I Feel Like Another Woman Stole My Husband Away. But My Friends Say That A Man Can’t Be Taken, He Must Willingly Leave. Is This True?

By: Katie Lersch: I find that when it comes to anger after a spouse’s affair, you tend to feel more angry at one person over another. Sure, you may be angry with both people – meaning both your husband and the other woman. But, typically the brunt of your anger is higher for one person.

For example, some wives blame their husband the most. These women sometimes don’t care who the other woman is or what she did. They feel that their husband knew better and they ultimately lay most of the blame with him, since the other woman couldn’t have known the true situation with your marriage or with your life. But your husband most certainly does.

Other people take the opposite approach and will believe that the other woman pursued their unwilling husband or somehow manipulated him to participate. A wife might say: “I know that the other woman came on to my husband. I have seen her in action. She has wanted him for years. She has followed him around at work from the first moment she was hired, always wearing her tight clothing and laughing her fake, little girl laugh. In fact, my husband and I used to make fun of her and joke about this. For years, he resisted. But recently I have had to deal with a stressful situation which has taken a lot of my time. I turned my back for an instant, and she finally got him. Not only did he cheat with her, but now he is saying that he is going to live on his own for a while to figure out which direction he wants to take his life. I am terrified that he is going to decide that he wants to be with her. And I admit that I have been calling the other woman and screaming at her. The other day, one of my coworkers walked in and overheard me giving the other woman a piece of my mind. So my friend asked me about the situation and I told her how this tramp stole my husband away. Do you know what my friend’s response was? She said: ‘a man can not be taken or stolen. He willingly goes.’ What do you think of this?”

This is an old saying that many of our grandmothers used. I understand the thinking behind it. The idea is that a woman can’t drag your unwillingly husband off and force him to cheat. She’s not physically forcing him to do anything. Ultimately, he is cheating because he wants to since he has to actively participate.  It would be very difficult for a woman to force a man to have sex with her.  At least that is the thinking behind the saying.

I do understand this and I can’t argue with it, really. But I also think that there are women out there who set a man in their sights and who relentlessly pursue him even when he has told her no over and over again.

Yes, the man is at fault if he is ultimately worn down and he gives and is unfaithful. That is his fault regardless. But, at the same time, you could argue that he never would have cheated in the first place if she had not so aggressively pursued him.

And I do think that there is a difference between a married man who went looking for an affair and one who reacted to a woman’s advances. Neither man is any less guilty. And both situations can ruin marriages. But one scenario shows prior intent and willful actions while the other does not. To me, there is a slight difference, although that difference often doesn’t matter very much when you are the wife who has been hurt. And most people come to realize that the in the end, the circumstances of the affair don’t matter as much as how you deal with it. Because regardless of how it happened, both scenarios leave you with a serious betrayal and damage to your marriage. And recovery is going to be similar in both situations.

So while I would agree that it definitely takes two willing people to cheat, I also know for a fact that there are some women who are well aware that a man is married and they relentlessly pursue him anyway. The man is no less guilty when he gives in. But the woman’s behavior is also deplorable and you can’t blame a wife for being furious.

I honestly find it hideous for one adult woman to knowingly do this to another.  But I suppose that this is another topic for another day.  My anger was directed at the other woman, but only once I got information that I didn’t know about her.  This actually set me back because I’d started to recover.  And then I made a decision that I was join going to place my focus on myself first.  I was not going to give her any more power. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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