By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who admit that their husband is seemingly doing and saying the right things after his affair. Even so, the wives often have a nagging little feeling that they just can’t shake which is asking them if their husband is really sincere about everything that he says. Often, they really want to believe that they can trust and believe in him. But, despite this, they can’t help but have their doubts.
I recently heard from a wife who said: “I caught my husband cheating on me last month. Turns out, the affair had been going on for about three weeks. He immediately apologized and begged for my forgiveness. Not only did he agree to go to counseling, but he found the counselor and made the appointment himself. He’s doing and saying all the right things. He’s constantly telling me how sorry he is and how he’s going to make this all up to me if I will just give him the chance. But, I can’t put my finger on what is bothering me because in the back of my mind, I can’t help wondering if he is really and truly sincere. It’s almost too perfect and too rehearsed. Sometimes, despite everything that he is telling me, I will watch him when he isn’t aware that I am looking. And I will see this sort of faraway look on this face which I suspect means he’s thinking of her. I almost feel like he’s trying to make me believe in him so I will let my guard down and he can then see her again behind me back. I suppose my question is how do I know that he is really sincere when he’s says he’s sorry, that he’ll never cheat again, and that he wants to save our marriage? How do I know that he isn’t just telling me what I want to hear so that he will have the all clear to do what he wants to do on the sly?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.
Take A Look And See If His Actions Match His Words: Sometimes, wives don’t understand why they have that nagging little feeling that makes them doubt their husband’s sincerity until they begin to put 2 and 2 together. In other words, are his claims and his actions in alignment? For example, is he telling you that you are the love of his life and that he would do anything for you but then when you are together, he’s not showing you the physical affection that would back this up? Or, is he insisting that you can trust him only to be showing up late sometimes or contradicting himself on little things which might add up to big things? Is he telling you that he’s so deeply sorry for cheating but then getting defensive or even dismissive when you ask him questions about the affair?
All of these things will give you little clues that what he’s saying and how he really feels might be two different things. Now, sometimes a man can be very sincere in his words but he may not know the best way to carry out intentions in actions. Men can be very uncomfortable and awkward when it comes to thinks like discussing their feelings and motivations or agreeing to counseling. A lack of these things do not necessarily mean that he’s not sincere or that he doesn’t love you. But, if you are seeing more than a few of this contradictions, then it may be time to pay attention.
Signs Of A Man Who Is Sincere About Saving His Marriage After He Had An Affair: It goes without saying that all men are different. But there are often tell tale signs they will give off when they really are sincere about saving your marriage. One of the first things to look for is their agreeing to some type of counseling, help, or at least some resources to make them understand why they acted as they did and what they can do to keep it from happening again. I am being very honest when I tell you that this process can be awkward, embarrassing, and painful. It’s just not a lot of fun to examine your every thought and motivation, especially when you are the one who messed up. But a man who truly wants to save his marriage is often willing to do this because he knows that it is likely to help him get what he wants – which is his wife and his marriage back.
Also, a man who is sincerely sorry and motivated to save his marriage will often be very accountable. He fully realizes that his situation is the direct result of his own actions and no one else’s. You’ll sometimes have to pay particular attention to the man who says “yes, I cheated and I’m sorry but you were never there for me” Or “you didn’t give me enough attention or affection.” The reason why these phrases are so dangerous is because they show that he almost feels justified in his actions. So that the next time he feels unappreciated or abandoned, you have to wonder if he will feel justified in cheating again. This isn’t to say that if you are seeing this in your husband that he can’t be rehabilitated or made to understand the mistake in this type of thinking. But, this is a warning sign.
Another thing that you want to look for is patience and lack of defensiveness. A man who knows that the affair was all his fault is going to be willing to face up to your disappointment and anger rather than making you out to be the bad guy or implying that your reaction or feelings are not warranted. That’s not to say that he’s going to enjoy your angry words and actions, but he’s not going to turn them back on you as if you are at fault because of his belief and knowledge that he is the one at fault.
It Can Be Difficult To Identify Sincerity In The Early Stages Of Recovery: I would like to make one final point. Often, it is your husband’s long term actions that are going to be the best indicator of his sincerity. Men can and will say anything after the affair is first discovered when everything is fresh. But eventually, dealing with these issues get very old when you are not 100 percent committed to your wife and your marriage. And if a man really wants to be with the other woman, he will usually only hold out so long before his true colors begin to come out.
On the other hand, a man who sincerely wants to save his marriage is going to consistently show you the same behaviors over the long term because he is simply telling you the truth. So there is no reason for you to see any changes because his intentions and his message are always the same.
It took me a while to believe in my own husband’s sincerity after his affair. But over time, I just noticed a consistency in what he said and what he did. He hung in there over the long haul and, at the end of the day, it mattered. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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