I get a lot of emails from wives who are concerned about what sex is going to be like after their husband cheated or had an affair. Many are trying very hard to save their marriages. They are doing everything they can to move on in a positive way.
But sex can be a whole different story in this equation because it’s just so raw. There’s really no where to hide. If it’s awkward or awful this can negatively affect your attempts to save your marriage and get things back to normal. And, some women fear that they (or their husband) are going to think about the other woman during sex.
They other worry that either they or their husband won’t get aroused or turned on and that the whole encounter might be a disaster. And if it’s a disaster, what does this say about his attraction for and desire for you and about the marriage?
This is a shame because sometimes sexual issues after cheating or an affair don’t have everything to do with sexual desire or the lack of it. A lot of emotions, doubt, fear, and resentment can be tied to sex after cheating.
In the following article, I’ll offer some tips to help make sure the first time you have sex with your husband after cheating is a good experience rather than a bad one.
Although It’s Very Tempting: Don’t Rush Sex After His Cheating Or Affair: I admit that I was very tempting to rush into sex after my husband’s affair – not because I particularly wanted to have it with him, but because I wanted confirmation that he would still find me attractive or be turned on by me.
And I think part of me wanted for him to want me so I could turn around and turn him down. I know this was silly thinking on my part and a potential power play but that’s the way I felt. However, after hearing from people I respect, I decided I would be better off waiting and I’m so glad I did because the experience was actually quite good rather than awkward, in genuine, or forced.
If you have any doubt or reservation, I think it is better to wait. Honestly, if you can wait until the moment is absolutely right and you both want to be together more than anything else and can’t wait another moment, this is how you know that you have waited long enough.
I know it’s very tempting to want the reassurance of sex. You want to connect again. You want affirmation. But isn’t it better to know that you can freely participate without doubt or pain? I know that husbands have a tendency to pressure you for sex because they want to know that you are forgiven them.
But part of your healing process is putting yourself and your needs first. You can gently and lovingly tell him that, when you do have sex, you want it to be special and you aren’t sure you’re at that point yet, but that he will be the first to know. You can phrase it in a playful way that isn’t a rejection.
Regaining Your Sexual Confidence After Your Husband Cheated Or Had An Affair: To me, the one thing that is going to make sex after an affair good is your own confidence. If you go into this worried that he doesn’t find you desirable or that the experience isn’t going to be good, this is going to affect the outcome and both of your levels of enjoyment. I know you might hope that your doubts or reluctance won’t be obvious, but it generally is.
So, I actually think it’s a very good idea to work on rebuilding your self esteem before you have sex with your husband again. Tweak your appearance if it bothers you, get something amazing to wear so that you can feel your best.
A resource that I’m affiliated with and can recommend is an ebook called “Her Secrets.” I will give you fair warning that it’s a bit racy. It teaches you how to tweak your sexual skills and, shall we say and incorporate things that men REALLY like in bed so that at least you can have the confidence that the experience is going to be good for him.
And quite frankly, isn’t that what we all want? To know that sex with us is so good that he doesn’t want or need to go and get it anywhere else? With that said though, I don’t ever want for you to feel as though you have to put on a performance or do everything right to earn his love or desire.
Because this is as much about an emotional connection as it about a physical one. If your mind isn’t into it, your body can’t be either. That’s why I recommend making sure you have done everything that you need to heal before you resume your sex life.
I know it’s a lot to ask to wait, but I suspect you will be glad you did. I’m very glad I did. The experience was a very good one and our marriage is back on firmer ground. In fact, we’re never been more solid. If you’d like, you’re welcome to read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com. I hope something here has helped!
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