If The Other Woman Has Broken Off The Affair, Will My Husband Keep Trying To Contact Her? Will He Keep Reaching Out To Her?

By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who really wish that they could see the victory in the other woman ending the affair, but they can’t.  While they are happy that the other woman is no longer willing to participate in the affair, they are not so sure that their husband is going to have the same thoughts.

A wife might have this to say: “Believe it or not, the affair is over because I was able to appeal to the other woman.  I called her and I asked her to talk to me as one mother to another.  At the end of the conversation, she admitted that she had never thought of me as a real person.  She said she never saw my family as a real family.  But by the end of the conversation, she admitted that she now realized that there are real people involved who are getting hurt.  We actually had a nice conversation and I could see that she was not evil and she could see that I was not nonexistent. She told me that she was breaking things off and I believed her.  I believed her even more when my husband came home and said he heard that I had talked to her and that he didn’t want me communicating with her again.  I asked him if it was over and he said that I knew that it was.  I truly do want to save my marriage, but I’m afraid that since ending things wasn’t his idea, he’s going to try to reach out to her again.  And I don’t really know her that well, so I don’t know if I can trust her not to change her mind.  Will he respect her decision and end all contact?”

That’s very difficult to predict.  Some men will decide that since the affair is over, there truly is no point in stringing it along.  Some men will be tempted, but will ultimately realize that the affair was wrong and that it’s best for all involved to use willpower and keep the affair as something that happened in the past, but that will not be repeated.  Some husbands will try to reestablish contact, but the other woman will remain true to her word and will reject this contact.  And other times, both the husband and the other woman will try to start things up again.

Some Things To Try: There are some things that you can try to put your husband in the category of the man who leaves the affair in the past.  You can schedule things for the two of you to do together at the times that he would normally interact with her.  Make it so he needs to be home after work or in the evenings.

You can immediately get into counseling so that the counselor can drive home the importance of him not being in contact anymore.  And you can show him that you are very serious about saving your marriage and are being proactive in this.  If he sees that there is a plan that is moving things forward, he may be less likely to mess that up by continuing on with the affair.

Stop And Think Before You Call The Other Woman Again: Some women in this situation would be tempted to call the other woman again just to make sure that she’s still on board with ending things.  I would only do this if there were no other option.  It isn’t in any one’s best interest to continue on with the communication as this point.  She has a right to move on also, especially since she so readily agreed to do what you asked of her.

And, frankly, if you are only depending on her actions to end the affair, then you are always going to doubt if your husband’s heart is truly in your marriage.  You’re always going to know that the relationship ended because of her, and not because of him.  At some point, you are going to need the confidence that the affair ended because he wanted for it to and that this was his decision also.

I know that you might be worried that he will continue to communicate without your being aware of it. But quite honestly, this has a way of coming out if it is true.  You found out or figured it out the first time, so you would likely find out or figure it out the second time.  It’s rare for it to continue on with you just being clueless forever.

I know that this is difficult and scary.  I know that it require a leap of faith, of sorts.  But I think it helps to tell yourself that you are going to trust that he means what he says until he gives you a reason not to trust his claims.  In  recovering from an affair and healing, there are times when you have to give him the benefit of the doubt – even when this is scary.  Sometimes, a man will show you that you were mistaken in the trust. But certainly not always.  That’s why I think it makes sense to try to assume the best until you have evidence to the contrary.  Because sometimes, you really can assume the best and then find that’s exactly what you have.

For now, they are both saying that it is over.  That’s the 100 percent majority.  So I think that this is a good argument for hoping for the best.  Hopefully, you won’t have to revise this later, but you can if you need to.

After my husband’s affair, I made the decision to try to give him the benefit of the doubt unless he gave me a reason not to.  This worked out well because he truly did stand behind his claims.  However, that’s not to say that I didn’t keep a close eye on him, especially at first.  There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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