I Don’t Get the The Hold The Other Woman Has Over My Husband. Why Does She Have So Much Power Over Him?

By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who just do not understand the hold that the “other woman” in the affair has over their husband. Many of these wives tell me that the other woman is not even that pretty, polished, or accomplished. And yet, they are beyond frustrated to see this plain Jane, “nothing special” woman have an undeniable power over their husband because he is pretty much acting like an idiot because of her.

I recently heard from a wife on my surviving the affair blog who said, in part: “I just don’t get the hold this other woman has on my husband or the power she seems to have over him. My husband is a smart and successful man. He doesn’t usually take orders from anyone. He isn’t usually easily impressed. And yet he’s willing to risk nearly everything for this woman. He’s willing to jump through all sorts of hoops or give up his family just to make her happy. I just do not understand it. Is she always going to have this sort of power over him?”

I know that this is a very difficult situation. It is hard to explain why he is acting as he is in logical words because it often doesn’t make any sense at all. And you don’t understand how this fairly typical woman who isn’t a lot different from you has your husband to the point where he becomes a completely different person for her. The thing is, she usually doesn’t have any magical powers, mysterious hold over him, or anything out of the ordinary. But, your husband (and she) may not know this yet. I’ll explain below.

Why Husbands Allow The Other Woman To Have A Hold On Them While They Are Cheating Or Having An Affair: Many wives worry that their husbands are having an epic love affair with their soul mate and therefore, the wife just can not compete. Well, the husband and the other woman can certainly feel that this is true at the time. And the reasons for this are pretty straightforward. Believing that they have something so special that this justifies lying and cheating is in their best interest. They have to build the relationship up to the highest heights in order to justify it. Because if you risked your family and acted downright foolish over a relationship or a person that was nothing special, then what does that say about you?

So you see, he needs to believe that she is worth every risk, every embarrassing act or behavior, and every compromise, especially at first. But that doesn’t mean that he is always going to feel this way or that he will never come to his senses. Over time, sometimes even the most stubborn man can’t deny the obvious. Often the other woman will show her true colors or her true motivations and as the freshness wears off of the relationship, which is when the jig is up.

Understand That The Power That She Thinks She Has Over Him Will Often Fade With Time: I get how hurtful and frustrating it is to watch while your husband makes a mockery of your marriage. He’s often acting like a 17 year old teenager who is getting his first taste of his sexuality. Even if every one is laughing behind his back, he just can’t see it at the time.

The thing is, she might be offering an intense physical relationship, a supposed emotional connection, or something exciting and new in the early days, but she can’t possibly keep this up. Time will make this relationship familiar in the end. That is inevitable. And when the relationship becomes familiar and when she starts to make demands, that is usually when her hold over him will begin to slip just a little. He no longer feels so young, carefree, or alive when he is with her and so he has no incentive to continue to risk everything.

How you handle the situation when her hold over him ends is up to you. Perhaps you might decide that she can have him. Or perhaps you are still very invested in your marriage or your family and are just glad that he comes to his senses when he eventually does.

Either way, you can often take comfort in the fact that it’s often not a question of if this hold over your husband will fade, it’s a question of when. That’s not to say that there are no couples who start their relationship as cheaters who end up with a lasting or real relationship. Some go on to marry the “other woman” but this group is very rare and in the minority. Most of the time, her hold over him ends as soon as the newness or the forbidden nature of the relationship ends. This is usually also around the time that she starts to let down her guard a little bit and begins to make demands or backs off of the “no strings attached” stance that many other women attempt in the beginning.

So to answer the questions posed, there’s not always an easy explanation for the hold she has over him. It often has to do with the promise of a forbidden and intense relationship which makes him feel younger, stronger, and more desirable. Unfortunately for him, these things are fleeting and are destined to fade and fail with time. I know that this may not make you feel better right this second, but I’ll bet it will make you feel a little better when it actually does happen and you feel quite vindicated in the end.

So try to think about the long term rather than the short term because often her hold over him is just as fleeting as the relationship. And saving yourself and your marriage is possible, depending upon your wishes when the smoke clears. I never thought I would stay with my husband or save my marriage, but that’s exactly what happened. If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I recovered after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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