How Can A Man Prove Himself After Cheating, An Affair Or Infidelity

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from men who are looking for ways to get back in their wives’ good graces after infidelity, cheating, or having an affair. Some feel as though they’ve tried everything in their power to prove how sincere and sorry they are to their wife, but nothing works. I recently heard from a husband who said: “I’ve done everything that I know how to do to prove my love and commitment to my wife after my affair. But she is still so furious with and disappointed in me. She said she doesn’t know what she wants to do about our marriage and she isn’t making any commitment to me because she just has to wait and see how she feels. I have brought her expensive gifts, said I’m sorry a million times, and constantly tell her how much I love her but she still looks at me with suspicion. I am starting to wonder if I am going to spend the rest of my life like this. How can a man prove himself after infidelity once and for all? Because I feel like I’m not making any progress.”

Understand What Your Wife Really Wants: Hopefully, I can save you a lot of time right now by explaining what your wife probably really wants. It often isn’t expensive presents or guilt gifts. She doesn’t want you to endlessly fill her ears with empty words. What she wants most of all is for the affair never to have happened. Since this isn’t possible, the next best thing would be to believe that she can trust you once again and that you’ll never again cheat on her. Third, she wants to know that you still love her and find her desirable. She wants to be able to have faith in you again because the doubts that she has right now about your love for and commitment to her are likely extremely painful for her.

She wants to understand why you acted the way that you did so that she feels as if she has some control over fixing this in the right way. She wants you to take the lead in fixing this mess. And yes, I know that you have told her how sorry you are and how much you love her. But words are only more of the same. You also told her that you would always love her and be faithful to her. So, words have a way of failing you and ending up being untrue. It’s normal for her to have some doubt about your words, no matter how many times you repeat them or how passionately you express them.

So what matters to her more than words? Your actions. Over time, she wants to come to know that she can trust you again. She wants to see that you’re home when you say that are going to be. She wants to see that you are listening to what she is saying and responding appropriately. She wants for your actions to affirm the words you are saying because she does not want to be deceived again. And she wants to see genuine love and desire rather than pity in your eyes.

As you might gather, these things often happen over time. She knows full well than you can and will say anything. But she’s probably going to wait you out regardless. It’s probably going to take a while of your showing yourself to be completely truthful and trustworthy before she starts to have faith again. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t really want to believe you. It just means that she’s normal and that she has a healthy dose of doubt because of what happened to her.

One Of The First Things You Should Prove To Your Wife Is That You Are Finished With The Other Woman: Probably one of the first concerns that your wife will have is if the other woman is out of the picture for good. (Many wives think that the husband has the other woman waiting in the wings in case things don’t work out with the marriage.) The other woman’s exit from your life is absolutely non negotiable. If you claim that it’s over and you proclaim your love for your wife and then go right back behind her back and move toward the other woman once again, then you’ve just set the process back greatly, if not completely destroyed your wife’s trust. You must not have any inappropriate contact with the opposite sex from this moment forward and believe me when I say that your wife is going to be watching very closely.

Remain Calmly Determined In Your Commitment To See This Through: Your wife is probably going to trow a lot of anger and blame your way and you really can not fault her for that. She’s right to be outraged and to doubt you. So, there are going to be days when she might not be very receptive to you and may even be downright mean. She may ask you for some time on her own to sort things out. Honor her requests. Tell her that you will give her whatever she needs as long as she communicates what it is.

One thing that really finally helped me see that my husband was serious about me and our marriage after his affair was that, no matter what I threw at him, he took it and he kept quietly coming back. Sure, sometimes he lost his patience. Sometimes he got discouraged. But it was mostly clear that his concern was for me and that he didn’t plan on going anywhere because he was committed to our marriage.

I threw a lot of negativity and resentment his way and I’m sure this wasn’t very fun for him. But he knew that he created the situation and was committed to salvaging our marriage. So he hung around. Sometimes he laid low and sometimes he pushed a little harder but no matter what, he always reassured me that he’d keep right on doing what I asked and that over time, I would see that he meant what he said, which is ultimately what happened.

In the end, I came to trust that he was telling me the truth because this was confirmed by his actions and his determination to stay put and to place my best interests before his own. Ultimately, this was the beginning of our saving our marriage. If you think it might help you, you’re more than welcome to read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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