I Feel So Stupid After My Husband Cheated And Had An Affair

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who describe themselves as “naive” or “stupid” after they realize that their husband has been cheating or having an affair.  They often become angry with themselves for not seeing it coming or for not being more suspicious.  They often blame themselves just as much as they blame their husbands.

I heard from a wife who said: “last week, a woman called me at home and told me that she had been having an affair with my husband.  She is a member of his service club so every time I thought he was getting together with his male friends to do good deeds or to make a difference in his community, he was actually meeting with her and cheating.  Now that I am beginning to put the pieces of the puzzle together, I realize that I have missed many warning signs.  He was always claiming to stay late at work.  He started going to service meetings about twice as often, and he hasn’t had nearly as much interest in me for the past few months.  I told myself that he was stressed because of his increased work load but this was just me trying to make excuses for him.  I truly feel so stupid.  I am so angry at myself.  Will I ever stop feeling this way?  I’m not sure if I will ever trust a man again because I am not sure if I trust myself to see the signs right in front of me.”

I felt so deeply for this wife.  Because if I’m being honest, I have to tell you that nearly all faithful wives feel this way at some point if the affair caught them off guard.  However, although I can identify with these feelings, I also strongly disagree with them.  I’ll explain why in the following article.

Trusting In And Wanting To Believe The Best About Your Husband Does Not Make You Stupid:  

Please don’t be too hard on yourself.  You didn’t see this coming because you didn’t want to think the worst of your husband.  You expected the best of him and you trusted him because that is what you are supposed to do in a healthy and happy marriage.  Being constantly suspicious and accusatory is damaging to your marriage.  The fact that you only saw the good in him and in your marriage says a lot about you as a person.  And I mean this is a good way.  It makes you loving and optimistic.  It doesn’t make you stupid.

Why It Would Be Silly And Detrimental For You To Blame Yourself:

Let’s think for a second about whose behavior was stupid.  Was the wife the one who betrayed her marriage vows while carrying on with someone else?  Was the wife the one who lied to her spouse on a continuous basis?  Was the wife the one who pulled away from her spouse while forging along with someone else?  The answer to all of these questions is no.  The husband and the other woman both participated in actions that were neither honorable nor smart.  So if anyone is lacking in judgment or intellect here, it is certainly not the wife, it is the parties who were unfaithful and deceptive.

For your own self preservation, make sure that you place the blame where it belongs.  Because it does not belong with you. The truth is, you did absolutely nothing wrong.  You believed in your marriage and in your spouse.  And there is nothing wrong with that.

Why Rebuilding Your Self Esteem Should Be Part Of Your Recovery:

Hopefully, this article has changed your thinking somewhat.  It isn’t fair for you to feel badly about yourself or in any way responsible.  However, you can know this intellectually but be unable to put it into action in your day to day life.

That’s why it’s imperative that you rebuild your self esteem no matter what you decide to do about your marriage.  You don’t deserve to be wounded more than you already have.  And not believing in yourself is wounding you.

I will admit that I felt stupid on many levels after my own husband’s affair.  And even as we tried very hard to restore our marriage (and actually made some progress,) I continued to feel badly and my self esteem continued to plummet.  I got pretty tired of this cycle, so I decided to take action and to make some changes.  I returned to school and started a career that I always wanted to pursue.  These things helped me a lot and proved to me that by no means was I stupid or incapable.  And I’m glad I did this work because it allowed me to move forward in my marriage.  It gave me the confidence to know that I could handle myself no matter what.

If you need to do some work on your life or on your self esteem, please give yourself permission to do so.  Because no matter what you want to happen with your marriage, you will likely remain stuck if you don’t restore your belief in yourself and in your own abilities.  And your husband’s actions and decisions really have nothing to do with your own worth or with your own abilities.

I hope I’ve shown you that although your husband did a stupid thing, this certainly doesn’t affect your intellect.  I know that this is a difficult time, but know that you have control over your own healing.  It’s my experience that things do get better and this will happen more quickly if you take the initiative and refuse to blame yourself.  I learned this firsthand and I find it to be true much of the time.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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