might hurt your spouse or make them uncomfortable.  Trust me when I say that this friendship falls under that category. It is inappropriate and insensitive.  The easiest and best thing to do is to not pursue it.

If my husband had insisted on having a friendship with his affair, I’d suspect that we would not be together today.  In order for me to even be willing to save our marriage, I needed to see him completely cut off every single aspect of the affair.  There’s more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

What Are Good Questions To Ask My Husband After His Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from women who are just beginning to deal with the aftermath of a husband’s affair. They are often trying to formulate the most appropriate questions that are going to help them determine why their husband cheated, what is the state of their marriage today, and what are the chances that he will cheat again. But many women really don’t know which questions are most likely to get them the answers that they are really looking for.

I recently heard from a wife who said in part: “I found out two weeks ago that my husband had a five week affair. He claims that it is over. And since he is with me during all hours when he is not working, I tend to believe that he isn’t seeing her anymore. But what is less clear is why he did this, what this means for our marriage, and how he really feels about me. I am constantly worrying about how our marriage is going to recover to the point where I can trust him again. In order for me to answer all of these questions, I feel like I need free reign in asking him what I need to know. But when I try to ask him even basic questions, he seems to lose his patience. It’s become clear to me that I have to limit my questions to those things I really want and need to know. So which things are most important for me to ask, especially right now?”

I will try to address this in the following article. But keep in mind that every one is an individual. You may have some questions that feel very important to you to which you need immediate answers. Know that this is valid. It’s not for me to say what should be important to you. However, with that said, there are some questions that seem to be universally important. I will suggest them below.

Can You Pinpoint What Things May Have Lead To The Affair?: This question is very important because you will often find that when you are trying to recover from the affair, restoring the trust is a huge issue. You may well spend a lot of time and emotional energy worrying that he is going to cheat again and, as the result, you will have to go through this whole painful thing all over again.

That’s why it’s very important to understand (at least as best as you can) what may have contributed to his behavior. For example, if he felt like you didn’t care enough to really understand or pay attention to him, then you may hear alarm bells in the future if he exhibits behavior that indicates he’s feeling isolated or misunderstood. Or, if you come to believe that he cheated because he could not resist temptation (despite his love for you) then you’ll want to be extra careful to ensure that he’s not in this type of tempting situation in the future.

How Did You Carry Out Your Cheating?: Your husband may be very reluctant to answer this question. But what you are trying to get at here is what methods he used to deceive you. Did he have a secret email account? Did he have a dummy cell phone only for the other woman’s use? Did he have his fiends lie to you? Did he tell you he was engaging in a fake hobby like working out while he was seeing the other person? You need to know this because if he were to cheat again, this information would help to tell you that something is going on much earlier in the process. In short, you need to know what patterns and behaviors to look for. More than that, the absence of the same can give you confidence that he is being faithful in the future as you rebuild.

What Do You Want To Happen With Our Marriage? Are You Really Committed To Me? This question is important because it will tell you if your marriage is worth fighting for. Also, if he is fully committed to you and the marriage, he is going to be much more willing to do whatever he needs to do to be fully rehabilitated so that your marriage not only survives, it thrives. I believe that you can save your marriage when your husband has questions or doubts about your marriage, but it is much more difficult, although certainly not impossible.

What Are You Going To Do To Rehabilitate Our Marriage And Restore My Trust? I actually think that his is the most important question of all. The biggest problem that I see for many couples after the affair is that they are both waiting for the other person to take charge. And, when this doesn’t happen, they sort of flounder along and wonder why things aren’t getting better. Then they start to wonder if things aren’t getting better because their marriage is doomed, or the affair damaged it too much, or their spouse doesn’t care enough to take the initiative. That’s why I strongly suggest that you ask your spouse to outline his plan. If he doesn’t have one, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. But it doesn’t negate the fact that having a plan will make your recovery easier. So if he hasn’t defined a plan, ask him if you can work together to decide what you both need and want in order to move forward. As awkward as this conversation can be, it is so much better than floundering.

How Do You Feel About Me Today? How Do You Envision Yourself Feeling About Me In Six Months? The question that most wives will ask is “do you still love me after your affair?” Many husbands still do. But this really is a loaded question. Because when the husband says that yes, he loves her, the wife will immediately respond with something like: “well, if you love me so much, then why did you cheat on me?” It’s actually better to ask him how feels about you on this day. Because this day is what matters the most. Obviously, days in the recent past were not the best for either of you, so let’s focus on today. Let’s see how he feels right now. And, if he isn’t sure about that answer, then ask him what he might envision feeling six months from now. Because after an affair, the future can be more important than today. People rarely have the best of times in the aftermath of an affair. But that’s doesn’t mean that there aren’t better days ahead.

I have to admit that I bombarded my husband with questions after his affair. And he quickly lost patience. Eventually I learned how to ask the right questions at the right time and this made quite a difference in our ability to save our marriage. If it helps you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

What Percentage Of People Stay Married After One Of Them Has An Affair?

by: katie lersch: I often hear from people who are trying to determine how badly the odds are stacked against them and their marriage after their spouse has had an affair.   And, this is a concern that both husbands and wives share.  Anyone can be on the wrong end of their spouse’s affair and yet be still trying to save their marriage in the aftermath of it.  And many want to know just what they are up against and if they are fighting a losing battle.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “I really do want to stay married even though I just recently found out about my husband’s affair.  But every day, I feel anger and rage that feels so foreign to me.  Every day, the awkwardness and the coldness in our marriage becomes more and more evident.  I have friends who are still married five years after the husband’s infidelity and they seem reasonably content.  But I wonder if they beat the odds because this affair has brought up so many resentments and doubts in me.  I don’t know if I will be able to overcome these things.  What’s the percentage of couples who stay married after one of them cheats and has an affair?  And how can I make sure that I beat the odds?”  I’ll address these things in the following article.

The Percentage Of  Couples Remaining Married After An Affair Might Be Higher Than You Think: The woman in the above scenario confessed that she assumed that the majority of couples who face infidelity end up divorced. Statistics show that this just isn’t the case.  Although the numbers vary, most studies and surveys indicate that the percentage of people who stay married after an affair is around 75 – 80 percent (with around 20 – 25 percent of couples eventually divorcing because they just couldn’t over come the affair.) I suspect that there are many factors that go into which couples make it and which don’t such as the length of the affair, the determination and commitment of the people involved, and the tools or help that the married couple had access to.

Although you might find these numbers surprising or even encouraging, I would argue that these statistics don’t tell you everything.  There are many reasons that people stay together after an affair.  Sometimes, it is because they still love and are committed to their spouse. But, other times, it’s out a sense of obligation, due to finances, or because the marriage has just become a comfortable habit that feels familiar.  Honestly, I think there’s another question here that is equally important – which leads me to my next point.

A More Important Statistic Might Be How Many People Remain Married After An Affair And Are Truly Happy.  How Many Are Able To Restore The Happiness And Fulfillment In Their Marriage?: The wife in this scenario was most concerned about remaining married.  But frankly, this is only half the battle.  We all know couples who stuck it out after an affair but who were never truly happy again because they just weren’t able to recover.  Many of us know the couple who insist on staying together but who also remain miserable and bitter.  To me, staying married but remaining unhappy isn’t really a victory at all.  It’s my opinion that it only makes sense to fight for your marriage after an affair if you can ensure that they same marriage is rebuilt so that it’s a marriage that’s actually worth fighting for.

I know for certain this is possible because of my own experience.  But many people worry more about staying married at all costs while not worrying nearly as much if they are staying in and rebuilding a happy marriage.  I think that many people do not realize just how bad things can be when you are stuck in a marriage where it’s clear that neither spouse is particularly happy to be there.  I have a friend who will openly admit that her marriage is this way and the tension and negative feelings between she and her husband are extremely obvious and uncomfortable to anyone who spends time with them.   It’s as if she can’t stop punishing him and he seems to feels so guilty that he thinks that this is his lot in life.  Neither of them seem to believe that things could ever possibly be better.  And neither of them are willing to be the one to initiate or ask for a change.  So it’s quite possible that they will continue to go through life married but unhappy.

Ensuring That You Rebuild A Marriage That Is Worth Staying In After The Affair: So now that we’ve established that it’s not all that rare to stay married, let’s talk about how to make sure you’re not staying in an unhappy marriage.  Many people assume that staying means that you’re accepting a damaged marriage that is destined to just limp along.  But it truly is possible to rebuild a different and sometimes stronger and better marriage.  Yes, this requires you to do some in depth work on both yourself and your marriage.  But what you put into it will often be worth it in the long run. It’s better than remaining unhappy.   Your spouse’s affair should not be something that you have to deal with for the rest of your married life.  You can work through it.

Staying married after an affair should be something that you want to do not because you feel obligated or stuck but because of your love for your spouse and the fact that you are able to return your marriage to something that is a source and happiness and fulfillment for both of you. If you’re having trouble rebuilding after the affair, I highly recommend the free “Break Free From the Affair” ecourse on the side of this blog.  I know that trying to stay married after an affair can very challenging and painful, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

How Can A Man Who Loves His Wife Have An Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are really struggling with the reality that their husband has had an affair. Often, the hardest part for them is not the betrayal itself, but the circumstances that preceded the betrayal. Many of these wives are so confused because they had good marriages and loving husbands. In fact, many believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that these same loving husbands would never cheat. And, many of these wives will admit that they suspect that their husband still loves them, even after his cheating. That’s why his cheating can be so horribly confusing.

I heard from a wife who said: “there is no doubt in my mind that my husband loved me during his affair and I fully believe that he loves me now. That’s why I simply can’t wrap my brain around why he would cheat on me. I admit that our lives were stressful when I was undergoing treatment for severe medical issues. But my husband was so loving and supportive during that time that I never would have suspected that he was caring for me in the evenings and then having an affair with his coworker during the day. How could he know that I was home sick and still carry out what he did? How could he love and worry about me and then sleep with someone else? How can a man who truly loves his wife cheat on her?”  I will try to answer these questions in the following article.

Often, A Husband’s Affair Doesn’t Have Anything Whatsoever To Do With His Love For His Wife: There are many types of affairs. We all know of or have even heard from the husband who will claim he cheated or had an affair because his wife just didn’t understand or appreciate him. Or, he’ll say that his wife had let herself go or had changed, so as a result, he fell out of love with her and had an affair with someone else.  In fact, that is so common an excuse that many people will just assume that a cheating husband no longer loves his wife. This is most certainly not true in every case. A good number of cheating men actually love, adore, and lust after their wives. Men who have good and active sex lives cheat. Men who could not ever imagine their lives without their wives still cheat. Men who look their wives right in the face and truthfully declare their undying love cheat on those same wives. Why? Because sometimes the cheating and the love have nothing to do with one another.

If Men Don’t Cheat Because They No Longer Love Their Wives, Then Why Do They Cheat?: There isn’t one answer to this question. But, if I had to simplify it, my answer would be to provide a diversion or relief from some problem or issue that is usually completely separate from their marriage. Sometimes, they cheat in times of stress during which they feel powerless. In the above scenario, the wife’s health issues had been very stressful on both she and her husband. By no means am I using this to defend her husband’s actions. But, for whatever reason, it is very common for men to cheat during times when they under a high amount of stress like an illness, a job loss, or a period of feeling helpless. During such times, the cheating is in response to the stress and is an attempt to make the man feel less helpless or worthless. It doesn’t have anything to do with his love for his wife, which is still very much in tact. In fact, sometimes part of the frustration comes with loving your wife and with feeling powerless to help her like with the above situation.

Another thing you’ll often hear is the husband say is that he didn’t feel that he was “good enough” or “worthy” of someone like his wife so he sabotaged his relationship because, again he was struggling with those feelings of being worthless.

If Your Loving Husband Cheated Or Had An Affair, Where Does That Leave You?: Most likely, you will have a choice to make. There are times when wives in this situation will begin to doubt their husband’s love for them, even when there is that little voice in the back of their head that says things like: “but remember that time when he stayed up with you all night when you couldn’t sleep?” Or “remember how he looks at you? How can he fake that?”

It’s very difficult to juggle the knowledge that he has done very loving things and acted in loving ways and yet he has committed an act that betrays that love. And yet, among all the confusion, there’s still a choice to make. You’ll ultimately need to decide if that same love is enough. You’ll need to ask yourself if the remaining love is enough for you to try to rehabilitate your marriage and work through whatever personal issues may have lead up to his cheating.

That is not a decision that anyone can make but you. Some women will look at both the man and the marriage over the course of many years and decide that the good things that he has done outweigh that one bad decision. And others will decide that no matter how much they love their husband or he loves them, cheating is just not something that they will ever overcome.

I know it is a difficult decision, but I hope this article has shed a little light on how it’s possible for a man who loves his wife to make a very huge mistake and to cheat.

I actually never doubted my husband’s love for me after his affair.  I knew he loved me before, during and after it.  The question really was if that love was enough to pull us through.  In the end, it took more than love.  It took a lot of work, determination and skill.  But we made it.  If it helps, you can read all about it on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Can You Be In Love If The Affair Is Only Emotional?

I sometimes hear from people who admit to an inappropriate relationship that has not yet become physical. This can be very confusing because it can feel like you are cheating when, technically, you are not (at least physically.) Many people in this situation admit to having very deep feelings that can certainly seem 100% real. Some even believe that they are “in love” with the other person, but they can wonder if this is even possible when the relationship is not a physical one.

Someone might confess, “I know that this is going to sound stupid, but I feel like I’m cheating on my husband when I’m actually not, at least technically. Still, I am pretty sure that I am in love with a coworker. I’ve been working with this person for five years, but our relationship changed about a year ago when we got partnered together at work. We had to navigate a very stressful situation and we came to lean on one another. We spend a lot of time together and have had some very interesting and intimate conversations. I feel strongly that this person knows me much better than my own husband. More and more, I no longer talk about this man around my husband because I just feel that it is not right to do so. My boss has been talking about separating us and giving us new partners and it was then that I realized that I’m in love with this guy because the thought of not seeing him every day is almost more than I can bear. My best friend says that this is an emotional affair, but I’m not sure if it is because I don’t know if he feels the same way. I know that I am very important to him and I know that he does not want to end our work partnership, but I’m not sure if the romantic feelings are there on his end. When I told my friend that I was in love with this person, she said that this was ridiculous since we’ve never even held hands, much less kissed or had sex. She said he’s only an emotional crutch and that I need to end this before it ruins four lives. I know that the other man would never leave his wife. He is too invested in his children. But I do love him. Weirdly, I still believe that I also love my husband. Is my friend right? Can it not be love if it’s just emotional and not physical?”

I don’t doubt that it can feel like very intimate love. And honestly, I don’t think that it really matters how you define it. I don’t think it matters one bit whether you call it love or something else. I think what truly matters is how you proceed right now. Because at this time, you aren’t yet at the point of no return. Yes, you know deep down in your heart that this relationship is wrong and has become too close for comfort. But as of now, this hasn’t crossed that threshold of being a full blown, physical affair where you’re having sex with someone else. Take it from me when I say that this is an extremely difficult thing to recover from.

I know that it will be painful, but I don’t think it would be a bad idea to allow the work transfer to happen. I am not sure what good would come out of continuing to work with someone with whom you believe that you are in love. At worst, you will cross the line and physically cheat. At best, you will get into this deeper and deeper so that it will only hurt more when it ends. If you still love your husband and are committed to your marriage, then the best thing that you can do is to end the other relationship. Yes, you think that you love the other man, but there is another man who you also love – the man to whom you made a commitment and to whom you are married.

Since you seem certain that the other man won’t leave his wife and that you love your husband, there is really no upside to continuing with this work relationship. I know that you will miss the emotional support and connection, but you are better off seeking that from your spouse anyway. It might be a little easier if you tried to envision your spouse in the situation that you are now in. If your husband was working with someone with whom he thought he was in love, would you want for him to continue on or to end it, to come back to you, and to invest in your marriage? I think that if you honestly answer those questions, your path might be a little more clear. I applaud you for seeing the danger in this situation. Many people don’t actually stop to evaluate until the affair has become physical and the damage has already been done. You have the power to stop this before it could irretrievably damage your marriage.

My husband’s affair was physical and although it was a difficult process, we did recover. You can read more about that at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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