Does My Husband Think Of The Other Woman When We Have Sex?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who can’t help but wonder if their husband is still thinking about the woman with whom he cheated and had an affair, especially during intimate times, like having sex.  Intimacy and sex can be difficult enough after infidelity, but wondering about him thinking of the other woman can make it worse.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated with one of his customers.  He told me about it and couldn’t apologize enough.  He begged me to give him another chance and has promised that he will show me that he can be a good and faithful husband.  I still love him and we have children together, so I am giving him that chance.  For the most part, we are doing OK.  But sex is interesting.  Because honestly, it’s a little better than it was than before the infidelity.  He is a lot more enthusiastic during it.  So this makes me wonder if he is thinking about the other woman when we make love.  I have asked him about this and he has denied it.  But I don’t believe him.  So what is the truth?  Do men think about the other woman when having sex with their wife? And does this mean that he still has feelings for her or that he is going to cheat with her all over again?”  I’m going to answer this as best as I can in the following article.

I’m not going to lie to you.  Yes, men sometimes do think of the other woman when having sex with their wives.  But they aren’t always thinking of her longingly or getting turned on by these thoughts.   Sometimes, when he thinks of her, he feels regret because he realizes just how badly he has messed up and just how much he has hurt two different people with his poor decision making and lack of impulse control.

And yes, some men will actually think about previous sexual encounters with the other woman when they are with their wife, but they often are not doing this on purpose and they regret it when it happens.  Frankly speaking, they can not control the thoughts that pop into their head and this doesn’t mean that they still want the other woman or intend to pursue her once again.

I think that it’s fair to say that all of us have had times when images of other people come into our mind when we are interacting with our spouse. Sometimes it’s a celebrity or an old boyfriend or even a coworker.  Often, we are embarrassed or confused about this but we can’t control the thoughts that pop into our heads either.  And as long as we don’t act on this or use it to withdrawal from our spouse, I don’t think that it’s harmful, especially since we can’t help it.

The More You Heal And The More Time That Passes, The Less That This Is Going To Happen:  This situation was still quite fresh for this couple.  Frankly, I had no idea what this husband might have been thinking about during intimacy, but I didn’t find it strange that the husband was more enthusiastic.  Often, people are very relieved that they have been given another chance, so yes, they are very turned on during sex.  Because they know just how close they came to losing their spouse and to never having sex with them again.

If the husband was denying these thoughts, then I felt that it was a good idea for the wife to trust his claims and to just continue on but to also be aware.  Quite honestly, the longer amount of time that passes between your healing and the affair, the less likely it is for the thoughts and memories to continue on.

It was my opinion that the best thing that the wife could do right now was to continue to try to heal her marriage and to give her husband the benefit of the doubt, unless he gave her a reason not to.  She admitted that her husband hadn’t acted strangely and was, for the most part, attentive and loving.  So it made sense to continue on as they had been.  While it was possible that he thought of the other woman from time to time, these thoughts and feeling should continue to fade, especially as healing continues to occur.

But to answer the question posed, it can a mistake to assume that your husband is thinking of the other woman every time you have sex.  I’m not saying that this isn’t possible because it is.  But him having thoughts popping into his head can be normal and it doesn’t mean that he still desires the other woman or has any intention of going back to her.

At this point, the husband had been doing exactly what he had promised.  He was being attentive, remorseful, and loving.  So until that changed, I felt that the wife should try very hard not to dwell on this.  Because once you completely strengthen and heal your own marriage and a good deal of time has passed, then you shouldn’t have to worry about her anymore.

I will admit that this was a worry of mine in the early stages of my healing.  In fact, for a while, it made me want to avoid sex.  But over time, these fears receded because my husband had proven with his actions that what he said was true.  And with time, that made a huge difference.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery process on my blog

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