A Letter To The Husband That Is About To Cheat

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives indicate that they have a strong feeling that their husband is tempted to cheat on them. Maybe he has admitted to having feelings for another woman. Maybe the wife has eyes and she can see a very inappropriate relationship forming. Or maybe the husband is honest and tells her that he is not happy in the marriage and that if things don’t improve, he is going to get his needs met elsewhere.

These wives often want to do something to minimize their husband’s risk of cheating. But they find that talking to him about this isn’t very effective. Either he denies it or an argument ensues and therefore nothing is resolved. Because of this inefficiency, the wife may opt to write a letter or send a card to try to “ward off” the cheating. But, understandably, she isn’t always sure quite what to say or which words might be effective.

She might ask: “This is going to sound like I am being paranoid, but I honestly think that my husband is getting ready to cheat on me. He has been getting increasingly closer to a female coworker while he has also been getting decreasingly close to me. For the last several weeks, he has started talking about how he thinks it might be better if we separated for a while. Last night, this all made sense to me because my husband came home and announced that he will be attending a week-long seminar for his job. And, you guessed it, the female coworker is going also. I believe that my husband is considering cheating on me during this trip. I also believe that I have to stop this at all costs. Our marriage is already in serious trouble. But if we add infidelity into the mix, then it’s going to be even worse. I am thinking that I will leave a letter in his briefcase. But what should it say? I can’t very well come out and accuse him of planning to cheat.”

I can offer some suggestions about what to put in a letter, but honestly, I think that the most effective strategy would be to try to make it very difficult for your husband to carry out the cheating. I have no idea if it’s possible for you to make the trip with your husband. But if that were at all feasible, your presence would make infidelity very difficult. And you may even be able to use the time to reconnect with him rather than spending a week worrying if he was going to cheat. I know that some would say that you can’t police your husband forever and you should trust him enough that you don’t need to tag along everywhere. In calm marital waters, I would agree. But these are not calm times. These are difficult times. And I believe that the wife is right that if an affair happens, then it’s going to be a lot harder to right the marriage again. Sure, it can be done. I’ve done it as have many other couples. But I can tell you with 100% percent accuracy that avoiding it altogether is the better option. Why put your marriage through that if you don’t have to? That’s why I think that the best play is going along on the trip if it is at all possible.

If that is not possible, then I would certainly call and text regularly to remind him of what is back home. The letter should also tread carefully. You might acknowledge that things have not been all that great between you, but then stress that despite this, you are still committed to healing the marriage and you hope that he is too. You might state that most marriages face challenges and yours is no different.  You allude to the fact that challenges can strengthen you in the end, so long as you band together, face those challenges together, and do not let PEOPLE or things come between you. Most spouses can read between the lines here and know what you are alluding to. I don’t think that you have to come right and say: “I feel like you’re going to cheat on me and I’m begging or threatening you not to.” For some men, that would almost be a threat, which in turn would be an invitation. The last thing you want to do is to motivate him to do exactly what you are asking him not to do – which is why I think it’s best to talk in general terms and to just stress that you are committed to making things better and you hope that he is too.

The implications of this letter (with the trip approaching) should be fairly obvious so that you don’t need to get accusatory and pretty much allude to the fact that he may be a potential cheater. With this so tricky, I really do think it’s best to tag along if you can at all swing it. If not, I’d check in regularly – while being careful to not appear overbearing, of course. Do it under the premise that you really miss him and just want to check in. A letter can certainly help his mind set, but you have to understand that her presence will be there all of the time whereas your letter may only be in his head for a short time (while he’s actually holding it or thinking of it.) That’s why your presence needs to be felt as well. If you can’t be there physically, then try to check in with your presence.

I think that it is very smart of you to be so proactive.  I was not proactive in my own marriage and as a result, my husband did cheat with a coworker while out of town.  So I know first hand what a dangerous situation this is.  Our marriage eventually made it.  But the smartest thing would have been to avoid the infidelity in the first place.   You can  read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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