I Actually Picture Myself As My Husband’s Affair Partner When We Are Having Sex. How Can I Stop?

By: Katie Lersch: Understandably, one of the most common issues a couple can have when trying to recover after an affair centers around sex.  Most people can understand why it would be awkward.  Your spouse has had sex with someone else.  There is anger, hurt, and doubt.  There is worry that the sex will be bad and what that might mean for your marriage.  The sex can also be emotionally painful and can bring about disturbing feelings during the act of sex.

For example, the faithful spouse may get images of their spouse having sex with the other person and have no idea how to chase those images from their mind.  Therefore, not only can they not enjoy sex, but they are being re-injured and hurt at a time when they should be present in the moment.  You might have someone say: “every time my husband and I have sex, not only do I see him having sex with her, but I experience it myself.  I become her.  It’s weird.  It’s like his hands will be in my hair, but in my mind’s eye, his hands will be in her hair.  In my mind’s eye, it is her with him and not me.  I am the one experiencing it in real life, but I see her experiencing it in my place.  And of course, it grosses me out and I want to stop right then and there, but I can’t do that to my husband. So I just close my eyes tight and I try to get it over with as soon as possible.  I know that this isn’t a great way to go about things, but what I can do?  Demand that my husband stop because I’m having stupid visions?  I would sound like I was crazy.  The subject of sex is awkward enough.  I need to know how to stop this from happening because it is going to get to the point where I’m going to start to want to avoid it and I know that this is not great for my marriage.  How do I stop?”

I can give you some pointers for that.  What you are experiencing is quite common.  But first, I want you to know that this isn’t your fault.  I notice that you use words like “crazy” and almost insinuate that this is your fault or that the responsibility for stopping it lies with you.  That really isn’t fair.  This would not be happening had it not been for the affair.  You are doing the best that you can.  And you may want to ask yourself if you are trying to have sex too soon.  If that is the case, there is nothing wrong with trying to get more healing under your belt before you try to resume that part of the relationship.

If you feel enough time has passed and you really want to continue on with sex, then you’ll want to try to redirect yourself when you notice your thoughts starting to wander.  Try opening your eyes and looking directly at your husband.  Try talking to him.  When you are staring at him, interacting with him, and / or talking to him, your mind is less likely to wander and therefore you are less likely to have those images.

Also, you can try to be very physically active with a high level of interaction and exertion.  The thinking here is the same as above – when you have to really think about what you are doing or are work hard doing it, then you don’t have the luxury of letting your mind wander because you can’t do these two things at one time.  The busier you can keep yourself, the less likely you are to be able to drift off.

Finally, I’m not sure that you want to continue to hide this from your spouse as if it’s your fault.  He may notice that you’re having a bad experience and he may think that he is doing something wrong.  Frankly, if you tell him and he is understanding and patient, this will make you feel loved and understood, which is exactly what you need to feel as though you come first, which helps those images to go away.

There is nothing wrong with you and this isn’t your fault. Often, not enough healing has taken place and so your doubts about the other woman come along at your most vulnerable time – when you are naked and being intimate with your husband.  Once you begin to heal, you will gain confidence in yourself and and in your relationship.  And as that happens, there becomes less and less room for anyone else in your head.  It really is such a relief when you are finally able to put the other woman where she belongs – which is no place near you or your loved ones ever again.

I used the changes to sex after the affair as an opportunity to spice things up.  As we healed and I became more at ease, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and it ended up being quite beneficial, but you should never rush this process or feel pressured.  Sex can’t be great if you’re not comfortable. There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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