By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are fed up with their husband’s affair. Often, when the husband shows some reluctance or resistance to ending the affair, the wife is understandably hurt and wants revenge. And the first thing that will often come to the wife’s mind is to contact the other woman’s husband and fill him in on all the dirty details. She figures this is one way to ensure that the mistress will have to pay at least some price or will be held accountable for her actions.
I heard from a wife who said: “my husband has been having a six month affair with a sales representative for his office. When I confronted him, he said he was going to need time to decide what he wanted to do in terms of our marriage. I think that he is saying this because he doesn’t want to break things off. I am almost positive that he is still seeing her. I have looked her up on Facebook and there are all these pictures of her happy family. It would be so easy for me to send her husband a message and let him know all about the affair. But my girlfriends and coworkers have cautioned me against this. They ask me why do I want for that poor guy to feel the pain that I am feeling? It’s not that I want to hurt him because I most certainly do not. I wouldn’t wish this sort of pain on anyone. But, I just want the other woman to be accountable. Is this so much to ask?”
As a woman who has been cheated on, I can answer that no, I do not think that this is too much to ask. But, having gone through this myself and seeing countless others go through this on my blog I can tell you that making her marriage your business is often a bad idea that usually doesn’t even give you the relief or the vindication that you were hoping for in the first place. I will tell you why in the following article.
How Do You Know That He Isn’t Already Aware Of The Affair?: I’m not trying to be respectful when I ask you this. It’s not a sarcastic question. The thing is, you can’t possibly know what is going on in someone else’s marriage. And just because there are happy pictures on Facebook, that doesn’t mean that there is a happy reality. After all, few couples air their dirty laundry on Facebook. I doubt that the husband would chose that format to announce that his wife has been cheating. More than a few people have told me that they contacted the husband expecting to drop a bombshell only to learn that either he already knew, or that he wasn’t too happy about being told. Many wives have a very nasty experience because of this. And this is tough when you already feel so badly because of your own marriage and were looking for some relief. Another consideration is that they might have an “open” marriage or he might have cheated himself. You just don’t know.
Consider That Perhaps Their Marriage Shouldn’t Be Your Concern: I promise that I’m not being flip when I suggest that you already have a lot on your plate right now. I’ve been in this situation and I know that lashing out or trying to even the playing field can feel quite just. Many wives in this situation tell me that karma is part of their justification because they feel that the wife deserves for her marriage to be shaken to the core. And perhaps she does. But how about the karma that you are unleashing by inserting yourself in someone else’s marriage? The universe will likely dole out karma. And, if he doesn’t already know, her husband will likely eventually find out in another time and in another way. But, you can’t possibly know their situation. And frankly, you probably already have enough to deal with, which leads me to my next point.
Your Biggest Concern Should Be Yourself And Your Own Progress: Whether you want to save your marriage or not, you have a larger concern than this woman or her husband. And that is yourself. When you place your focus on evening the score or on causing someone else pain, you delay or detract from your own healing. The best thing that you can do is to let her go and to move on as soon as you possibly can. Hopefully, your husband will do the same. But until then, do not let this third party into your own personal space. Thinking about her and actively seeking revenge are all still allowing her to infringe upon your life and upon your own happiness. I know that you might not believe this right now, but I promise you that your best revenge is your own happiness and your own well being. Allow them their disfunction and chaos. But that is the last thing that you need or want right now.
I know that it is very easy to dwell on the other woman and to want revenge. But living well and being happy is the sweetest revenge of all. I learned this the hard way. If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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