My Friends Hate Me For Taking Back My Cheating Husband

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are getting a lot of backlash from the people who they love for taking back a cheating husband. This is a very difficult situation. Because a wife will generally have her own doubts and worries in this scenario, but having to deal with the anger and judgment of people that you really care about can make a bad situation even worse, especially when the people that you would love to have supporting you are doing just the opposite.

If I were to hear these thoughts expressed, it would sound something like: “after my husband’s affair, I went to a support group. This was a group made up of a women who were separated or struggling with their marriages. Needless to say, many of us in the group were dealing with infidelity. It really helped me to be around women who were going through the same thing that I was. I became very good friends with a handful of women. All of us had husbands who had cheated on us. Some of the women had already gotten a divorce. Others were separated. But all of them were furious with their husbands and had no intentions of saving their marriages. I didn’t have that intention either until very recently. I honestly thought that I would never have anything to do with my husband again unless it pertained to our children. Well, my daughter was graduating from her middle school and they had a ceremony. I invited my husband to have dinner with us. The next morning, a group of parents were going to the beach. My daughter invited my husband without asking me. I decided to be a good sport and let him stay the night so he wouldn’t have to drive all the way home and come all the way back in the morning for the trip. We ended up talking all night. Since that time, we have repeated the process. We have had the best talks and some of the best outings. I am not one hundred percent positive that I am going to take him back. But I no longer think that this is out of the question. However, when my friends found out about this, they were very chilly. All of them were disappointed and I can tell that they feel like I no longer fit in with the group. Some of them aren’t returning my calls. It feels awful to feel as if I’m hated for taking back my husband. What can or should I do about this?”

I know that this is tough. It can feel as if you have to chose between your husband and the support system that got you through some very hard times. I’ve also seen the husband be very against the wife maintaining these friendships once he learns the common denominator that all of these women share. So, you’ll often feel like you’re being pulled in different directions when all you want are both sets of loved ones to support you. I don’t think there’s a perfect solution here, but I do see direct and open communication helping quite a bit.

Friends Shouldn’t Require Conditions: I honestly do understand why these women would feel a little awkward right now. After all, a major part of their bond was lamenting their cheating husbands. Now that this may be gone, at least for one member, it can make things a bit strained. However, real friends don’t turn on their own when that same friend changes their mind or goes another way. Sure, you won’t have the husband bashing in common with them anymore, But, if they are truly your friends, they will accept you. And they will want for the best for you. If reconciling with your husband makes you happy, then real friends would be happy for you.

Bringing This Out In The Open: If these women mean as much to you as it sounds like, then isn’t it worth a try to have a direct and open conversation in order to at least try to salvage the relationship? The next time you see or speak with them, you might just try something like: “I know that the fact that my husband might be back in my life makes things a little awkward between us. But I consider all of you my friends outside of the infidelity issue. I believe that this isn’t the only thing that unites us. I enjoy being with you and I don’t want for you to feel like you can’t talk openly in front of me. I’d like to focus on other aspects of our friendship. I have to think that there is more to our friendship than our husbands or our marriages. I hope that you will consider this. I value our friendship and I don’t want to lose it.”

Don’t Assume The Worst: One thing about this wife’s statement bothered me. She automatically assumed that these women hated her. That was probably not completely true. Sure, this might have made the situation awkward and the women may have been disappointed. But hatred? Unless these women were petty and cruel, I can’t imagine that they would hate this wife. And if that is how they were truly acting, who needs friends like these? I think that the truth was probably something different.  They may have been disappointed, but with a little communication, they may come around if they are true friends.

I understand how this friends.  Some family members didn’t support me when I was trying to save my marriage after infidelity. But once they saw that I was able to do this in a healthy way that strengthened me, they eventually came around.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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