I Told My Husband To Move Out After His Affair. But Now I Miss Him

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who felt very justified in kicking their husband out after the discovery of his affair. But, now they are starting to second guess that decision because his absence is very difficult. In short, the wife misses the husband much more than she ever thought possible. And she wonders what this means in terms of her marriage and in terms of her recovery.

An example of a comment in this situation is something like: “I didn’t hesitate for a second when I kicked my husband out of the house after he confessed to an affair. Obviously, he wasn’t expecting for me to ask him to leave. I’m convinced that if he thought there was any chance that he would lose me over this, he never would have confessed. However, I knew right away that I wanted him out of my house. I have made it clear from the start that I would not tolerate cheating. When I asked him to leave, my husband protested and begged me to reconsider. But eventually, it became clear that I wasn’t going to change my mind and he finally left. And I felt very good about my having the conviction to stick to what I’ve always said – that cheating is a deal breaker. But now that he’s been gone for a couple of weeks and he keeps leaving me messages and texts, I realize that I miss him horribly. Just not having his presence here makes the house feel so lonely. Frankly, I hate being alone. I hate sleeping by myself. I miss having someone to snuggle with and to watch TV with. And I am mad at myself about this. But I can’t deny it. What does missing him really mean? Does it just mean that I will eventually adjust? Does it mean I’m not as strong as I thought? Does it mean that I should try to save my marriage?” I’ll try to address these questions in the following article.

It’s Normal To Miss Your Husband, Even After An Affair: Here’s something that not every one is going to tell you about an affair. Yes, you are angry at your husband. Yes, you have every reason to not want him around you. But, because very often the discovery of the affair happens so quickly, that it’s not like you can stop loving your husband in an instant. One day you might think that your life is just fine and that your marriage, although it isn’t perfect, is hanging in there. And then all of a sudden everything that you thought you knew is shown to be wrong. This happens over the course of minutes, hours, or mere days. That’s not nearly enough time for you to process this. And how are you supposed to just turn off the love that you feel for your husband?  Unfortunately, love is not something that you can just turn off and on.

This May Or May Not Have Implications For Your Marriage: People save their marriages after affairs every day. Some couples go on to have a very fulfilling and even an improved marriage. I am one of those people. I can not tell you that saving your marriage isn’t hard work because it is. But it helps if the love is still there. Missing your husband is not always a sure sign that the love is still there. But it can be. However, with this said, I don’t believe that this is something that you necessarily need to decide right now, which leads me to my next point.

Why I Think It’s Best To Give Yourself The Time To Determine What This Really Means: Missing your husband doesn’t mean that you’re not going to be fine on your own. It doesn’t mean that you won’t ever recover. Nor does it mean that you will necessarily choose save your marriage. It’s just a feeling that you want to be aware of as you process this. You may decide to listen to these feelings and to be a little more open to your husband as he tries to contact you. Or, you may decide that although you absolutely miss him and may even still love him, then this is a deal breaker that you can never get over.

However, these are decisions that you often can not make when the affair is still very fresh. And, you have no way of knowing if your husband is going to be willing to rehabilitate himself or to work very hard to discover why this might have happened so that you can both keep it from happening again. Missing him can be promising when you want to save your marriage. But when you aren’t sure, it’s sometimes just one more clue in a bunch of them that are going to be coming at you.

My best advice to is to notice what is happening and then to watch very closely as things begin to play out in the present. You may decide that you want to give him a chance to see if he will rise to the occasion. Or, you may decide that you will work very hard to move on, even if you miss him. But I think it’s fairly obvious that at this point, it may be a little soon to tell. Often, your feelings and your intentions can change quite dramatically as this progresses along.

I wanted nothing to do with my own husband after his affair.  But gradually, as reality set in, I decided to be a little more open and to at least give him the chance to prove to me that he could be rehabilitated.  This was the right decision for me and I’ve never regretted it.  But everyone has to make their own choice.  What is right for me may not be right for you. Only you know what is best for you.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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