Many people assume that men who cheat on their wives no longer love that same wife.  They often assume that he is no longer interested in the marriage or in living with her.  Believe it or not, this isn’t usually the case.  Regardless of what men promise to the other woman, many of them don’t have any intention of their wife every finding out.  More than that, they often don’t ever intend to leave their wife or end their marriage.  People often ask me how this is possible.  I’ll try to explain this in more detail below.

He May Be Trying To Work Out An Issue That Has Nothing To Do With You Or Your Marriage:  I know that the previous statement might sound crazy to you, but please hear me out.  When I dialog with men about this topic on my blog, it becomes very clear that most of them are not cheating because of a lack of love for or commitment to their wife.  Most of them are cheating as a means of escape.  Most of them are going through some sort of personal crisis.  Many go through this during mid life or after some sort of loss.  They are looking to improve their self esteem or to find their place.  They aren’t only thinking of the present time, not about the future or about what their actions might cause.  So, many of them aren’t thinking about leaving their wives.  They aren’t even thinking about next week.  They are just living in the moment and trying to address their identity crisis in order to feel momentarily better.

Should You Force Him To Get Out?:  Many wives are annoyed that he doesn’t just move out.  Some ask me if they should kick him out.  I felt that this question was a bit premature with this wife because she hadn’t even confronted him about having the affair.  It can be helpful to see his reaction and his level of remorse.  And sometimes, you need time to evaluate what you want to happen.  Some wives are very clear that they want nothing further to do with him.  And sometimes, because of an extensive shared history or because of children, some wives don’t want to make rushed or snap decisions.

It is quite possible that he has no intention of ending your marriage unless you force him to do so.  And, you probably aren’t going to know what his intentions are unless you confront him about the affair and ask him.   It’s not at all uncommon for a man to suddenly change his feelings about the other woman once his marriage is on the line.  Sometimes, once he realizes that he has placed his marriage in jeopardy, suddenly the fantasy is over and reality comes crashing down.  When this happens, then it is up to you how you want to respond.  It really depends on how you view him and the marriage and how likely you think rehabilitation is going to be.

So to answer the question posed, man often doesn’t leave his wife when he’s having an affair because he is only living for the moment.  Most men don’t have any intention of leaving their wives in the short or even in the long term.  Frankly, he is often so confused at this point that he has no idea what he wants.  But he isn’t likely to be making long term plans at a time when his life is in flux or when he is grappling with his own identity.  Many women feel that he’s not leaving because he wants a relationship with both women or because it’s too expensive or painful to get a divorce.  These aren’t the only possibilities.  Others are that he is still invested in his marriage or he’s confused and unsure about what he wants for the future to hold for him.

My husband didn’t leave me while he was having an affair.  I’m sure in his own mind, he thought I wouldn’t find out.  But of course, I did find out.  In the end, although we did spend some time apart, we didn’t separate or divorce.  My children and my family were just too important to me.  And he was willing to do what I needed for him to do in order to help me heal.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

I believe that both spouses are right in their own mind.  I also know that whether infidelity is emotional or physical in nature, it is still a betrayal and it still hurts the innocent party and the marriage.  Recovery and healing is still going to be necessary regardless.   I will discuss this more below.

Emotional Infidelity Feels Like A Betrayal Of The Heart:  Men often do not think of it this way, but women know that the thing that makes the marital relationship different from all others is the emotional connection.  Every one has been physically attracted to other people before they met their spouse, and yet, they ended up married to their spouse because the emotional connection was stronger than it had been with any one else.  That is what makes your relationship so special.  That is what makes you soul mates.  You feel as if your spouse understands you better than any one else and vice verse.

Why your spouse seems to feel this way about someone else, it can be a dagger through your heart.  It can make you feel as if you were wrong about your connection all along.  It can make you wonder if your feelings were just one sided.   Many wives tell me that they worry that their husband actually wants the other woman more because he has not yet been able to sleep with her.  Since he can’t have her in that way, the wife worries, he wants her that much more.   And this can be a devastating thought.  Anyone who tells you that an emotional affair is in some way less serious than a physical one just does not understand this.

With A Physical Affair, There Are Horrible Mental Images And Self Esteem Issues To Deal With:  On the flip side of the coin, a physical affair has its own set of problems.  Even if you believe that the relationship was only based on sex, you still know that there were probably strong physical desires.  And this can give you horrible mental images that you must overcome.  This can affect your self esteem and your sexual confidence.  It is certainly no walk in the park, even when you compare it with an emotional affair.

The Bottom Line:  To me the bottom line is this, both types of infidelity are still cheating.  Both types hurt.  Both types cause devastating damage.  Which is worse depends upon who you ask.  Neither are an easy thing.  And personally, I don’t think that one is easier than the other.  I dealt with physical cheating.  And the mental images were so painful.  Never did I say to myself “well at least there wasn’t an emotional attachment.”   And I hear from plenty of women on my blog who are dealing with emotional cheating.  These women rarely focus on the lack of the physical betrayal.  They are struggling just the same.

So don’t let anyone tell you that you should be having an easier time.  Both are very difficult and require healing and rehabilitation. Both have their own sets of challenges.  But it’s my belief that these things can be overcome with patience and determination.  I got through this and you can too.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

I heard from a woman who said: “when we were in counseling the other day, my husband admitted that something was bothering him. So the counselor pressed him to just be honest. Eventually, he admitted that he had a lot of guilt and remorse that he just abruptly broke things off with the other woman once I found out about the affair. He said it seems unfair that she got no real justification or closure. And he knows that it is inappropriate for him to offer that to her now. He says that he feels as if he just wasted her time and caused every one pain. I don’t know how to respond to this. But I am seriously annoyed that he’s still worried about her. What about my feelings? What about the pain he caused me? Sometimes, I feel as if they deserve each other and that she can have him. Will things get better? Because I am just so angry right now.”

It is my experience that things will get better. And the issue of his concern about the other woman is a common one. There are a couple of different ways that you can look at this, which I’ll discuss below.

Would It Better If He Could Be So Lacking In Emotion That He Could Coldly Walk Away?: I have to admit that I myself have grappled with this question. And my answer depends on the day that you ask me. On the one hand, many wives wouldn’t want to be married to a man who would care so little about another human being with whom he shared at least something that he could just walk away without a second thought.

On the other hand, we wives would like it very much if he could erase any memory or any feeling for her. We wish she would mean nothing to his past, present or future. Some of us would even admit to wishing that he had negative feelings for her rather than guilt feelings toward her. So, I can really see both arguments quite clearly. I think that at the end of the day, when I am calm and not thinking emotionally, I have more respect for a person who is concerned about the feelings and well being of others. However, with that said, I am also very clear on the fact that any residual feelings or concerns are best left unexpressed, which leads me to my next point.

His Concern Should Not Lead Him To Communicate With Her: I think that this is really the most important point with regards to this whole topic. You (and he to a certain extent) can not control what he is feeling. But he can control what he does in response to these feelings. The counselor and the wife in the above example were both adamant that the husband not act on his guilt or his remorse.

Reaching out to the other woman to apologize wasn’t going to help anyone. It would only cause more confusion and pain. It might give the other woman hope when really, there should not be any. It would only delay the healing. And frankly, although I know without any doubt that any party in this scenario can become hurt, any woman who is cheating with a married man has to know that there are risks. I’m not saying that any one deserves to be hurt here. But I am saying that the wife (who is the innocent party) is the one who least deserves to be hurt. And she should not have to sit in a counselors office and hear her husband go on about his concern for the other woman, even if this is an admirable human trait otherwise.

What To Take Away From This: To me the bottom line is this. If you can make it clear to your husband that now is the time to move on and that any contact is inappropriate, in time, his concerns will wane. Typically it takes a good deal of time for the immediacy of the situation to begin to wear off. The feelings tend to lose their intensity the longer that the affair is over. So in time, you will notice him let this go and you will likely stop hearing about this.

As unfortunate as this issue is, it is also very common. And it is just one of those issues that you have to work through by being very clear and honest. The good news is that you can work through this, just like you can work through the other issues that go hand in hand with infidelity.  I know that this is annoying and frustrating, but try to take each day as it comes and strive to make little improvements each day, even if those improvements only relate to yourself.  I know this is difficult, but it does get better.  If it helps, you can read about my experiences with this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Believe it or not, I could identify with this wife.  Although I was the faithful spouse, I do remember the beaten look on my husband’s face when I used to throw the affair back up into his face after the event was long over.  And, most of the time, the cheating spouse can understand why this is happening.  After all, infidelity is probably the worst betrayal that many of us can imagine.  In a perfect world, we imagine that our spouse only has desire and affection for us.  And when we have to face that the what we counted on is the not the truth, well that is just a very harsh reality.  And even after we have tried to move forward, sometimes the anger is still there because the pain is still there.  So sometimes, those hurtful little comments aren’t intentional.  They just pop out of our mouths before we can censor them.  Of course, this doesn’t make it right.  And neither one of you should have to continue to relive the affair for years after it’s been over.  So now, I’ll offer some tips on how to handle this.

Bring The Comments To Your Spouse’s Attention:  Often, the cheating spouse gets in the habit of remaining silent because they know that they deserve some of the comments.  So even though what their spouse is saying hurts them very deeply, they will just sort of sigh and take it.  The thing is, your spouse may not be aware of how much this his happening.  That’s why you should bring this to their attention in the most gentle way as is possible.  You don’t want to sound defensive.  You don’t want to make them believe that you felt justified in your cheating.  You just want for them to be aware that they are continuing to lash out. And, if you handle this correctly, you might actually be able to improve your situation.

A suggested script might be something like: “honey, that really hurts me.  I know that in the past, I have deserved that comment.  But, for the last couple of years, I have done everything in my power to make this right.  Our marriage can’t heal for good if we keep on hurting one another over something that is long in the past.  Is there anything that you’re still angry about that I can help you with?  Because I just can’t help but notice that this is happening quite a bit.  Can you share with me if there’s an issue that I haven’t yet addressed? I’ll be glad to offer you any reassurance that you might need, but we can’t keep on like this.  I take full responsibility for my actions, but it hurts both of us and our marriage when the anger just keeps on coming.  What can we do to move past this because it’s very discouraging to me that I’m having to relive something that I really want to leave behind?”

Do you see how you were trying to approach this with a spirit of cooperation and understanding.  The last thing that you want to do is to become angry or hint that you won’t tolerate this.  Because frankly, your spouse is reacting out of insecurity.  If your words make them more insecure, then the problem will become worse instead of better.

As I said, I got into the habit of constantly bringing up the affair but it really did no good and it just prolonged the pain.  I realized that this was an indication that our marriage still had some healing to do, so we were able to turn a negative into a positive.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

I could certainly feel for this wife.  I don’t think there are many wives who don’t go through this very same thing when dealing with infidelity.  This isn’t an easy process.  But I firmly believe that there are some things that you can do in order to begin to work past it.  I will discuss them below.

Until You See Yourself As Completely Lovable, You Are Likely To Continue To Doubt What He Says: Believe me when I say that I am not trying to put any of the blame onto you.  None of this is in any way your fault.  You are the innocent party here.  But when it comes to feeling loved after infidelity, sometimes you have to do some things to help yourself.  I know first hand that if you do not see yourself as worthy and lovable, then you will tend to continue to have doubts no matter what your husband is saying or doing.   Believe me, I know what a toll infidelity can take on your self esteem.  You begin to wonder if he cheated because you let yourself go.  Or you wonder if the other woman was just so alluring that he will never stop thinking about her.  But, here is something you should know.  You are the exact same special and lovable person that you were before the infidelity.  His mistake does not make you less attractive, less lovable, or less of anything for that matter.

If you have self esteem issues right now (and almost every one does,) then please help yourself and do whatever is necessary to rebuild your self esteem.  Giving yourself the gift of time and improvement is not selfish.  It is downright necessary.  You don’t deserve to continue to suffer because of this.  But until you believe that your are attractive, you are lovable, and you are enough, then this issue will likely come up over and over again.  And, it can be very hard to save your marriage when this old insecurities are hanging around.  I remember very vividly that no matter what my husband said or did, I always doubted his love for me.

But after I spent a lot of time with myself and working on myself, I finally realized that I was absolutely lovable and that if he didn’t genuinely love me, then this was him lacking and not me lacking.  And this was a huge turning point for me.

Try To Look At His Actions And His Behaviors As Much As You Listen To His Words:  It’s very easy to get into the habit of doubting anything that he says.  That is why it is important to look at the entire picture.  What are his actions telling you?  Frankly, when it dawned on me that I could begin to believe what my husband was telling me was when I finally thought to myself that if he didn’t love me, why was he still present?  Because I had done everything in my power to push him away and yet he was still hanging in there and still offering reassurance.  One day, I realized that if he didn’t really want to be there, he was an adult man who could walk away.  So if you are having trouble believing his words, then look at his actions (and the fact that he is still around) and see if that doesn’t help.

So, to answer the question posed, you can begin to feel loved again by first loving yourself and then looking at the totality of your husband’s words and behaviors to see if it’s possible for you to give him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to.

As I said, I had a very hard time feeling loved after my husband’s infidelity.  It wasn’t until I boosted my own self esteem and loved myself that this issue vastly improved. Frankly, this is just not an issue that I worry about anymore.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

I can’t say that I knew how this wife felt because I didn’t.  I was the spouse who was cheated on instead of the spouse who cheated.  However, when I hear from spouses who are as sincere as this wife, my heart does go out to them.  And while I couldn’t tell her that she had no reason to be angry at herself (because she did,) I could assure her that her hatred and her anger really had no healthy place in her life.  I will tell you why in the following article.

Hating Yourself Isn’t Helping Your Spouse:  Let me try to help you see things a little more clearly.  Probably, one of the major reasons that you hate yourself right now is because you feel such sorrow about what this has done to your spouse.  You love your spouse and you feel such regret that your actions have hurt them.  Therefore, you hate yourself because you are the one who has hurt them.  Here is the thing though.  Your anger toward and hatred for yourself isn’t doing anything to help your spouse.  Your hatred isn’t helping your spouse heal and likely doesn’t make them feel any better.  So in that sense, it is a waste.  Nothing positive is coming out of it. And, as a result of it, your marriage isn’t getting better.  In fact, these feelings are doing you no good.  They are hurting you rather than helping you.  So you are better off moving away from them and using your energy for something that is actually helpful.

Moving Toward Something Constructive That Makes A Real Difference:  One way to begin to move away from these destructive feelings is to move toward things that will heal.  So rather than hating yourself, what can you do to help your spouse?  Well, you can become responsible and accountable.  You can become the partner that your spouse needs and wants.  You can work tirelessly to restore the trust.  You can do any number of things to offer your spouse reassurance and affection.  In short, you want to use your energy to heal rather than to use your energy to harm.

The next time you feel your hatred and your anger driving you, redirect it.  Instead of doing something destructive to yourself, do something nice for your spouse.  Instead of wallowing in your thoughts, call your spouse and tell them how much you love them.  When you are filled with self doubt, take inventory and make sure that you are doing everything that you can to remove all doubt of your trustworthiness and your loyalty.  When you are angry at your actions, make sure that you set it up so that your future actions are ones that you can be very proud of.    Because the best way to ensure that your hatred wanes is to meet it head on with love.  And if from today on, you live your life with integrity and truth, then eventually you will know that you do everything that you possibly could to right this wrong.

No, you can not take this back and that can be heartbreaking.  But you do have control over the future.  You can control your future actions and you can do everything in your power to strengthen your marriage and to help your spouse heal. And you can become the kind of spouse who makes your partner very happy.  If you can have the kind of marriage that makes you both fulfilled and you prove yourself rehabilitated and trustworthy, then continuing to hate yourself is just a waste of time and isn’t really founded anyway.

My husband would constantly say that he hated himself after an affair.  But I got no joy out of this.  In fact, it kind of annoyed me because I wanted him to place his focus on my feelings rather than on his own feelings, if that makes any sense.  Once I made him understand this, things improved.  And we were able to not only save but to improve our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Although You Deserve An Apology, She May Not Have The Desire To Offer You One: Here is my opinion as someone who has been there.  I absolutely believe that you deserve an apology and I understand why you want one.  You feel as if you need to look her in the eye and make her understand how heinous and deplorable her actions actually were.  You want to see at least some form of remorse or acknowledgement in her eyes.  Unfortunately though, it’s my observation that you are rarely going to get what you need from her, especially in this case.  Think about it.  We are talking about a woman who is so calculating and ruthless that she was preying on a husband with a wife in the hospital.  (I’m not saying that the husband is not partly to blame but clearly, he did not initiate the contact.)

Another consideration is that very often, she will be defensive.  Often, she will set it up so that the wife is in some way to blame.  You often hear women who are fond of cheating with married men say things like: “well if she would have taken care of her husband, she wouldn’t have had to worry about me.”  Or “well if she had kept her man happy, then no other woman could have turned his head.”  I am not saying that these phrases or accurate and not downright nasty, but this is what you will often hear.

By Asking For An Apology, You’re Letting Her Into Your Life.  And You Might Not Get The Closure That You’re Hoping For When You’re Dealing With Someone Like This: Frankly, initiating contact with her is, at least in my opinion, continuing to allow her into your life.  I know that you hope that you might gain some ground or reclaim your self esteem if you look at her eye to eye.  But if I am being honest with you, I have to tell you that these meetings often do not go well and they do not provide the closure that the wife usually hopes for.  Sometimes, the other woman will be downright nasty and will actually try to say the most hurtful things imaginable.  Other times, she will try to make it sound like your husband was the aggressor.  She might even insinuate that the affair is still going on.  Sometimes, she whips out photos and texts.  It is not unusual for these meetings to turn into a physical altercation.  Who needs that?

My Opinion: It’s my opinion that you deserve an apology from two people but you should only seek it from one – your husband.  Because moving forward, he is the only one who you should be in continued contact with.  Ideally, you want to move on with your life and stop all contact with this woman.  But, whether you save your marriage or not, it’s a safe bet that, especially if you have children, you will still be in contact with your husband.  It is the relationship with him that matters because with a little work, she should only be a tiny blip in your life.  Don’t give her any more time than she has already taken.  Don’t allow her to continue to impede into your life and into your mind.  Leave her behind and realize that women like this often do not see where they are wrong anyway. And that means that they are not likely to give you the apology that you want.

I fixated on the other woman for a long time.  But one day, I realized that I spent more time thinking about her than I was spending on my healing.  And I realized how backward that was. So, I vowed to leave her behind and to focus on me.  And that was the best decision I ever made.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

It’s impossible for me to answer this question for this wife.  I don’t know the husband or the dynamics of their marriage.  But I can tell you that there can be some consequences when you force your spouse to end the affair.  I will discuss some of them below.

He May Resent It:  I find this to be grossly unfair but it is often reality.  Even when your spouse understands why you need to give the ultimatum, he will often resent you for it because you didn’t give him any choice in the matter.  They may also feel the loss of the other person and, whether rightly or not, blame you for it.

He May Long For The Other Person Since He Didn’t Have Closure:  This is another common consequence.  Since he didn’t see the relationship through, he might always think that she was the one who got away.  He might obsess over what might have been or what she is doing now.

He May Still See Her Behind Your Back:  Because of the things that I mentioned above, some spouses feel as if they can’t possibly let the other person go.  However, they often still want to hold onto their family.  So in their own mind, one way to make every one happy while they figure all of this out is to continue to see her behind your back.  Now, sometimes they aren’t having physical contact or sex at this point, but they are keeping in touch because they just can’t bear to completely let go.

He May See You As The Person Standing In The Way Of His Happiness:  There are times when the cheating spouse projects his frustrations onto the faithful spouse.  This isn’t fair or accurate but sometimes, he has to put his anger somewhere and he isn’t always going to blame the other woman or himself.   He may portray you as the person who doesn’t understand him or who is trying to keep him from true happiness.

You May Also Wonder If He Would Have Ended The Affair On His Own.  Insecurity May Be The Result:  If you know that the only reason that he is no longer with this other woman because you forced it to be so, then you may always wonder if he actually wants to be with you or if he is only with you by force.  This can lead to all types of doubt and insecurity that ensures that the pain continues on.

The Positive Things That Can Come Out Of Forcing The Affair To End:  So far, I have only mentioned the negative things that can occur when you make your spouse end the affair.  Now, I’ll admit that sometimes, there is some good that comes out of this.  Sometimes, he listens to your demands and he breaks it off.  So at least at that point the affair is over and they are no longer seeing one another.  And in some cases, in time, the husband realizes that ending the affair was the right thing to do.  There have been couples who have saved their marriage and have healed in this situation.  However, there are also couples who crumbled under the weight of the consequences.

What I Believe Is The Better Option:  As you probably can tell, I believe that there is often too much risk with this strategy.  Of course, I can’t and won’t tell anyone what they should do with their own marriage.  But I believe that it is more effective to state the consequences of him not making the right choice and then allowing him to chose on his own.  The script might be something like: “this has to be your choice, but I can tell you for a fact that I can not participate in a marriage where someone else is involved.  In order for our relationship to continue and to resolve itself, I need to know that she is completely out of the picture and that you are completely sincere about saving our marriage.  Until you can truthfully tell me this, then I can’t participate in our marriage.  So you let me know when you have come to a decision.”

You haven’t given him any ultimatums per se, but you have let him know that he will not enjoy the advantages of being married to you while he is carrying on with someone else.  So it is now up to him to decide which life he wants more than the other.  And as painful as it may be waiting for him to make this decision, at least you will know that it is a genuine decision. So that if he does end the affair and come back to your marriage, you will know that it is because he genuinely wanted to.

I didn’t have to give my husband an ultimatum after his affair.  And I am not sure which way I would have played it.  But at the end of the day, healing is the same no matter the circumstances after an affair.  It can be difficult and painful but if you put in the time and effort, it can be worth it.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

I heard from a wife who said: “last year, I made the worst mistake of my life.  I had a fling at a class reunion that my husband could not attend.  And then after the fling, I kept in contact with the guy and had a couple of more encounters with him.  I honestly don’t know why I did this. I think that my self esteem was at a low point and this guy made me feel good about myself.  But once I realized how much harm I was doing, I broke it off and I told my husband the truth.  I practically fell to his feet and begged for his forgiveness.  I have offered to go to counseling or to do anything else that he might require.  But he continuously says that not only does he not forgive me, but he has no plans whatsoever to forgive me in the future.  I am so upset about this.  We have two little girls who are going to miss their daddy.  Why won’t he just accept my apology so that we can move on?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

Understand Why He May Hesitate To Forgive:  I do understand why you feel that you want, need, and even deserve forgiveness.  But, as a wife who has been cheated on, I can tell ou that there are many reasons that one would hesitate to offer forgiveness.

The first is that they just may not be ready.  I can tell you from experience that before you are ready to forgive, you need to see a whole lot of remorse and a whole lot of rehabilitation.  Sometimes this takes counseling and other times, it doesn’t.  But it certainly doesn’t always happen quickly.  And when you push for forgiveness before they feel that you have earned it, this can create resentment that makes them even more reluctant to forgive.

Also they may feel that forgiving you is a form of condoning the affair or of letting you get off very easy or virtually scot-free.  Of course, it’s your job to show them over time that you are sincere enough that their doubts are unfounded.  But understand that there is bound to be some reluctance. You have to understand how badly you have hurt them.  You have to understand that they do have a right to their anger and to their reluctance.  But, you may have more control than you think.  Below, I’ll go over some things that spouses often look for before they will offer forgiveness.

Things You Will Want To Show Your Spouse Before They Feel Safe And Justified In Forgiveness:  Understand that your spouse is probably watching everything that you do extremely closely.  They want to be believe that you are so sorry for your actions.  They want to know that you fully understand why you have cheated and have fixed whatever problem existed so that there is assurance that you will not cheat again.  They want to see that you have actively done everything in your power to become trustworthy.  Nothing out of your mouth should be untrue.  Even little white lies meant to spare pain are absolutely unacceptable.  Also, they are looking to see if the relationship is repairable.  They want to be assured that you still love and are attracted to them.

In short, they need to know that you aren’t just seeking forgiveness for your own gain without any concern about what they need from you.  You must make it extremely obvious that your first concern is them, their healing, and their recovery. You don’t want to ask anything of them before you give everything you have of yourself.  In other words, you must earn that forgiveness and I have to tell you that sometimes, this is no easy task.  But if you are patient, are concerned mostly with your spouse rather than yourself, and set it up that you deserve forgiveness, then stay the course.

So to answer the question posed, there are various reasons that your spouse isn’t ready to offer forgiveness.  They may not be ready yet.  They may still not find your excuses or your reasoning as valid.  They might not have seen enough remorse or sorrow.  Or, they may believe that you are more concerned about alleviating your own guilt rather than helping them heal.  But to overcome these things, you can learn to be extremely trustworthy and accountable.  And you can place your focus on providing what your spouse needs in order to heal.  Because to be very honest I can tell you from experience that once you begin to heal and feel some relief from the shock and the sadness, then it is much easier to forgive.

I did eventually forgive my husband after his affair, but he eventually gave me everything that I needed to feel safe in order to heal.  We are still married today and I feel that our marriage is quite strong.  I don’t worry about him cheating again.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

I heard from a wife who said: “I feel like the other woman doesn’t have any price to pay. This woman at my husband’s office pursued him relentlessly until they began having an affair. When I found out about the affair, my husband agreed to break it off. However, people at his office found out about the affair and things became very uncomfortable for him at work. His supervisor strongly suggested that he tansfer to another position in a different town. He pretty much didn’t give my husband any real choice. But guess what? The transfer doesn’t pay as much as his old job. And the new town means that we will have to move and that my children will have to go to a new school. My family is just devastated by this. I may have to work rather than stay home with my children just so that we can make ends meet. And guess who was my husband’s replacement at his old job? This other woman. So now her life has actually improved while ours has deteriorated horribly. I wonder how this is fair? And I want to know if she is ever going to get what she deserves?” I’ll try my best to answer this in the following article.

I do understand how you feel. I was in the same situation and the other woman basically got to skip out of our lives with all of her destruction behind her. But I have to say that I now have a little different perspective. I do sometimes hear from “the other woman” on my blog and I have to tell you that some of them are quite hurt and devastated by the turn of events.

Why It’s Probably Not Accurate To Make Assumptions About The Other Woman: Many people assume that the other woman just seamlessly picks up the pieces of her life while the husband’s family is shattered and struggling. I can tell you from the emails that I get that this just isn’t the case. Sometimes, the other woman feels as if she had no closure whatsoever. She will tell you that one day the husband was completely invested in their relationship and loving but then, once his wife found out, he completely changed and then all of a sudden, there was no further contact allowed. It’s as if one second he’s there and an active part of her life and then the next second, he’s gone. And sometimes when all she wants is an explanation, it’s clear that she’s not going to get that either. He won’t take her calls or see her. So she just has to accept that everything he told her was a lie and that her relationship was a joke. And this process can hurt her.

I am certainly not defending her actions.  But, do you see how, even if her day to day life doesn’t appear to be impacted, her emotions and her ability to cope certainly are? The truth is, even if you wanted to ask her about what she might have suffered, you probably wouldn’t get a straight answer anyway. So you can’t possibly know what she is going through. Therefore, it’s probably not always accurate to assume that she got off scot – free, although I’m sure that this is true of some women.

Why I Believe That Worrying About Yourself And Allowing The Universe To Handle The Rest Is The Best Way To Proceed: Even if the other woman was living a carefree life, it’s likely that you have enough to worry about in your own life. You deserve to be happy once again and you probably can’t do this if you are placing all of your focus on her and how she fared.  Believe me when I say that I’m not defending her. Infidelity causes so much pain to so many people but the truly innocent party is this scenario is the faithful spouse and the children. So, I tend to have a lot less sympathy for the cheating spouses.

However, with that said, I also know that the family can’t begin to heal until the faithful spouse places her focus on exactly that – her healing. And dwelling or wondering about the other woman can delay this process because it keeps the focus on her. I firmly believe that the universe has a way of handing out fairness. Sure, things may not seem all that fair right now. But you have no way in knowing what the future holds. Hopefully, you won’t know what her future holds because you will no longer be thinking about her because you will be going on with your own life. And because hopefully you will have healed, you will begin to pick up the pieces of your life and be happy again.

Quite frankly, I so rarely think about the other woman today. And I’m not sure that I even wish her ill. It’s not that I hope she’s on top of the world (or hurting someone else’s family,) but I guess I don’t have the right to wish any one ill since I have so many blessings in my own life.

As I said, I believe that a huge weight will be lifted off of your shoulders if you commit to your own healing and vow to let the universe handle the rest.  Once I made this declaration, things began to change for me and my healing began.  Although I never would have believed it in the beginning, my husband and I did recover and we are still married today.  It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com