Is It Valid To Take Back A Cheating Husband Because You Don’t Want The Be Overwhelmed Raising Your Children Alone?

By: Katie Lersch: Like many others, I watched “True Tori” last night with some interest. I try to avoid reality TV or tabloid articles, but I knew that I might get emails about this and I wanted to be informed. I watched this show with a very good friend. While we were watching my friend said: “do you get the impression that her main reason for even considering taking him back is that she is overwhelmed with raising four kids on her own? I mean, everyone would be. I would be too. But is that a valid reason, to take back someone who cheated on you?”

Honestly, it’s not for me to say. I’m not a therapist or counselor. But, more important than that, I don’t think it’s anyone else’s place to judge or second guess Tori or anyone else. I can tell you my opinion, but that is all it is – just one person’s opinion. Tori and anyone going through this should make decisions based on their own wishes and perceptions – and not that of anyone else. Everyone else’s opinion should not factor into the equation – at all.

Also, I’m not going to comment on the “reality show” aspect of this topic.  I find it interesting that people are accusing them of “faking” the affair or doing this all for money or attention.  I have no knowledge of this and certainly hope it isn’t true.  To me, the emotions looked real.  But then again, the emotions and reactions that go along with affairs vary.  There is no “one size fits all.”  Regardless, it’s not really my, or anyone else’s business.  Now, onto the topic of whether or not raising your kids on your own should factor into your decision.

Frankly, any time you make a life decision, you typically factor what your life would be like should you make one choice over another. For example, if you got offered a new job, one of the factors that you would consider is what your life would be like if you accepted it. You’d likely consider your new quality of life, your new lifestyle, your stress levels, and how all of this impacted your family’s life. You’d likely ask yourself if taking the new position would make your family’s life, as a whole, better or worse.

This is really no different. It’s absolutely normal, understandable, and frankly admirable to consider your children.  Becoming what is essentially a single parent without a live in spouse is often a realistic consideration. Because it is going to impact your children’s upbringing, your stress levels, and how you experience your life.

In my perception, (and of course I could be wrong because none of us can say what anyone else feels or thinks,) it doesn’t appear to me that the kids were the ONLY reason Tori was considering keeping an open mind. Sure, she mentioned that allowing Dean to come back home would mean she would have an extra set of hands. At one point, she even said “I could use the help.” But, she also said some other things which were telling. She admitted that she missed him because he was her best friend and soul mate. She said one thing with which I could deeply relate. She said something to the affect of: “you have someone in your life for seven years and then they’re just gone. That’s hard.”

It IS hard. I think that people sometimes underestimate how much this can shock and shake you.  Even when you are angry, there is a sudden void.  And it’s very painful.  There are a lot of emotions and considerations that you are juggling. And although it seems that one of Tori’s concerns were raising her kids alone, I strongly suspect that she was thinking of plenty of other factors.

I fully admit that my children, their lives, their upbringing, and what I could offer them alone went into my thinking when evaluating my marriage. I don’t see a thing wrong with this. Because I feel that my being a parent is every bit as important to me as being a wife. The two things are connected. And even if I had divorced my husband immediately, he was always going to be my children’s father and in my life. There was no escaping that.

So the next question, I think, is outside of the kids.  And that question is whether or not a happy life is salvageable.  If it’s ONLY about your kids, then you run the risk of parading around a loveless and miserable marriage in front of your kids. This isn’t ideal either. I think it’s OK for your kids to be a big inspiration – so long as there is some semblance of a connection or a desire for the marriage there somewhere – even if it is buried underneath the anger.

This seems the case for Tori. She repeatedly made comments about missing Dean and being excited to see him, although she admitted this made her “seem weak.” I understand her considering being essentially a single parent and how difficult that would be. But this clearly isn’t her only reason for waiting to see what will happen. And I think that’s a very important distinction.

I can’t imagine going through this in the public eye and facing the type of scrutiny that they have. I can’t imagine cameras following me during this type of crisis. I can’t imagine how difficult that would be. I’m pulling for Tori as much as I’d pull for any woman going through this.  I’m not here to question her motivations and I completely understand your children heavily factoring into the equation.

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