I Told The Other Woman She Should Be Ashamed Of Herself But She Said She’s Not Ashamed Of Anything

By: Katie Lersch: When you are a wife who is dealing with infidelity in your marriage, the lack of morals exhibited in your husband and the other woman can trouble you deeply. It’s normal to wonder just how one woman could do this to another.  We often find the other woman’s lack of concern that the husband is married appalling and we wonder how she can look in the mirror or hold her head high.

Many wives want to tell her what they think about this. And many wives are hoping or expecting to get an apology – or at least an explanation. But not all of these confronted other women respond in the way that you would hope or expect. Some of them become defensive, defiant, and rude.

You may have a situation like this one. A wife might explain: “honestly, I am so sick of seeing these smug, adulterous celebrities steal a man away from a wife and act all smug about it. We have Tori Spelling, LeAnn Rhymes, Megan Fox and even Angelina Jolie who act like they’ve loving wives when truly, they are nothing but home wreckers. They knowingly and willingly got involved with a married man and then, rather than being ashamed of their behavior and living quietly, they act as if they’ve done something wonderful and that we are all supposed to ignore their terrible behavior. They act as if they are proud of themselves when they should be very ashamed. The woman who cheated with my husband knows my family. She knows my children. And I have read texts and emails where she is clearly the aggressor. My husband and I are trying to work things out, but will she leave us alone? No, she won’t. My husband had to change his number and she will still leave notes on his car. I tried to let this pass and stay quiet, but she continues to try to contact him. It got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore, so I called her. When she answered, everything just poured out of me. I told her that she should be ashamed of herself. I asked her why she couldn’t find a single man who is her own age to target. I asked her whether she got some cheap thrill out of potentially breaking up a family and I told her that bad karma was going to follow her around. She told me that she wasn’t ashamed in the least and that if I had kept my husband happy, then she would not have been successful in getting him to cheat. She basically told me that all was fair in love and war. And she said that my lashing out at her only motivated her more. How can I get her to be ashamed of her deplorable behavior?”

Understand Why You Might Be Feeding Right Into Her Plan: I understand why you want to make her see your point of view. But in my experience, you are probably wasting your time. People like her live in their own worlds. They do not operate within the same moral code as most people. They do not have the same levels of conscience and guilt. And frankly, when they know that they are reeking havoc and creating misery, this is when they are the most happy.

I know that you feel the need to “make” her see your point of view, but you can’t make her do anything. And by trying, you’re probably only making her happy and giving her what she wants. Your showing her that she’s gotten to you and is continuing to do so.

How You Can Try To Flip This To Your Advantage: Now, what I am going to say right now is going to sound impossible and wrong. But, if you truly want to annoy and anger her, the most effective way to do it is ignore her and to rebuild a happy life that does not include her. And it is also the best way to make her ashamed of her behavior. Why? Because she will see that she created all of this pain for absolutely nothing.

She didn’t end up with the relationship with your husband and all of her efforts fell flat. In fact, it was all a waste. I know that it is very hard to ignore her while she is actively trying to remain in you or your husband’s life. But ignoring her is the fastest way to make her stop. Once she sees that there is not any pay off, it is harder to continue on. It starts to become a waste of time and energy.

Of course, if she is truly trespassing or taking things too far, then you can ask the authorities about your rights and responsibilities. But most of the time, people will stop when they see that they are just wasting their time. When she gets a reaction out of you, she doesn’t think that she’s wasting her time because she’s still getting the pay off. She’s still getting that reaction.

I know that this is hard. But the best revenge is to not let her continue to hurt and affect you. Take your life back. Even if you are not sure about your marriage, you can be sure about yourself. You can vow that she does not have the right to derail your day to day life. You can tell yourself that you will no longer be thrown off course by her behavior.

A person can only feel shame if they have the psychological capability to do so and if enough time has passed for them to see things clearly. It may be that not enough time has passed yet. But, frankly, her thoughts and realizations should not be your concern.

You have enough to worry about and it is best to start with yourself. Because, try as you might, you can not control the thoughts and behaviors of other people. But you have the ability to do this with yourself. But trying to change things through her is often a waste of time and it will only make you more frustrated while giving her more power.

It took me a while to come to this realization, but somewhere along the line, I decided that I wasn’t going to let the other woman have one more second of my thoughts and my emotional energy.  Once I made this shift, things dramatically changed. You can read more about that process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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