My Husband Admitted That He Started The Affair. He Pursued The Other Woman.

By: Katie Lersch: I recently heard from a wife who was devastated to learn that he husband had chased after the woman, with whom he eventually had an affair. The wife had always assumed that the other woman had pursued her husband and so her anger lied mostly with the woman, not her husband. But turns out, it was the other way around.

She said in part: “the woman who my husband had an affair with is the neighborhood flirt. She’s a single mom and a gold digger and she has always flirted with all of the husbands. When I found out that it was her that he’d been cheating with, I wasn’t all that surprised. I mean, I was surprised that he was cheating but I wasn’t surprised it was this woman because she seems to be after every man in town. She’s the type of woman who washes her car in a bikini to try to get attention. And I just assumed that she chased after my husband until he finally gave in because he’s successful and would be quite the catch for her. But, once I finally was able to get my husband to open up about the affair and talk about how and why it happened, he reluctantly admitted to me that he was the one who pursued her. He admitted that he started going over to her house uninvited and one thing lead to another. This just sickens me and it sort of changes everything. It makes me look at my husband like a creepy pursuer rather than the guy who was worn down. What now?”

This is a difficult situation, to be sure. Dealing with your husband’s affair is hard enough, but it is often easier if you can be really angry at the other woman and can at least place a fair share of the blame (if not most of it) onto her. It’s easier for you to view him as the guy who was followed around relentlessly by this determined woman and, although it takes two to tango, at least none of it was his idea. Except what happens if it was? Does everything change when you find out that in fact it was your husband who was the pursuer?

Only you can answer that question, but let me give you a few things to consider. No matter who started or initiated the affair, it’s always going to take two. Even when the other woman initiates it, your husband is still a participant in the affair. So honestly, it’s my view that it’s more important to understand what lead up to the affair and where it leaves you right now rather than worrying about who started it. Yes, her husband pursuing this other woman shows intent and that is substantial. She was going to need to ask herself if going over there with an intention for something to happen or to cheat made any difference as to whether she wanted to save her marriage or not. For some women, intention can make all of the difference. While other women feel that the very things that caused him to cheat in the first place were probably also the things that contributed to him pursuing her.

With that said, no matter who started the affair, the process of saving your marriage after it are the same. You need to look at what contributed to it happening, how you want to move forward, and how you can begin to heal. I believe and know from my own experience that it is possible to fully heal your marriage after an affair. But I also know that its often those little details that cause the most problems during the healing process. It’s those mental pictures you can’t get out of your mind or the knowledge that your husband knew full well what he was doing once he got in the car headed for her house that can floor you.

However, I can also tell you that once you do the work necessary to fully heal, those mental images fade with time. And as your husband proves that he is remorseful enough to make himself trustworthy and committed once again, your anger at him can start to abate just a little bit. I would never tell you that one day you will just forget that he started the affair or that one day it won’t matter to you. But what I can say is that once your marriage has been healed or you’ve built a new and better marriage, you almost see your marriage as a fresh start so that you don’t have to constantly look back at those small details that really don’t matter anymore.

I have to admit that I struggled with many of the details concerning my husband’s affair. But, as our marriage healed, those same details didn’t bother me as much anymore. I hope that turns out to be the case with you. If it helps you can read the very personal story of how I healed after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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