I Feel So Cheap After Having An Affair: Tips And Insights That Might Help
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are experiencing extremely negative feelings and deep shame after having an affair. And, many of them are wondering how they can move past this because they know that all of this negativity is really serving no purpose and isn’t help them in any way.
I heard from a wife who said: “I feel like such a cheap, low life for cheating on my husband. I am so embarrassed by this. My husband lost his job last year and I had to go back to work. I am college educated and used to have a career until my children were born. But when it become clear that I needed to work to help with the bills, I decided to work at a restaurant so that I could have very flexible hours. It is a job that I never would have taken if we didn’t need the money so badly. I ended up having an affair with my boss, who manages the restaurant. Honestly, the other man isn’t anyone that I would have associated with before, much less have been attracted to. I have never cheated on anyone before. This is so out of character for me. I feel like a cheap person who has no integrity. In order to return some of that integrity, I told my husband everything. Now, when he looks at me, I can see distaste in his eyes. I can’t really blame him. If he came home and told me that he had an affair with a waitress, I would feel the same way that he feels right now. Because of my affair, I feel like I don’t deserve my husband. I honestly feel like I don’t deserve my kids. I feel like I am of a lower class and not as high quality of a person as the rest of my family. And I am not sure if I am ever going to get over this. What can I do?”
My heart went out to this woman. Even though I was on the other side of this situation as the spouse who was cheated on, it was still obvious to me that this woman was truly sorry and truly struggling. And frankly, as horrible of a mistake as infidelity can be, I’m not sure that anyone should have to pay for it for the rest of their life. And I certainly didn’t want this wife’s doubts and fears to affect her ability to parent and to enjoy her children. So in the following article, I will offer some insights that I hope will help in this situation.
Know That You Can’t The Affair Back, But You Can Work Very Hard To Make It Right: Some people become so discouraged in this situation because they know that they can never take the affair back. They know that no matter what they do or say, that this is always going to be between them and their spouse. And they will always know that they made this mistake that hurt so many people.
All of these things are true, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t do everything in your power to make this right again. No, you can’t change what you did. But you can do quite a lot to diminish the effects of your actions. You can work tirelessly to repair your marriage. And you can be determined to uncover why you cheated so that you can tell your spouse with complete honestly that you will never do it again.
I suspected that the stress of her financial situation left this wife vulnerable to her unfortunate decisions, but this isn’t always the whole story. Plenty of people experience stress and don’t step over the line. So you will want to take a close look at what might have contributed to this and then fix it. That way, you don’t have to continue to walk around worrying that you are damaged beyond all repair.
Frankly, a lack of self esteem is one of the things that can contribute to infidelity and failed marriages so you don’t want to add this to the list of things that you already have to overcome. Do whatever you need to do in order to feel that you have made a valiant effort to make this situation as benign as it can possibly be. Strive to be the best spouse as is possible. Conduct yourself with dignity and respect from today forward. Vow that your children will not pay the price for your one mistake. Get help if you need it because your mental and emotional health is worth it.
Yes, infidelity is a huge mistake with far reaching consequences. But if you don’t do whatever you need to do to heal and to move forward, then you will pay for it for the rest of your life and, as a result, your family will pay for it too. It’s my opinion that the best thing that you can do is to pick yourself up and vow to become the best person, spouse, and parent that you can be. Otherwise, the mistake just continues to hurt you and the people that you love and that just isn’t fair. Nor does it benefit anyone.
Honestly, as angry as I was after my husband’s affair, I would never have wanted him to feel this badly about himself. I always knew that he was a very good person who made a very bad mistake. And because I knew that he was a good person with a lot of wonderful attributes, I was willing to give him another chance. And I have never been sorry. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com
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