Is My Husband Hurt Because The Affair Ended?

By: Katie Lersch: I very often hear from spouses who are wondering how their spouse is feeling after his affair has ended. And they are often wondering because their spouse is reluctant or refusing to share how he feels. Still, despite the secrecy, it’s often obvious that he is struggling. Because he’s often moping around with a long face. It’s obvious that he’s not completely happy, but the question is often why and how deeply he is feeling this.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband admitted to an affair about six weeks ago. It wasn’t completely unexpected because something had obviously been going on with him. And he had been avoiding me and wasn’t home very much. He says that he wants to save our marriage and he promises that the affair relationship is over and that he will stay away from the other woman. He says that he knows that if we work hard, we can get our marriage back. I want to feel hopeful and I want to believe him but his actions don’t match what he is claiming. He walks around the house with a scowl on his face. He often sighs deeply. I often catch him staring into space. I have asked him why he is acting this way and he denies that he is acting in any specific way. Sometimes, he will say that he is upset because of the mess that he has made of his life and of our marriage. But I am not so sure. I think that he is upset because he misses the other woman. I think he is sad because the affair ended. I have brought this up to him and he got very angry and denied it. Could I be right? Could he be hurt and mourning because the affair ended? And does this mean that my marriage is over?” I will address these concerns below.

People Do Sometimes Feel A Sense Of Loss When The Affair Ends: People often assume that an affair is only about sex or physical feelings rather than emotional ones. So the assumption is that people will just quickly move on without any sorrow because they were only in the relationship because of the physical connection. This assumption is especially strong if you are talking about a man because we often assume that men do not have or seek an emotional connection. This thinking is flawed at the best and wrong at the worst.

Many men comment on my blog and they express deep emotional feelings. In fact, it’s my opinion that men can seek as much on emotional connection as a physical one. They can believe that they have real feelings for the other person. And because they often have to break it off very quickly without much closure, these feelings can be magnified. So yes, he may well be hurt and reeling because of the end of the relationship. But this is normal. Often, he thinks he has true and lasting feelings.  But the good news is that the longer he is away from the other person, the more he can see the situation clearly and he will often come to realize that the feelings he thought he felt were mistaken or misplaced emotions only meant to justify his actions.  And usually, it isn’t until the affair has been over for a while that he is able to have this sort of realization.

Often, He Is Upset With Himself Because Of The Grave Mistake He Has Made: You will often find a cheating spouse moping around after breaking off the affair because he now realizes that he has hurt two people with his actions. Often, he is facing having to make this right and pick up the pieces and this is a difficult task when he looks at you and sees all of the pain that you are in. He often wonders if he will ever be able to restore your trust or if you will ever feel the same about him again. In short, he is mourning the loss of your marriage as it used to be before he took this unfortunate action. He is usually well aware that he has caused a good bit of damage that might be impossible to heal. And this can be a very valid reason to mourn or mope around the house.

So to answer the concern posed, there are many reasons that a person can be legitimately hurt after the affair ends. They are often quite disappointed in themselves. They may feel some sorrow at the people that they have hurt. And they may be struggling with ending the relationship without having closure. But none of this means that you can’t heal. You will often need to have patience and faith that time makes this process a little easier. Often, as healing slowly occurs, you will see the hurt and the pain start to fade from both of your faces.

My husband seemed depressed in the weeks after I found out about his infidelity.  But once he saw that I wasn’t leaving with our children and willing to wait and see if he could make things right, he began to perk up a bit.  It often just takes time, patience and healing.  If it helps, you can read more about our recovery on my blog

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