By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are adamant that they want a face to face meeting with the woman who cheated with their husband because she wants a heartfelt apology. I heard from a wife who said: “I actually knew the other woman. She lives in our neighborhood and she works out at our gym. It’s not as if we are next door neighbors or best friends or anything like that. But we are acquaintances. I was in a car accident and in the hospital when she came over with a covered dish and obviously with something else for my husband and this is how the affair started. I feel so betrayed and hurt by this. When I was the most vulnerable, this nasty woman took advantage of this and then started an affair with my husband. As soon as I found out, my husband said he would immediately end things and even move if I wanted. Well, I don’t want to move. This is my home. If anyone should move, it is her. What I really want is for her to come into my home or the scene of the crime so to speak, look me in the eye, and give me a heartfelt apology. Because I really want to ask her how she could come into an injured and hospitalized woman’s home and behave this way. However, when I shared my thoughts with my husband, he felt that this was a bad idea. He said why even continue to have any contact at all with her and he said that he feels that she won’t be apologetic anyway. Is he right? Do I deserve an apology? Should I demand one?”
Although You Deserve An Apology, She May Not Have The Desire To Offer You One: Here is my opinion as someone who has been there. I absolutely believe that you deserve an apology and I understand why you want one. You feel as if you need to look her in the eye and make her understand how heinous and deplorable her actions actually were. You want to see at least some form of remorse or acknowledgement in her eyes. Unfortunately though, it’s my observation that you are rarely going to get what you need from her, especially in this case. Think about it. We are talking about a woman who is so calculating and ruthless that she was preying on a husband with a wife in the hospital. (I’m not saying that the husband is not partly to blame but clearly, he did not initiate the contact.)
Another consideration is that very often, she will be defensive. Often, she will set it up so that the wife is in some way to blame. You often hear women who are fond of cheating with married men say things like: “well if she would have taken care of her husband, she wouldn’t have had to worry about me.” Or “well if she had kept her man happy, then no other woman could have turned his head.” I am not saying that these phrases or accurate and not downright nasty, but this is what you will often hear.
By Asking For An Apology, You’re Letting Her Into Your Life. And You Might Not Get The Closure That You’re Hoping For When You’re Dealing With Someone Like This: Frankly, initiating contact with her is, at least in my opinion, continuing to allow her into your life. I know that you hope that you might gain some ground or reclaim your self esteem if you look at her eye to eye. But if I am being honest with you, I have to tell you that these meetings often do not go well and they do not provide the closure that the wife usually hopes for. Sometimes, the other woman will be downright nasty and will actually try to say the most hurtful things imaginable. Other times, she will try to make it sound like your husband was the aggressor. She might even insinuate that the affair is still going on. Sometimes, she whips out photos and texts. It is not unusual for these meetings to turn into a physical altercation. Who needs that?
My Opinion: It’s my opinion that you deserve an apology from two people but you should only seek it from one – your husband. Because moving forward, he is the only one who you should be in continued contact with. Ideally, you want to move on with your life and stop all contact with this woman. But, whether you save your marriage or not, it’s a safe bet that, especially if you have children, you will still be in contact with your husband. It is the relationship with him that matters because with a little work, she should only be a tiny blip in your life. Don’t give her any more time than she has already taken. Don’t allow her to continue to impede into your life and into your mind. Leave her behind and realize that women like this often do not see where they are wrong anyway. And that means that they are not likely to give you the apology that you want.
I fixated on the other woman for a long time. But one day, I realized that I spent more time thinking about her than I was spending on my healing. And I realized how backward that was. So, I vowed to leave her behind and to focus on me. And that was the best decision I ever made. If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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