Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s somewhat normal for a spouse who has just been caught cheating to try to divert the attention away from their actions by any means possible. They will try in vain to justify their behavior in any number of ways, like trying to make excuses, trying to point out the flaws in their marriage, and trying to find evidence of wrongdoing by the faithful spouse.

I might hear a comment like: “I caught my husband cheating on me with a woman that we both went to high school with. Their communications behind my back started on facebook. I knew that he was in touch with her. I was in touch with her also. But I had no idea that it had crossed the line until the other woman called me and indicated that she had developed serious feelings for my husband. I was absolutely stunned and I confronted him. At first, he tried to make light of the situation and to say that they were just harmlessly flirting with one another. But then I started asking him about times when he met with her without my knowing and the truth started to come out. He finally admitted to cheating and said that he will defriend her and that he will end all contact. Of course, I’m not happy with the situation, but it is a start. I figured that soon, we would begin the process of counseling and trying to rebuild. Well, I got home from work and found my husband on my computer and reading my emails. He said that he logged into my facebook account and saw that I was emailing another male classmate without my telling him. This is true. I didn’t mention that to him. But that’s because there was nothing to tell him. It was not inappropriate. It was run of the mill conversations about both of our families and careers. Now, my husband is snooping through my phone, emails and personal effects trying to find evidence of wrong doing. This infuriates me. None of this is about me. It is about him. I am not the cheater. He is. I have done nothing at all wrong. And if he thinks I’m going to accept him spying on me because of his behavior, then he is wrong.”

I completely understand how you feel. And I believe that you are absolutely right. But I have to tell you that what you are experiencing is very common. Cheating husbands start snooping for a couple of reasons. First, as you suspected, they are trying to see if they can find any questionable behavior perhaps in order to alleviate their own guilt. Or, he may be wanting to see if you are telling any of your friends or loved ones about his affair and what you are saying about it. This is his way of gaging your feelings instead of asking you outright. Finally, he may be trying to see if you are going to cheat on him in retaliation.

None of this makes his behavior right or justified. And you have every right to have a conversation with him about this. I believe that it’s better to try to handle this calmly and right in the beginning rather than allowing it to become a bigger issue than it needs to be – especially when you are already dealing with so much.

You might try something like: “you are not going to find anything inappropriate in any of my accounts or on my phone. And I am not OK with your going through my things – especially when we are dealing with an issue that is about you and not about me. If you have any questions for me about any of the people that I correspond with, then ask away. But I do not have anything to hide from you. And I am not going to allow you to try to flip this into being about me when what we are truly dealing with is your affair. None of this is going to divert my attention and interest away from that. In fact, all you are doing is adding more tension to an already difficult situation. So please do not do that again and let’s get back to the matter at hand. Now, let’s talk about scheduling counseling.”

Notice that after you’ve stated your objection, I’ve suggested that you immediately bring the conversation back to something else to focus on – the counseling. Because you don’t need to make this a big argument that derails you from the healing that you have already planned for. Just let him know that this isn’t acceptable to you, make sure it is clear that you want him to stop, and then try to divert right back to dealing with his affair – which is where the attention should be.

By telling you that this is common, I am not trying to defend him. He needs to understand that you aren’t going to allow this. But, he is certainly not the first man who has tried this strategy or suddenly felt paranoid enough to start checking for retaliation.

As annoying and infuriating as it is, it’s not uncommon for cheating husbands to become paranoid that their wife is plotting something against them.  They will often drop this when it becomes clear that they are just wasting their time and delaying your healing – which is the most important thing. You can read more about my experience on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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