Immediately After I Caught Him Cheating, He Said He Didn’t Love Me Anymore. Now He’s Supposedly Changed His Mind Since The Other Woman Doesn’t Want Him

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are dealing with a husband’s very abrupt change of heart in the after math of his affair. This makes the roller coaster ride that you are already on that much worse. And it makes you wonder when your husband was actually telling the truth – during his initial claim or once he changed his mind.

A faithful spouse might explain: “when I first confronted my husband about his affair, he didn’t even hesitate to tell me that he was in love with her and that he was not going to even consider breaking it off. He made it clear that he believed that he had a future with her. He started posting pictures of them all over facebook and he seemed not to care that my family and friends were going to see it. At that time, it was pretty clear to be that he considered my marriage over. In fact, he told me that he didn’t love me like a spouse anymore and that he loved me like a family member. He insisted that he now felt love for her. I did not want to accept this. It was too much to process. But I had no choice than to start moving on. About two months after this, he texted me and told me that their relationship had ended. He said that he had made a horrible mistake. I told him I appreciated him keeping me updated, but that it didn’t really matter because the damage was done. He didn’t listen. He started showing up to my church and other places where he knew that I was going to be. I run every night at the same place and he often just shows up and says he will take whatever time I can give him. I am sort of flattered that he came to his senses, but I don’t really believe what he’s saying now. A mere two months ago, he was telling me that he was in love with someone else. And now suddenly, because it didn’t work out with the other woman, he loves me again? The problem is, he’s trying to get my kids to help him get me back. They want him back home. There are days when I fantasize about this too, but then I come back to reality. Are there any circumstances under which I should believe him?”

I certainly understand your concern. I would be skeptical also, as I’m sure many women in this situation would be. I can tell you that some men do come back to their wives only after the affair does not work out.  Basically, they see their wife as the consolation prize.  But this is not the case every time. Because some men will swear that it took a little time for them to see their mistake clearly.  But they insist that now that they have seen their error, their love for their spouse returns because they realize that what they felt for the other woman was anything but love. So, it is not impossible for them to have these types of realizations, but the doubt that you have as a result is understandable.

People tend to use a couple of approaches if they have any interest in their marriage. Many go to counseling in order to have someone neutral and qualified to help them sort through this. Going through this process will allow you to see what your spouse is really thinking and feeling and, with time, it will give you more confidence that you can trust him. Others will decide that they will wait and see if their spouse will prove his love over a certain period of time. And others will combine both methods for maximum results.

The truth is, only time is going to tell you if he is sincere. And it is up to you as to whether or not you want to allow him that time. You do not have to make a quick decision on this. You can watch his behaviors over time and see if they are consistent with his claims. Or you can go to counseling with the understanding that you will only continue if you feel that progress is being made. It is ultimately up to you if the effort is worth it. Some women do not want to even think of giving him another chance after being hurt in this way. And others, though doubtful, will decide that they have nothing to lose by waiting to see how this will all turn it. Truly, it is your decision to make and you don’t need to allow yourself to be pressured to make it immediately.

If he is only posturing or is receptive to you simply because he’s let down the other relationship ended, that will become apparent soon enough. If he’s not sincere about his love, then the way he treats you and interacts with you is not going to be indicative of that over time. Most people can fake this for just a little while, but once the novelty wears off, those who aren’t sincere will let down their guard and their lies will be pretty obvious. I know that this isn’t the immediate answer that you may have been hoping for. But honestly, his true feelings often take time to reveal themselves. And yours might also.

You may not be sure where you want to go from here.  And that is fine.  You can tell him that you are still sorting it out and if he is sincere about his love, he will wait, go to counseling, or do whatever else you need for him to do.  I did not feel guilty requiring this of my own husband.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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