If I Want My Spouse To Trust Me Again After My Infidelity, What Do I Need To Do?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are getting very tired of their spouse constantly questioning them and not trusting them after their infidelity. Although many understand that they gave their spouses a reason to doubt them, no one has endless levels of patience. And having your spouse constantly question you or act like you are a child who must constantly check in can get very old.

I heard from a husband who said: “I admit that I abused my wife’s trust when I cheated on her and I regret that more than I can express. I deserve her anger. I deserve her losing faith in me. But I have done everything that she has asked, including going to counseling. I come home right after work. I spend all my spare waking hours with her. I don’t object when she goes riffling though my phone or my emails because I honestly don’t have anything to hide from her. I’m not cheating on her anymore and I don’t intend to ever do it again. But no matter how many times I say this or hold myself accountable, she doesn’t believe me. And she will tell me without blinking an eye that she no longer trusts me  and doesn’t know if she ever will again. My question is what do I need to do to make her trust me again after my infidelity? At this point, I am completely trustworthy, but she just will not believe me, no matter what I do or say. And this frustrates me beyond belief.”

Although I see this situation from the other side of it (since I was the spouse who was cheated on,) I do understand the frustration of wondering if your spouse will ever trust you again. I get a lot of emails dealing with this topic from spouses who regret cheating and I see that many (but not all) are sincere when they say that they are doing everything in their power to restore the trust. In the following article, I will offer some tips on what you might do to encourage your spouse to trust you again after infidelity.

Have Patience. The More Anxious And Impatience You Are, The More You Look Like You Have Something To Hide: I know that your life probably isn’t a lot of fun right now. And I understand why you want your spouse to trust you again. But you must understand and accept that they are justified in the way that they feel. They have a right to these feelings. Imagine how you might feel if you were in their shoes. Blindly believing anything that you say after you have betrayed their trust would be silly and ill advised. Give your spouse a little credit. They aren’t unintelligent and you shouldn’t try to force them to pretend to feel or believe something that they don’t. You both need to be honest about and free to express your true feelings.

And if it appears that you are trying to guilt, force, or pressure your spouse into trusting you before they are ready, it not only makes you look like the bad guy, it makes it look like you want them to back off because perhaps you have something to hide.

Even when you feel frustrated, put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and then have patience. When you are the faithful spouse, it truly does mean a lot when you know that your spouse takes responsibility for their actions and, because of this, is going to allow for you to set the pace.

Don’t Give Your Spouse Any Reason Whatsoever To Believe That You Are Not 100% Transparent Or Trustworthy: Many people don’t understand that from the day that you admit the cheating, you have to commit yourself to being one hundred percent truthful about everything, even the little things. Sometimes, people who cheat have gotten into the habit of lying. And when their spouse catches them in little white lies, they truly don’t understand what a big deal this can be.

I often hear comments like “I forgot to tell my wife that I went to have a sandwich after work and then saw one of her friends. Of course, her friend reported seeing me right back to my wife and now my wife suddenly doesn’t trust me once again. But I was doing nothing wrong. I guess I’m always going to be the bad guy now no matter what.”

This husband doesn’t understand that although he didn’t do anything wrong, he can’t afford to do anything that might give that appearance, especially right now. The truth is, your spouse is watching you very closely. And because they have their doubts about how trustworthy you may or may not be, they are almost waiting for you to slip up.

That’s why it’s vital that you tell the truth about everything – even the little things. And don’t omit things either. You want to show your spouse that everything out of your mouth is completely accurate. Don’t leave things out. Don’t embellish. And don’t give your spouse any reason to doubt you.

Have Faith That In Time, You Will Earn Back Your Spouse’s Trust: The key word in that phrase is earned. Your actions have caused the end of the your spouse’s trust. Now, you must earn it back. This takes time. No one pays you your wages before you completely your work or you do your job. You must earn that money by putting in the work and the time.

The same can be said of trust. You can’t collect today on the work you should be doing tomorrow and in the future. I know that it is frustrating, but have faith that if you put in the time, do the work, and are one hundred percent sincere, your spouse will eventually see that you are sincere and they will respond accordingly. But this process takes time and shouldn’t be rushed if you want a genuine result.

I admit that my husband probably thought it took a very long time for me to trust him again after his affair.  But I was more inclined to believe him when he was patient with me rather than pushy.   I need to see that he was willing to wait it out because he thought I was worth it.  If it helps, you can read the story of how we got back together after his affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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