My Husband And I Have A Great Sex Life. And Yet He Still Cheats. Why?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are extremely confused as to why their husband is a repeat cheater. They have made it their business to ensure that they have full, exciting, regular, and stimulating sex life. And yet, he still cheats. This often leaves them wondering if perhaps the sex isn’t as great as they had assumed or if, no matter what they do, they are going to be dealing with a husband who can’t stop cheating.

I might get a comment like: “the first time that my husband cheated on me, I tried to use it as a wake up call to strengthen my marriage. I admit that at that time, our marriage had gotten a bit stale after we had kids. So I really opened up sexually and, as a result, our sex life blossomed. When I talk to my girlfriends about sex, they confirm to me that my husband and I have sex far more than what is normal. And frankly, I do a lot of things that my friends refuse to do. So honestly, my husband doesn’t have anything to complain about in the sex department. I am more than accommodating to him. And he tells me all of the time that he is more than satisfied. And that is why it is was so shocking to me when he cheated the next time. There was no logical reason for him to need to seek anything anywhere else. I keep myself attractive. I am attentive to his emotional and physical needs. I believe that I am a good wife and mother. And if all of this isn’t confusing enough, I just found out that he has cheated a third time. I just do not get it. Why does a man who has a wonderful sex life have to go out and cheat?”

I am going to attempt to answer this with my own theory. But before I do, I have to tell you that I am not a man. So while I can’t possibly know how or what a man thinks directly, I do hear from a lot of men in this situation on my blog. And I have done a lot of research on this because of my own situation. Experts will often stress that men cheat for emotional rather than physical or sexual reasons. I actually agree with this, but I believe that this statistic is often misunderstood.

Many people will assume that the wife is not supporting the husband emotionally so he has to seek this somewhere else. They might assume that she is cold, unapproachable, distant, or unsympathetic. None of these things need to be true. Often, the man is struggling with something within himself whether that thing is aging, a lack of self esteem, mourning a life he never realized, or a slew of other possibilities. In short, he is dealing with some sort of stressor and is having a hard time. Now, he may have the most understanding and supportive wife in the world. But because this is an internal struggle, she can not take it away for him or fix it for him, no matter how much she might like to. (And to be quite honest, the other woman isn’t likely to fix it either, even though she might serve as a diversion to make him forget.)

Of course, there are other reasons that men cheat that have nothing to do with their sex life or with their wife. They may have poor impulse control, they may have a destructive streak and a tendency to sabotage the things they hold most dear because they feel that they are undeserving. They have risky friends or put themselves in risky situations. They may come from a household or a culture that condones cheating. Or, they may have a legitimate sexual addition.

There are numerous possibilities here. But many of them has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. In fact, many men who comment on my blog will have no problems admitting that they had a great marriage and a great sex life. They will tell you that neither of these things were the issue. Many people will assume that they are lying to spare their wife’s feelings. But I don’t. So much of my research has indicated that cheating really isn’t about sex and many actual cheating husbands have confirmed this.

And that is why a man can cheat when he has a very satisfying sex life with a wife whom he deeply loves. That is not to say that it doesn’t matter what happens with your sex life. It does. But you can have a great sexual relationship and still be faced with infidelity. It is actually quite common. That’s why I recommend getting some help to determine why he keeps repeating these same behaviors so that he can get what he needs within himself so he can stop.  If it helps, you can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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