I Cheated On My Spouse And I Think That I Should Leave Because He Is Too Good For Me

By: Katie Lersch:  There is a perception that people who cheat want to brush their affair under the rug and pretend as if it never happened.  People assume that spouses who are unfaithful don’t truly appreciate the damage that they have caused.

This is true in some cases, but there are plenty of people who have been unfaithful who can think of little else besides the trouble that they have caused.  Some truly come to hate themselves and believe that they no longer deserve their spouse.

Someone might say: “I honestly loathe cheaters.  I have had men cheat on me for my whole entire life and I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would cheat on my husband.  I was traveling for business and my coworker and I went to a bar with a client.  The client was drinking heavily and I guess my coworker and I felt to compelled to do the same so that we wouldn’t offend our client.  We both had too much to drink and ended up sleeping together.  I was so upset by this I left the trip early and came right home and told my husband everything. Needless to say, my husband is horrified and furious at me.  But he can’t be any more angry at me than I am at myself. I have been staying at my mother’s and I have not bothered my husband because I assumed that he did not want to have anything to do with me, which would be understandable.  Last night, my husband called and asked me when I was coming home to talk about things.  I was shocked and I told him I assumed that he would not want to work things out.  He said at this point, he wasn’t sure how things were going to turn out, but he felt that it was bad enough that I cheated, but it’s even worst to lose his marriage so quickly without the chance to see what is going to happen.  He said that he is open to seeing if we can fix things.  I want that, but I honestly can’t in good faith go back there and act like I even deserve my husband because I do not.  I did something so horrible that I honestly think that what I deserve is to be alone. I believe my husband deserves to find someone who is going to be faithful – and someone better than me.  I don’t deserve him.”

The Decision Of Your Husband’s Path Should Be His: I understand why you are angry at yourself, but I think that the decision about what your husband wants to do next should really be up to him.  You may not think that you deserve him, but isn’t that for him to decide?  He’s not making you any promises and he’s not trying to dictate the future.  He’s just saying that he is open to seeing what happens if you’re willing to come home to talk.  If you are both willing, a lot of hard work will follow.  So it is not as if he is not going to ask anything of you or won’t have expectations.

I don’t think that this is a lot to ask and you are not going to know what will happen until you are willing to face him and see where your conversations take you.

Becoming The Person Who Is Deserving: Concerning your belief that you don’t deserve him, here’s my take (and this is only one person’s opinion.) You might feel like you deserved him a bit more if you would face up to what you did and work very hard to become the wife that he deserves. You may not feel like you are that person today. But with work, you could be.

Yes, you made a mistake.  But I don’t know many people who go through their entire marriage without making one.  Your mistake was a big one, which means that you’re making this right is going to require a big effort.  But if your husband is willing to give you that chance, do you really want to hurt him twice by not taking it?

I think that you would less deserving of him if you walk away without standing up to what you did and trying to make it right.  It may or may not work, but at least you would have tried.

Give Yourself Credit For The Good As Well As The Bad: The fact that you are more concerned about your husband’s well being than your own tells me A LOT about the type of person you are.  And it tells me that you truly love your husband and are deeply sorry for what you have done.  Your husband likely sees this also, which may be why he is willing to talk.  You may assume that someone else would be better for him, but you have no way of knowing who he would end up with if you are not willing to work things out with him.  You have no way to know if the new person will care about him as much as you do.

I do not mean to minimize the infidelity.  As someone who has had a spouse who cheated, I don’t diminish the pain and turmoil that this causes.  But I also know that marriages can recover.  My husband has become more than the husband I deserve.  He has proven himself to me over and over again and sometimes I think that I am the lucky one.  With work, your husband may feel the same way.  But only if you do the work and give him the chance.   You can read more about our struggles and triumphs after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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