I’m Terrified That My Affair Might Be Exposed

By: Katie Lersch: I believe that most people who are having an affair try very hard not to allow their mind to go to the “what ifs.” Because if they allowed themselves to constantly think about the “what if” questions, then carrying out the affair is going to be very difficult. Examples of these types of what if questions are: what if I get caught? What if I lose my family? Or what if people change their opinions of me when they find out?

Unfortunately, sometimes things happens that force you to think about these types of questions. Sometimes you are careless or you leave clues. Sometimes the other person you are cheating with is careless or spiteful. And sometimes fate steps in.

Here’s an example. Someone might say: “I am embarrassed to admit this, but I’ve been having an affair for a little over a month. I am not the kind of person who would normally do this. I always see the other man in another town because I don’t want for anyone to see us. Well, last night, we had dinner and I could not believe it when I looked over and saw one of my neighbors. The neighbor waved. I smiled and waved back. I acted like I was just having a friendly dinner and of course I did not touch the other man and I acted like everything was platonic. I am now terrified that the neighbor is going to mention seeing me to my husband. I told my husband I was going to my sister’s, so the best case scenario is that my husband would catch me in a lie and the worst case scenario is that he would figure this out. I am now terrified that I am going to be caught. I can think of nothing else. I am well thought of in the community and if this neighbor tells everyone else, my reputation will be ruined. I have thought about asking the neighbor not to say anything, but I almost think that this will create more suspicion. I do not want to hurt my spouse. Deep down, I think I still love him. But I made a mistake.”

I have never been in this position. I was the faithful spouse, so I know how much it hurts to learn about this type of deception. I am not unsympathetic to what you are going through, though. It understandable that it must be an awful feeling to wonder when or if you will be found out. I am going to make a suggestion and you may not like it. But maybe this is the universe’s way of stepping in and stopping this before it gets worse and goes on for a longer period of time?

You say that you don’t want to hurt your husband and that you believe that you still love him, but your actions do not match the claims. If this were true (and I am not saying that it is not,) then it would make sense to end the affair immediately. I can not decide for you whether or not to talk to your neighbor or to tell your spouse the truth. You know both of these people and I do not. You would have a much better handle on how either of these scenarios might turn out. And you can not really control someone else’s reactions.

But, what you can control is your own actions. And a way to do that immediately is to stop what you know in your heart is wrong. You have admitted embarrassment and shame at cheating. You have admitted fear because of it. How does it make sense to continue on with the behavior that is making you so anxious? One way to begin to make this right again is to stop doing what you know isn’t working.

I admit that I am biased and that this is your decision. But I would suggest considering ending the affair. And, once that is done, you may have more information and insight in order to make further decisions. I have no idea if your spouse will find out about this or not, but if he does, I would suspect that the outcome will be better if you can honestly say that you have already willingly ended the affair.

If you still love your spouse, then you have to ask yourself where the affair is really going. Because I don’t believe that you can legitimately pursue and nurture any relationship when you are actively involved in another. So perhaps you want to consider deciding what it truly the most important outcome for you and  then to direct your actions that way.

I know that I am seeing this from the other side of the fence, but I sense that, deep down, you feel that it isn’t working.  It’s my experience that it is possible to heal your marriage after infidelity.  but, at least in my opinion, the first step is ending the affair. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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