I Just Found Out About The Affair, But I Feel Like My Marriage Has Already Been Over For A Long Time Anyway

By: Katie Lersch:  I believe that it is an untrue myth that all people are shocked when they find out that their spouse has an affair.  Some people truly see it coming and honestly believe that it inevitable before it actually happens.  They know that their marriage or their spouse is struggling.  Or, they see their spouse becoming distant and unreachable.

They also often can’t help but notice that he’s not coming home as early or as often.  So, while they may not officially “know” about the affair, many are not surprised when they officially find out about it. They knew that their marriage was in trouble and that their spouse wasn’t happy.

So when the affair happens and is actually discovered, the faithful spouse may not be shocked.  And they may not even be that upset.  They may be resigned because they figure their marriage felt like it was ending anyway.

That’s why we can try to console ourselves with the claim that this is no big loss.  A wife might say: “I can’t claim that I knew my husband was cheating.  I didn’t.  Not really. He didn’t leave any obvious clues and he wasn’t being any colder to me than he usually is.  But I’m not completely surprised because our marriage has been bad for some time.  I feel like our marriage has been ending for quite a while, especially on his end of things. I’m still disappointed though.  And I’m especially shocked that now he’s asking me to give him another chance.  He hasn’t been interested in our marriage in years and suddenly he wants to fight to keep it in tact?  I don’t get that. I’m sad thinking that this might be the end of our marriage, but I can’t imagine how we’ll make it after the affair.  I feel like the affair was the final blow to our marriage.”

You have every right to feel this way. And you get to decide the fate of your marriage since you are the one who has to live with or without it.  Many people can look back at their marriage after a huge stressor like this and see that the cracks were beginning to show long before an affair surfaced.

Determining Your True Stand On This:  Believe it or not, an affair doesn’t always mean that the affair has to be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.  If you are absolutely sure that you are no are no longer invested and you feel at peace with it ending, then perhaps the marriage has met its natural end.  But if you are experiencing sadness and some hesitation, then that may be an indication that there is something left to save.

I also find it interesting that your husband is begging you not to end things.  Your perception is that he checked out long ago.  However, he is clearly no longer checked out if he is begging you to being open about the future of your marriage.  Either the idea of losing you has changed his mind or he wasn’t as checked out as you thought.

And your reaction – the sadness – may indicate that you may not be as indifferent as you thought. Of course, the ultimate decision is yours.  You are the only one who can sort out your feelings and decide what is ultimately going to make you the most happy and at peace.

Some people decide that they just do not want to invest the time and energy into a spouse who betrayed them.  And others start to experience a doubt, a sadness, and a sense of loss and they start to wonder why.  They start to ask themselves if these strong feelings indicate that they may be more invested than they originally thought.

I often suggest not making knee jerk decisions after the discovery of the affair.  The reason is that you are often flooded with emotions.  And it can take some time to figure out which ones are real and which ones count the most.  You often are going to need some time to sort out what you really and truly want to do.

Sometimes, an affair is the stimulus for both people to fight for the marriage that they were sure was dead or ending.  And for others, it is the final straw.  It is thing that puts an end to a marriage that was already struggling.  For others, it is a signal to pay attention and get real about the state of what you truly want.

The good news is that you get to decide which of the above is right for you. There is no right or wrong here.  There is only what is ultimately going to make you the most content. Often, none of the decisions are perfect.  Saving your marriage is a lot of work.  But giving it up is sad.  Many feel that the hard work is worth is, but some are just not willing to do it under such circumstances.

Ultimately, I decided to fight for my marriage, although if I’m being honest, I had my doubts that we would be successful.  But we were successful and I’m glad I was open to that. I outline why I think we made it on my blog.

Comments are closed.

  • RSS Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

  • Recent Posts

  • Recent Posts