I Find Myself Always Bringing Up My Husband’s Affair. How Can I Stop This?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are having a hard time keeping quiet about their husband’s affair. This can be true even when the affair has long been over and a good amount of time has passed. Many times, the wives truly do want to move on, but they can’t seem to do so and one way that this manifests itself is by them constantly making snide comments about their husband and his affair.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband’s affair has been over for over a year. I should have processed it more than I have by now. We are trying to save our marriage and move on. I truly am committed to doing that but I don’t always act like it. I always find myself making mean, sarcastic and snide comments to my husband about his affair. For example, if he calls to say he’s caught up at work, I will say something like ‘sure you are. How do I even know that is true?’ Or, if he so much as looks at another woman I will say ‘is she your next affair?’ A final example is if my husband compliments me in any way I’ll say something like ‘yeah sure, I’ll bet that’s what you were thinking about me when you slept with someone else.’ I know these comments are uncalled for and only make things worse, but I can’t seem to stop myself.”

Boy, do I understand this issue. I have been there myself. And it is not at all uncommon. I would say it’s a rare wife that doesn’t make at least a few snide comments or who occasionally brings up the affair. You can’t be expected to just never worry about or bring it up again. But, when it becomes almost obsessive or you feel that it really is causing problems or making the situation worse, then it’s time to address it, which I will attempt to help you do below.

Ask Yourself If You Keep Making Remarks Because Of Unresolved Issues: Often, when you find yourself unable to quite making those snide little comments, it’s not because you are an evil person or that you will never heal or get over this. Instead, it’s possible that these comments are coming about because you have doubts or concerns about issues that keep coming up. Do you still not trust your husband? Do you still worry that he’s not sorry or remorseful enough? Is it a concern that he will cheat again? Do you worry that he’s telling little white lies that will lead to bigger lies like more infidelity?

Because very often, your comments are a way of attempting to get a reaction or response out of your husband. And many times, you’re hoping that this response will lead the way to the change that you have been wanting but have not yet seen.

What To Do If You Want To Stop Constantly Making Comments About The Affair: As I alluded to before, ask yourself if your comments are the result of unresolved issues and then try to solve those issues. If you can do this, you might find that the comments stop, or at least slow down.

However, if they are still a problem. Then try these strategies to get some relief. Pause whenever a comment pops into your head and then stop for a second and ask yourself what you really want to say. For example, a comment like “sure, you think I’m pretty. Is that why you cheated on me?” might be a front for concerns like: is he still attracted to and committed to me? Can I trust him to tell me the truth?

You might want to find a time when you can freely say what you really want to ask. That way, those comments that are really meant to ask or express something else won’t need to come out quite so much. If all else fails, train yourself to pause, count to 10, or change the subject when you are tempted to make a comment. Then, ask yourself if you could ask the question you really want to ask or if your comment was really meant to just blow off steam or serve any purpose.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I understand the temptation and even the need to make these comments. And I know how it feels not to be able to stop or control them. But I also know that they don’t really serve any purpose, rather than to keep the pain and frustration going. I also know that you can learn different behaviors that are more productive to you and your marriage.

When my husband’s affair was still fresh, I did constantly make a lot of sarcastic and hurtful comments. But eventually I vowed to be very conscious of myself doing this and I forced myself to say what was really on my mind. That helped tremendously and it was one of the first steps toward my healing and moving on. If it helps you can read that whole personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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