I Regret Accusing My Husband Of Cheating. But He Has Cheated Before

By: Katie Lersch: It’s normal to watch your spouse very closely when they have already cheated on you once. It would be silly not to watch and to just assume that everything is fine. Unfortunately, many of us become hyper-vigilant – so much so that many of us see cheating where none exists. And sometimes, this leads you to accuse your spouse of cheating when in fact he isn’t.

A wife might say: “the pain that I felt over my husband’s affair is indescribable. Honestly, I really considered divorcing my husband over his affair. I just didn’t know that I could ever trust him again.  I doubted if I would ever want to.  But he begged me to give him a chance to prove to me that we could make it work. He agreed to counseling and we did go for a while, but once I felt we made progress, we eventually stopped. I found the counseling painful. But I am glad we did it. For a while, I felt that we would make it. We had overcome so much. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed my husband talking on the phone in the bedroom with the door closed. Of course, this immediately worried me. I was sure that he was cheating again. I didn’t say anything at first because I hoped that it was an isolated incident and innocent. But it went on and on. Once I couldn’t take it anymore, I barged in and started yelling at him. He told the person on the phone that he would call them back. Then he frustratingly told me that he was on the phone with his boss and that I could check his call logs. He said they’ve been dealing with a difficult issue at work. Well, I did check his call log and I googled the number and that number is indeed listed for his boss. Now, I feel awful that I doubted him and that I didn’t just ask in the beginning instead of barging in. Plus, I’m embarrassed at the thought of ever facing his boss again. Is is always going to be like this?”

You Don’t Have To Apologize For Feelings That Are Normal And Understandable: It doesn’t have to always be that way. As you said, you can vow to ask when things bother you. And you can be careful of your tone when you ask. But quite frankly, I don’t think there is any reason to be so hard on yourself. Your suspicions are normal. I think that most wives go through this during recovery. And your husband should almost expect it. Because it’s just the cost of having an affair.

Now, as time goes by and your husband proves himself trustworthy, I would suspect that your suspicions are going to wane and you are not going to have nearly as many – if any – dramatic reactions like this. But, things are still fresh.

Offering Clarification: If it’s bothering you, then you can certainly address it with him by trying something like: “I’m sorry I barged into your conversation with your boss. I wish you would have explained who were talking to in the beginning. Because you have to understand that when it appears that you are doing something in secret, I’m going to be concerned. It’s just normal for me to not want to be shocked and hurt like I was the last time. Yes, I should have asked you if I had concerns. But it would make things easier if you didn’t have closed door conversations or, if you need to have them, then explain what they are so that I don’t have to worry. This is just going to need to be part of the process until we completely restore the trust.”

A man who is accountable and who is taking responsibility for his affair will ultimately understand this, even if he is understandably frustrated with how this has turned out. Because it was his actions that contributed to your thought process.

I know this is a discouraging situation. But things like this can sometimes happen and the way to move past it is to explain, come to a resolution, and then move on in such a way that hopefully it doesn’t happen again. Every time these things come up and you and your spouse are able to come to a healthy resolution, you get stronger.

The key is to communicate and don’t just allow the anger, the lack of trust, and the misunderstanding to stop your progress. Keep talking. Keep explaining and negotiating so that you are both comfortable. You can’t expect for the recovery process to always be smooth sailing. But navigating the choppy waters strengthens you.

Eventually, you might come to a place where you decide that you will trust your husband until he gives you a reason not to. But, if you are not at this place yet, there is no need to apologize for that. Just explain why he got the reaction that he did, make a better plan for the future, and move on. As you get stronger and stronger, these incidents will become less.

I had these type of incidents in my recovery also.  But you just have to move past them, know that there may be more in the future, and learn. Each time we were able to recover, we had more confidence the next time.  It got easier and easier over time. You can read more about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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