I Cheated And Now My Spouse Is Ignoring Me Completely. What Should I Do?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from panicked spouses who are being completely ignored after their cheating or their affair has been discovered. Often, they know that they deserve their spouse’s anger, but they are frightened that their spouse is going to continue ignoring them and that this might mean that their cheating will contribute to their marriage being over for good.

I heard from a wife who said: “I admitted to cheating on my husband because I just could not stand the guilt any more. And, at the end of the day, I wanted to come clean so that I could save my marriage. I knew my husband would be furious and he was. But I wasn’t expecting for him to kick me out, which is exactly what he did. He pretty much didn’t say a word and showed me the door. I left because I figured that he needed some time to think. However, it’s been over a week and he won’t take my phone calls or return my text. I showed up at the house the other day and he came to the door and just shook his head as if to show that no, he wouldn’t let me in or even acknowledge my presence. Through the door, I asked him if was going to ignore me forever and he just shrugged his shoulders and turned and walked away. I understand his anger, but I absolutely hate being ignored. What does his ignoring me mean? What should I do?” I will try to answer these questions in the following article.

As Hard As It May Be, It’s Often In Your Best Interest To Give Your Spouse Some Space: I know that this is a difficult situation. Many people tell me that they would actually prefer that their spouse scream and yell all sort of insults than to simply ignore them. I understand this because, even if your spouse is angry at you, at least they are experiencing enough emotion to have a reaction, even if it is a negative one.

But if they don’t seem to be experiencing much emotion and are  ignoring you as the result, you start to wonder if this is going to go on forever or if they have checked out entirely.  I understand feeling this way, but understand that your spouse is likely reeling and may well be unsure as to how they really feel. As someone who has been cheated on by a spouse, I can tell you that often you feel very differently from hour to hour. Sometimes, you are furious. Other times you are hurt. And there are plenty of times when you are confused. And, when your spouse keeps showing up demanding that you speak to them, this can actually make things worse for you, which leads me to my next point.

How To React When Your Spouse Won’t Stop Ignoring You After You’ve Been Caught Cheating Or Having An Affair: I know that it might be tempting to try to engage your spouse or become angry at them just to give them a taste of how this feels. But try to avoid negative emotions directed at them. None of this is their fault. In fact, it was your actions that put this into motion. If you want to save your marriage with your spouse, it truly is in your best interest to have some patience and to concentrate on their well being rather than your own.

They probably won’t ignore you forever, but let them end this stale mate on their own terms. They deserve to be able to set the pace at their own comfort level. Many spouses in this situation tell me that they aren’t sure how to proceed. They want to understand and respect their spouse’s need for space. But, at the same time, they don’t want to drop out of their spouse’s life so quickly that it appears that they don’t care.

There truly is a fine line. My advice would be to avoid the face to face confrontations until you are invited. It’s probably painful and confusing for your spouse to see you show up at their house unannounced trying to gauge your reaction. Instead, you may want to reach out through text, email, or sending flowers or cards. But don’t be pushy about it. Instead of sending messages that say “how long do you plan to ignore me,” or “you can’t dodge me forever,” you want to keep the message to one that is supportive rather than pressured. You may want to say something like “I respect that you don’t want to see or talk to me right now. But I just want you to know that I do love you and only care about your best interest. Whenever you are ready to talk or have questions, I’m available to you whenever that might be. If there is anything that I can do to help you heal or to offer you any relief, all you have to do is say the word.”

Do you see the difference? You are checking in to show you care and you are offering support and reassurance. But you aren’t pressuring them or trying to make them feel guilty or selfish for their isolation.

I admit that I did ignore my husband for a while after his cheating.  He was pushy at first, but eventually he got the hint that it was better for him when he had patience with me.  As he showed me patience and support, my attitude toward him changed and this was a huge factor in us saving our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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