Sometimes, I hear from wives who very much want to save their marriage and get their husband back after his affair – but there’s a problem. Their husband thinks or believes that he’s “in love” with the other woman or mistress so, at least at this time, he’s not receptive to saving the marriage or coming back to the wife.
I get a lot of heartbreaking emails about this. I often read comments like “My husband thinks the other woman walks on water. He thinks she does no wrong. He thinks she makes him feel “alive” and “whole” again. He doesn’t care that she’s a low class person or is probably only after him for his money. He just thinks she’s the most wonderful person in the world and that she’s his soul mate. How in the world can I compete with that? How in the world can I save my marriage and get my husband home to his kids when he thinks he’s found what he’s always been looking for in this woman?”
This is a very difficult situation. Because when the husband is walking around in this fog of infatuation, there’s very little that you can do until he starts to come down to reality – but that can and does usually happen. And, there are things that you can do to move it along so that it happens more quickly. I will discuss this more in the following article.
As Tempting As It Is, If You Point Out The Other Woman’s Flaws, You’ll Likely Only Make Him Defensive And Have Him Defending Her: I know that it’s very tempting to point out how stupid your husband is being and what a deplorable tramp he’s carrying on with. But if you do that now, you’re only alienating him from you and only making him take up for her – which brings them closer together.
I know it’s so hard to bite your tongue and to keep from pointing out how stupid he’s acting and what a huge mistake he is making. But if you do this, you are likely make your situation worse. And since it’s a safe bet you want him back, this isn’t what you want to do.
I’ve seen this situation play out time and time again. And most of the time, if you wait, lurk in the shadows, and bide your time, you will be in the best position in the end. Which leads me to my next point.
Know That Once The Affair Runs It’s Course, He Will Realize That Doesn’t Even Know This Women – Much Less Love Her: I’ve never had an affair (although my husband did,) and I dialog with many men who have on my blog. And here’s what they tell me about affairs. In the beginning, they get so caught up in the excitement and the “newness” of it, that they aren’t really thinking. They aren’t looking at it objectively or intellectually.
Eventually though, this “new” phase passes. It’s inevitable. And when it does, this is often when your husband takes a long, hard look at this other woman and realizes that he doesn’t really know her at all. If this is true, how can he really love her?
Here’s another important point. A relationship that is build on deception, lies, and dishonestly doesn’t really have much of a chance in the end. She will eventually show her true colors and he will realize what a fool her has been. When this happens, you want to have positioned yourself in the best way possible, which is why it’s important that you take the high road, even when it’s very difficult.
Putting Yourself In The Best Position Possible To Get Your Husband Back From The Mistress: I know it’s very difficult to wait for all of her allure to wear off. But it almost always does. And if you are patient and build yourself up while you are waiting, you will be in the best position possible once their relationship starts to crumble.
So how do you handle yourself until then? This is a delicate dance. It really does depend on your husband’s attitude at the time, but I think it’s always a good idea to handle yourself with dignity and respect. It should be clear that you aren’t going to compete with her or be involved in any love triangle. When he decides who or what he wants, you will be willing to reconsider then -but not until then.
Women often ask me if they should attempt to have sex with their husband while he’s still with the mistress. In other words, they want to know if they should try to lure him back or to get the husband to actually cheat on the mistress with the wife. This can be a tough call too.
And I understand both lines of thinking on this. You can feel that if you can get him intimate with you again, you will have a chance to get him back. But if you allow him to have a relationship with both of you, then he really has no incentive to end the relationship with the mistress.
Now, if he’s beginning to come around and it’s clear he’s considering ending the relationship with the other woman, then you might have an argument. But it’s ideally best to wait until it’s clear that he’s again committed to you and completely cutting off contact with her – although I know that this is easier said than done.
Throughout this process, I recommend doing everything in your power to restore your self esteem. You never want to be in a position where you believe that’s she’s better than you in any way or has something that you do not. Do whatever you need to do to feel confident, beautiful, and good about yourself because this really does matter.
The image that you project becomes the image that every one else believes. If you feel badly about yourself, this will likely affect the way every one around you feels and views you. If you are worried about your sexual confidence, there’s an ebook on the side of this blog that is quite good for that.
If it helps, you are welcome to read about how I got over my own husband’s affair. It was a long hard journey, but frankly our marriage is better than ever now – and I don’t worry he will cheat again. You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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