Believing That Your Spouse Is Still Sexually Attracted To Your After His Affair: Tips That Might Help

By: Katie Lersch: It’s no great mystery as to why women whose husbands have cheated can lose sexual confidence. To put it bluntly, your husband has had sex with someone else. So it’s perfectly natural to wonder if this action was at least partly motivated by the fact that he doesn’t find sex with you enjoyable or fulfilling enough. And this is true from women from all walks of life. Even beautiful and confident women have these worries.

A wife might explain: “I don’t want my sex life to wither and die even though my husband had an affair. I worry if I don’t have sex with him, he’s just going to be tempted to go right back out and cheat again even though he swears that the affair was not about sex at all. So, I do it and I do it fairly regularly. But, I am in emotional pain all through out it. Sometimes, I look at my husband and he appears to be into it and he looks like he enjoys himself. And I know that this should make me feel better. But then I start to think well maybe my husband would enjoy it with anyone at all. Maybe he just needs a warm body to be happy and to get a release and that is all. And maybe he is even thinking of someone else while we are having sex. The other woman, perhaps? Or maybe all along he has been fantasizing about other women – beautiful women who look better than me. If I’m being honest, I’m no slouch in the looks department. I mean, I am pretty for my age. People tell me this all of the time. I keep myself fit. I take care of my skin. I have a nice smile. And my husband has never complained about sex with me and has always seemed enthusiastic about it. But I just can’t have sex with him without thinking that he is turned on only because he is tuned out and thinking of someone else or putting himself someplace else with his thoughts. I don’t dare ask him about this because if he were to confirm my suspicions, it would devastate me and I don’t know how I could get over it.”

I feel this deeply. I understand your feelings. They are very common. But they are possibly incorrect. Because you are likely projecting your fears onto the situation. You may be completely wrong about what your husband is feeling. He may be completely into it and enjoying himself immensely, but you don’t see that because you’re afraid and not feeling so good about yourself.

He Is Likely Worried Too: It may make you feel better to know that I hear from a lot of men in this situation and many of them tell me that they are every bit as worried about the sex as you are. They are not worried about themselves  and their enjoyment level – because they are enjoying it. But they are worried about whether you are enjoying it. And they are worried if you are doing it freely because you want to or because you just feel pressured. And they sometimes hold back on their enthusiasm because of this. They are afraid you will see them really getting into it and you will think that – like you said – they could basically have sex with anyone, with any type of woman or any body type and get what they need out of it. This isn’t true, but they are worried that this is what you are thinking.

You May Be Completely Wrong And He Could Be Enjoying Every Precious Second: I tell you this because I want for you to see that your assumptions aren’t always correct and I want for you to see that he could be every bit as worried about this as you are. Because frankly, a lot of the time, a remorseful husband is actually more into sex. And the reason is because now there is the threat of losing you. Now he knows exactly what he has and is he is aware that the risk he’s put on his marriage.

Don’t Drag Your Baggage Into Your Bedroom: Here’s one more thing to consider. You could very well be taking your fears with you into the bedroom. Do you know what men find sexier than anything else? A woman is who isn’t afraid to take what she wants and enjoy herself. A woman who is an active participant in sex. If your fears are keeping you from this, you should know that it’s not your appearance, your body, or your sexiness level that might be holding you back. It is your inability to engage because you are afraid.

That is why I strongly encourage you to give yourself permission to do any and everything to raise your self esteem and to give you to groove back. This means different things to different women. Some of us focus on our appearance. Some focus on our body image. Some really seek out those things that make us feel good about ourselves. And some focus on our marriage knowing that our healthy body image will eventually return once our marriage gets on track. You can do any combination of these things or anything that appeals to you as long as you actively work on restoring your confidence.

Please remember that nothing about you has changed. You are every bit as beautiful and sexy as you were the day before you were aware of this. What has changed is how you connect your self image to the affair. And that is what you should focus on changing right now.

I struggled with this too – for quite a while in fact.  But then I realized that sex is vital to a pleasurable life and a sound marriage.  And I realized that I deserved this in my life.  So I educated myself on intimacy and I gave myself permission to participate in self care that would restore my confidence.  You can read more on my blog at

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