My Husband Has Decided That He Wants To Be With The Other Woman / Mistress. But I Still Love Him. What Is Wrong With Me?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from women who are somewhat embarrassed by the fact that they are still in love with the husband who has not only betrayed them, but also has momentarily chosen the other woman over them. This often makes the wife quite angry with herself and she wonders how she could be so silly as to yearn after a man who has repeatedly proven that he is not worthy of that same love.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband told me that he was having an affair with someone who had become very important to him. At first, I guess I didn’t understand how serious this really was. I guess I assumed that he would end the relationship so that we could save our marriage. But I soon learned that this was a hasty assumption on my part. A few weeks after his confession, my husband told me that he was having trouble making up his mind between the two of us. I really couldn’t believe this. I have been with my husband for ten years. We have so much history together. He has only known this other woman for six months. But he claims that he feels so strongly about her that he can’t imagine his life without her. Two weeks ago, he told me that he had decided that he wanted to be with her and that he had plans to move out in the future. I know that I should be angry about this. I know that I should kick him out and tell him not to come back. But instead, I find myself begging him to stay. I still love him. I don’t want to give him up. I am so ashamed of my behavior. I am a strong woman. I would be fine on my own. But I don’t want to give up this man or my marriage. And this is true even though he has betrayed me and made it clear to me that he doesn’t want me any more and that he has chosen a young woman who he barely knows over me. What is wrong with me? Why would I still love or want a man like this?”

I really felt for this wife. She was being so hard on herself and none of this was her fault. What she was having was a very normal, and a very understandable, reaction. She had been with this man for ten years. It’s not realistic to think that you are going to stop loving that man the second after he makes a mistake or shortly after you feel rejected.

And honesty, I find that most people will initially want to see if they can save their marriage before they make the decision to end that long term relationship. So when you’re denied this process, it’s only normal to feel like you have been cheated twice. It’s totally natural to want to fight when something that you love dearly has been taken away from you. This doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you. Or that you have low self esteem. Or that you are in the habit of allowing people to walk all over you or take advantage of you. It means that you don’t want to give up something that is so important to you so easily and this is understandable. With this said, you don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you aren’t considering your own best interest and health. So with that in mind, I’ll now offer some tips on how you might balance your still loving him with your own self care.

You Don’t Have To Completely Give Him Up If You Take A Break To Evaluate What Is In Your Best Interest: I have to caution you that sometimes when you get in a situation like this, your emotions can run away with you. And you can get caught up in the drama of this. Frankly, if he has made a decision to be with her, there’s often little that you can do about it in the short term. You’re usually going to have to let him find out for himself that he has made a mistake. You don’t want to disrespect yourself by continuing to reach out to him when he’s not been respectful to you.

And sometimes, giving this process a break will actually improve it. Many wives find that when they back away, their husband eventually becomes interested again. My suggestion would be to give this situation a short break. Focus on yourself. Take very good care of your own needs and put yourself first. Surround yourself with people who will support you and love you. None of this means that you have to stop loving him, but it might mean that you don’t love the situation and as a result, you’re going to focus that focus on yourself.

Your husband might ask you why you’ve had a change of heart. It’s really up to you as to whether you want to answer this question, but if you do, you may consider telling him that he’s made his wishes clear and that it’s clear that right now, your best course of action is to work on yourself and on your own healing. Always maintain your dignity and grace. That way, when the affair ends (as it often will) you will know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. And you will know that your behavior was something that you can be proud of even if your husband can’t say the same.

Many people ask me when or if they will eventually stop loving their husband. The answer will typically depend upon how this situation plays out. Some husbands do end the affair and go back to their marriages. And some do not. What I think is important here is to love yourself as much as you love him and then act accordingly. If he’s with someone else for now, you can’t act on that love in a healthy way anyway. So work on yourself and your own healing first and then wait and see what happens with the rest.

Sometimes, when situations like this get bad, you have to place your focus on the person on whom you can depend the most – yourself.  Your healing is truly the most important thing right now.  If it helps, you can read about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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