My Husband Had An Affair And Now He’s Saying That He Loves Me But Is No Longer “In Love” With Me

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who don’t know where they stand with their husband after he has had an affair. Sometimes he comes home and makes a half hearted attempt to save the marriage when it’s obvious that something is missing. The wife can’t help but notice that he just doesn’t seem all that enthusiastic about her or the marriage. Sometimes, she has the courage to ask her husband if he still loves her and she gets the answer that she isn’t hoping for when he tells her that he still loves her but is no longer “in love” with her.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband had a four month affair. He finally confessed to me and said he would “try” to save our marriage. But he doesn’t appear to be trying all that hard. I don’t think he’s still seeing the other woman. But he’s not putting much effort into the marriage and he doesn’t seem that into or attracted to me. I finally broke down and asked him if he still loved me. The answer he gave me was ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you.’ What does that even mean? Then I asked him if he was “in love” with the other woman and he finally admitted that yes, he was but he knew that they couldn’t be together and he knew their relationship was wrong so he was going to make our marriage work. Well, that’s all very nice and it sounds very good. But what does that mean for me? And what good is hanging onto the threads of your marriage when your husband isn’t even in love with you anymore? To me, that sounds like a marriage in name only. And that doesn’t seem like much a victory to me.”

The wife in this situation was absolutely right. It’s not acceptable to most people to have a marriage in name only when your husband is no longer in love with you. With that said though, I have seen marriages where the husband thinks he is no longer in love with his wife turn around to the point where he loves his wife very passionately once again. I’m not saying that this is always the case, but it isn’t all that rare either.

How A Man Who Thinks He Is No Longer Be “In Love” With His Wife After The Affair Might Change His Mind: I believe that it’s fair to say that a man who has an affair is not living in reality. He often thinks that the other woman is someone other than who she really is. He will often build up the relationship in his mind so that this justifies his cheating. So he may magnify his feelings because he wants to believe that it’s real. And of course, when things are new, they sometimes feel exciting. So, he may compare this fantasy with what he has with you and mistakenly think this means he’s no longer “in love” with you.

But what will sometimes happen is that somewhere along the line, he’s ready or forced to learn the truth about the affair, the other woman, and the relationship. He eventually sees it for the fantasy that it is. He faces the fact that it just isn’t reality. I can’t tell you how often men in this situation tell me on my blog that one day they just “wake up” to realize that their wife, their marriage, and their family is what is truly “real” and important. And when he is faced with potentially losing these things, often the love or the feeling of being “in love” with come rushing back.

Another thing to consider is that often when this couple is rebuilding their marriage, they rediscover one another. They stop talking each other for granted and as a result, they begin to see their spouse in a new light or remember what they loved about them in the first place.

If you’re not yet at this place yet or don’t think that it can happen, consider giving it a bit more time if you still love him. And whether you still love him is really is a question that I think many women do not consider. They worry an awful lot about whether their husband is still “in love with” or still loves them, but they sometimes do not stop to consider how they feel about him. His feelings are not the only feelings that need to be considered.

However, sometimes the wife finds that her feelings evolve and change also as the relationship begins to heal or is threatened to end. As difficult as the recovery process is after an affair, it can often go one of two ways. It can completely and eventually destroy the relationship or it can shine a light on where it can be improved. And, when the couple rises to the occasion, the results can actually sometimes be a marriage that is better than it ever was with feelings that feel more intense and new.

I think that it’s probably fair to say that both my husband and I questioned our love for one another after his affair.  For a few months, I had no idea if my marriage as going to survive, or even if I wanted it to survive.  But once we healed our marriage, our feelings for and love toward one another came rushing back.  If it helps, you can read more about the process of saving our marriage after the affair on my blog at

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