Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who want tips or advice on how to get back into their spouse’s good graces after they have been caught cheating or having an affair. They often know that they are in deep trouble with their spouse and they are looking for a way to prove themselves and to make up for the pain and lack of trust that their actions have caused.

I recently heard from a husband who said: “I made the huge mistake of cheating on my wife with my secretary. I know, what a cliche right? This devastated my wife. It hurts me so much to even look at my wife sometimes. Because this woman who used to be so loving and so confident has completely changed. There’s wounded look in her eyes and she looks at everyone with mistrust. I feel like I’ve changed who she is and have altered those things that I loved about her to begin with. I so want to make this up to her. I want to show her that if she will just give me a chance, I will never hurt her again and be the best husband she could possibly ask for. But she isn’t always receptive to me and she certainly doesn’t trust me. So how do I even begin to make this up to her?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

Understand That You Are Going To Need A Lot Of Patience. The Last Thing That You Want Is For Your Spouse To Feel Rushed: I understand this husband’s need to fix everything as soon as possible. It hurt him to see his wife in pain that he caused. So it was understandable that he wanted to do whatever he possibly could to alleviate his wife’s suffering and doubts. He wanted to put a smile on her face again and see her experience some genuine happiness.

And while all of these things are understandable or even admirable, you have to understand that recovery and healing is a process that takes time. You can’t hurry the process and if you attempt to do so, your spouse is going to feel pressure which could very make things worse. You want it to be obvious that your concern is for your spouse.  This can’t happen if they feel like you’re more concerned about yourself.

Don’t Overdo It. Make Sure That Anything That You Do For Your Spouse Feels Genuine: There’s sometimes a real temptation to want to buy your spouse a bunch of gifts, bombard them with apologies or love notes, or to follow them around declaring your love in order to gauge their feelings, but try to avoid doing anything that is over the top because sometimes this comes off as phony or fake. You don’t want to do so much that they think you are only putting on an act.  Because doing so just creates more mistrust.

Make Sure That Any Claims That You Are Making Are Authentic: One of the most important things that you can do right now is to show your spouse that they can trust whatever you are telling them, no matter how small the subject matter might be. So don’t make any claim or promise that isn’t 100 percent true or that you can’t back up every single time you make it. Don’t promise that you will go to counseling and then let that fall through the cracks. Don’t promise to be home every night by 6 if you can’t or won’t stand up to your boss when he demands you work late. But above all, don’t tell your wife that you’ll never look at or cross the line with another woman if you have the tiniest doubt that this may not be true. If you need help with the issues that lead up to the affair so that you won’t cheat again, please get it. Because it’s not fair to ask your spouse to trust you again when you know deep down that you aren’t trustworthy just yet.

Make Your Spouse’s Healing Your Highest Priority, Even If This Is A Detriment To Your Own Goals: I’m going to be honest when I tell you that many cheating spouses will claim that they will do whatever they have to do to make things up to their spouse, but only to the point that their actions benefit them in reaching their own goals.

For example, they might say they will go to counseling, but when the therapist points out their own flaws, then suddenly they are not so supportive of their spouse continuing to go. Or, they might tell their spouse that they are willing to do whatever she asks. But when she asks for time alone, then suddenly there is an exception.

If you are going to tell your spouse that you will do anything and everything to make this up to them, then you need to be prepared to do just that. And when they make requests that seem unappealing or uncomfortable to you, that is the time that you should do them anyway because your spouse’s healing (and not your own objectives) should come first.

Always remember that this is about your spouse’s recovery. I understand that you are in a real hurry to feel better about yourself and about your situation. But your primary concern should not be yourself or even your marriage. It should be your spouse. Because your spouse is hurting right now because of your actions. And it’s your job to help them heal. And usually, making this up to them doesn’t include presents or promises or new lifestyles. It includes your putting their healing about anything else and making good on the promises that really matter.

After I first found out about my husband’s affair, he tried to do very elaborate things to make it up to me.  What he didn’t understand was that I only wanted to feel normal again.  I only wanted to know that he loved, valued, and respected me enough to be faithful.  And that, if he couldn’t do these things, he will do whatever he could to get the help that our marriage needed.  It wasn’t until he understood this that he was truly able to make it up to me.  If it helps, you can read our recovery story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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