If A Cheating Man Is Confronted By His Wife, How Would He Act If He Was Guilty? I Think He Protests Too Much

By: Katie Lersch: I find that very few wives ask their husband if he is cheating on the spur of the moment.  Many wives give this very careful consideration.  After all, no one wants to falsely accuse someone of something as serious as infidelity.  Plus, if you are wrong and you accuse your husband of this and he is innocent, it could seriously damage your marriage.

So many wives will watch and wait.  They will gather evidence.  And they will mount suspicions that he can no longer ignore.  Sometimes they will get up their courage to confront him, only to lose it again.  In time, it will get to the point where they can’t take it any longer or he will do something that makes confronting him unavoidable.  Still, sometimes the wife still isn’t absolutely sure that she is right. And so she will try to gauge his reaction as further evidence that he is cheating.

When she doesn’t like his reaction, she will confront him on that, too – telling him that an innocent man wouldn’t act in the way that he is.  After the dust settles, she may wonder how an innocent man might act.

She might say: “my husband started acting strange about six weeks ago – shortly after he got a promotion at his job. He started staying late for work. He started dressing much better.  I caught him up in the middle of the night texting someone.  He would go to the office on weekends, which had never happened before.  He started working out.  Then one day I was running errands and I saw him at a restaurant with another woman.  They weren’t touching.  But there was something so intimate in their conversation and body language that I knew they were having an affair.  I got so upset that I did not even approach them.  But that night, when we were eating dinner, I told him what I had saw.  He was furious that I left without saying anything.  And he was very angry that I was accusing him of such a lack of integrity.  He said that he is trying to fit in with his new position which means that he has to work more and dress better.  He said the woman was a co-worker and that they have never even touched other than shaking hands. He went on and on for half an hour and all but threatened me that I had better not bring it up again.  My husband is generally a laid-back kid of guy.  He is not someone who gets angry in that way.  His over-the-top response almost confirms for me that he is indeed cheating.  But when I told him this, he says that the opposite should be true.  He says that it is the innocent man who is angry.  But anger is not common for my husband.  I think he protests too much.  How do men typically act when they are accused of cheating and are in fact guilty.  Does an innocent man act differently than a cheating man?”

Reactions Vary: Honestly, the reactions that you get vary just like the personalities and the men themselves.  Sometimes, perfectly innocent men will tend to overreact, while guilty men will seamlessly, calmly, and convincingly claim their innocence.  A guilty man can talk about the affair endlessly, while an innocent one will change the subject immediately.  You can’t always tell innocence or guilt based on these reactions.

Body Language Can Be Telling: Now, body language experts will tell you that there are usually always tell-tale signs that someone is lying.  Someone who is lying will look away slightly.  They will purse their lips.  They will clasp hands or tense their shoulders.  They will set their jaw.  Some will even smile when their words sound anything but happy.  However, often the confrontation happens so fast that you aren’t able to analyze posture and facial expressions.

Watch His Behavior Moving Forward: One thing that the confrontation can do is to shake the tree a bit.   He knows what you suspect and now it will be interesting to see if he changes his routines at all.  If everything is legitimately innocent, he may not change. But if he is cheating and doesn’t care if you know, then you may see the same reaction.

Make Yourself Visible: Here is one thing that I know for sure.  An affair has a way of coming out.  People slip up.  Or they decide to confess.  If he is cheating, you will likely eventually find out.  But if he is otherwise acting normally toward you, is being attentive, then it makes sense to try to make yourself visible by taking him to lunch one day so that perhaps the other woman / coworker can see that your marriage is very much current and on track.  If he’s willing to let this scenario play out, then this would tend to indicate that he is not cheating and doesn’t care if she sees you or knows that he’s actively participating in his marriage.

I know that this is tricky.  If he is innocent, then you don’t want to accuse him.  But if he is cheating and lying on top of it, that’s inexcusable.  I am living proof that a marriage can recover from an affair, but a husband needs to be start being honest in order for this to happen.  There’s more about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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