I Can Not Get Over The Dishonesty Of The Cheating By My Husband

By: Katie Lersch: Most people assume that the thing that bothers the faithful spouse the most about the cheating is the sex with someone else. Many are surprised to learn that what is most bothersome to one person may not be the central issue for another. For some people, it is the sex. For others, it is the betrayal. And more still are most troubled by the dishonesty.

I might hear from a wife who says: “when my husband and I were dating, he knew that honesty was the most important thing to me in terms of my relationships. My mother is a pathological liar and this has hurt me for my entire life. It is part of the reason that I no longer have a relationship with her. Also, my ex fiancee lied to me about really important things which is why we never got married. I think that honesty says everything about a person’s character and my current husband knows this. And that is why it doesn’t surprise him to know how angry I am about his affair. The fact that he had sex with someone else bothers me, of course. But what bothers me about ten times more than that is the dishonesty. It’s the fact that he repeatedly lied to me about his whereabouts while he was with her and then he lied again to cover up his tracks. I just can not get over this. I can not stop thinking about it. My husband is absolutely begging me to give him another chance. And I did agree to that for a short time. But, now I doubt any claim that comes out of his mouth. I always think that he is lying to me and that is no way to have a marriage. Sometimes, I accuse him of lying even when he is telling the truth and this makes us both feel angry. I just can’t see us moving past this. My husband says that I am wrong to not even give him a chance. Am I? Because I just know in my heart that I won’t be able to get over the dishonestly. Being truthful is very important to me in all of my relationships. I wouldn’t hang out or do business with a dishonest person so I certainly do not want to be married to one.”

I have always believed that, in a marriage, each party has an absolute right to their own valid feelings. And I feel that this is particularly true after infidelity. It is the faithful spouse’s right to make the ultimate decision as to what they want or need to happen. I am going to be honest and tell you that some people decide that the infidelity is a deal breaker from which they will never get over and they end their marriage as a result (no matter what their spouse might do or say.) This is a valid. Because no one can or should tell you that it is OK and that you will get over it if in fact you know that it’s not OK and that you will never get over it. You get to decide what works for you. You get to decide the outcome of your life.

I did save my marriage after my own husband’s affair and I have never regretted that. But I am also fully aware that this isn’t the answer or the decision that every one makes. I can tell you that some couples do eventually work through the issues that they imagined that they never would. It is hard work, but people are able to do it. There was a time when I was sure that I needed to end my marriage because I could never trust my husband when he left for business ever again. Well, years later, I can and I do – all of the time.

But what worked for me may not work for you or you may decide that you don’t even want to try. And that is your right. Most people know what is best for them and they don’t need anyone telling them that they are wrong. You don’t have to defend your reasoning. You didn’t do anything wrong and you are dealing with this situation that you didn’t ask for as best as you can.

I know that some people feel very strongly that once someone shows themselves to be dishonest that they can never be assumed to be truthful again. But, I don’t always agree with this because I have seen men rehabilitated repeatedly who go on to participate in marriages with integrity and honesty. However, I have also seen men who swear they won’t lie and cheat again and who ultimately do. So I am not going to try to convince you of a course of action either way.

I’m just going to tell you that whatever you are feeling is valid and whatever you ultimately decide is your right. Because you get to decide what is and is not a deal breaker for you. And you get to decide if somewhere down the road, you might want to be open.  Or not.

The dishonesty also bothered me as well.  But ultimately, I looked at the totality of my marriage and I had to admit that, up until that point, my husband had always conducted himself with integrity and honesty over the course of many years.  This counted for something with me.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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