How Will Someone Act When They Suspect Their Spouse Of Cheating?

By: Katie Lersch: Most of the time, those who I hear from are the faithful spouse who already has absolute proof that their spouse has been cheating. Sometimes, I hear from the cheating spouse who hasn’t yet been caught. (However, they suspect that their spouse is either onto them or getting ready to confront them.) They know that they are being watched. And they in turn are watching their spouse. They don’t want to be caught and they are hoping that the behaviors that they are seeing do not mean that their spouse has serious suspicious about their cheating.

Someone might say: “I have been cheating on my husband for about two months. I am cheating on him with my son’s coach. He knows this guy very well. In fact, my son has been playing sports for this man for years. So it’s normal for me to be spending time with him. However, I’m sure that the vibe we put off when we are together has changed. I’m sure we’re both awkward or perhaps we talk or make eye contact too much when we’re not alone. I have a feeling that my husband is onto us. But weirdly, he doesn’t seem mad. He’s actually more sweet to me and to the other guy. Am I just being paranoid? How does someone act when they suspect their spouse of cheating?”

I am sure that people’s behaviors will vary – just like people themselves vary. I hear from people who strongly suspect or know that their spouse is cheating. And they react in very different ways. Some want to confront their spouse the second that they get concrete proof, so they immediately become amateur detectives – watching their spouse extremely closely and perhaps snooping without apology. While they are doing this, they sometimes try to act normally because they don’t want their spouse to figure out that they are snooping and then alter their behavior. They don’t want their spouse to know that they suspect anything – because this will make him easier to catch. So yes, you might see your spouse acting pleasant to you because they want to catch you off guard. Or, they may not be sure that you are cheating (and are frankly hoping that you are not.)

Sometimes when you see an overly nice spouse, they are acting this way because they feel in their heart that you are cheating (and may even have some proof) but they are hoping that in a very short amount of time, you will end the affair. They act nice to you because they are hoping to hurry this process along and they don’t want to make it worse by having a nasty confrontation. They’d just prefer to hope for the best without making a mountain out of a molehill that they hope will pass quickly.

Sometimes, you might see a spouse that starts acting cold and accusatory to you. This is generally the type of person who can’t pretend to feel something that they aren’t. Or you just can’t look the other way. They get angry when they feel that someone has mistreated them. So, they can’t hide their frustration toward you when they believe that you are cheating on them. With this type of spouse, you often have a reasonably good idea that they know you’re cheating because they are suddenly acting hostile and asking you a bunch of questions.

Some spouses feel this anger, but they would rather bide their time and get concrete proof before they confront you. So you may not see them being overly nice or hostile, but you might notice a new vibe from them, as if things just don’t feel right. They might be stewing in silence and just waiting for the right time for a confrontation.

Now that I’ve outlined how your spouse might be acting, I’d like to make a point which is really just me expressing my opinion. Take it for whatever it is worth. Instead of worrying about how your faithful spouse is acting, why don’t you worry about your own actions also? Judging from my own life and from the correspondence that I get, most affairs are eventually found out. It is usually only a matter of time.

But even before the discovery is made, an affair will typically change and negatively affect your marriage even if your spouse isn’t exactly sure as to why something is off with you. Frankly, you can’t expect to carry something like this out and not have it give off consequences. I think the more prudent worry right now is deciding if you really want to continue on this way – living with that worry in the pit of your stomach that you’re going to get caught. One way that you can stop the immediate worrying is to stop cheating. Many people who cheat will tell you very frankly that the guilt and the paranoia of being caught makes the whole process less than worth it.

Yes, I am very biased because I am the person who caught my spouse cheating.  That pain could have been avoided if he had ended things instead of worrying about getting caught.  There’s more to read on my blog at

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