My Husband Claims He Didn’t Have An Affair, But He Certainly Seems Remorseful Anyway. Why?

Some wives are sure that their husband is cheating.  They are so sure of this that they can picture his reaction when confronted.  However, the confrontation does not always go as planned.  Some husbands will strongly deny that they are having an affair.  They will tell you to produce proof because they claim to know that there is no proof.  They will tell you that you are imagining things.  In truth, some of these wives do not have proof and are operating on nothing more than suspicion.  In fact, they were hoping to bluff their husband into confessing.  When he doesn’t, many hope that he is being truthful and that he was not cheating after all.  But sometimes he has behaviors that continue to raise red flags – like the husband who insists that he wasn’t cheating but then acts remorseful anyway.

Someone might say: “I accused my husband of cheating, but only after I was very sure that I was right.  I didn’t catch him in the act.  And I didn’t have concrete proof.  But he had been acting really weird.  He’d been working late, acting cold to me, and he would never allow me to see what he was texting.  Some of our neighbors saw him having lunch with another woman.  He freely admitted this, but said that she was a coworker and he was discussing a work issue.  This would not be that unusual.  He does have lunch with coworkers.  But the fact that the neighbors mentioned it to me and the fact that they were alone does make one suspicious.  So I did tell my husband that I thought he was cheating on me.  He completely denied it.  In fact, he got very defensive and a little angry.  He told me that I could check his phone and emails, which I did.  I could not find anything, but I still was not convinced. And even worse, now he’s acting remorseful and he has changed his behavior.  He’s coming home from work much earlier.  He’s being more attentive to me.  For someone who wasn’t cheating and had nothing to be guilty about, he is certainly acting remorseful and guilty.  Why would he do this?”

I could only speculate and I don’t know your husband in the way that you do. But, below, I’ll list some plausible theories.

He’s Simply Trying To Do Better Because You Have Legitimate Complaints: It’s possible that he wasn’t cheating, but knows that you have legitimate concerns about his long work hours and his distant demeanor.  Maybe he realizes that you deserve more of his time and attention and that giving it to you would mean that you don’t have to worry about things that aren’t happening.  Perhaps he feels guilty that because of his neglect, his wife assumed that he was cheating.  If so, this is easily fixable, which is what he may be attempting right now.

Perhaps He Didn’t Cheat, But Could Have: It’s possible that perhaps he wasn’t cheating with the other woman, but had some type of connection with her or knew that he was in a position where he COULD have cheated.  In other words, he knows that he had a close call and doesn’t want to put himself in this position again.  Perhaps he wants to focus on his marriage so that he doesn’t put anything that he values at risk.

He’s Trying To Divert Your Attention Away From The Truth:  I mention this option last.  I’m certainly not saying that I think that this is the reality, but I feel like I have to mention it.  There certainly are some husbands who deny cheating and then show remorse because they were, in fact, cheating.  I am certainly not saying that this is the case here.  But I have to bring this up as a possibility.

On the other hand, at this point, you have no proof.  And your husband has offered up his personal cell phone and emails, which can be significant. He’s shown good faith by that, plus he’s changed his behavior in order to make himself a better husband.  These things show an intention to focus on his marriage.

That said, there’s certainly nothing wrong with continuing to watch your husband closely.  It would be silly not to. But if he continues to be attentive and gives you no reason not to trust him, then you’ll need to decide if you want to accept his efforts to do better. Honestly, affairs do have a tendency to eventually come to the surface.  If your husband is lying, statistics tell us that you are going to eventually find out about it.  There is nothing wrong with being very observant and having some healthy skepticism.  But, also, just by going on the facts that you know, you haven’t found any proof, your husband offered you free access to his phone and email, and he’s making an effort to do better.  Only you can decide if these things matter or are meaningful.  But there are various reasons that BOTH faithful and cheating husbands display remorse.

A husband’s behavior can vary during and after the affair.  My husband was honestly acting pretty normally.  But I know other husbands who were virtually begging to be caught.  Some husbands feel guilty even by the suggestion of wrong doing (even when they did nothing wrong) and others feel no guilt while lying to your face.  You are in a better position to know what category your husband falls into.  It is possible to recover your marriage after infidelity.  (I’ve done it) But it helps to know what you are dealing with.  There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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