My Husband Has Finally Admitted That He Might Doubt His Commitment To Me After His Affair

By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, when a person is first confronted about an affair, their immediate reaction is to swear that they never wanted to end their marriage. They will swear that their first commitment is to their spouse, no matter what they might have done or said concerning the other person.

And often, this is what everyone wants to hear. But as time passes, this claim can be questioned, especially if the cheating spouse is not acting in a way that the faithful spouse had hoped.

A faithful wife might say: “after I caught my husband cheating, he promised that he was going to make this up to me. But I immediately noticed that he looked nervous and shifty. I intuitively knew that he wasn’t giving me the whole story. In the beginning, he said that he would see the other woman only one more time in order to break off their relationship. After that, it was always that she was calling and making threats, so he had to see her again and again. I never believed this rouse and I told him so. After I confronted him repeatedly, I finally got him to admit that he still had unresolved feelings for her and was having a hard time letting her go. Still, no sooner was that admission out of his mouth that he was swearing that he was committed to me and our children and that he was going to resolve this very quickly. So I asked him to go to counseling and he said that he would. However, each time an appointment would come up, he would stall or have some excuse. He was working late. He had researched the counselor that I had suggested and he wanted to find his own. There were various excuses, but there was always an excuse. Finally, I got fed up with this and I told my husband that it was very obvious that he wasn’t fully committed to me. Because if he was, he’d be at counseling no matter what. And he would drop the other woman no matter what. At first, he denied this and he just asked me over and over again to please be patient with him. Eventually though, he finally blurted out that I was right and that his commitment to me is questionable. He says that he can not deny his feelings for the other woman. He says that if he had been fully committed to our marriage, he probably wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. He keeps saying that he is very sorry and that he doesn’t know where to go from here. Where does that leave me? I want my marriage, despite my anger. But how can I have a marriage with a man who might not be committed to me?”

Before I try to address these questions, I want to tell you that I understand your disappointment, having been there myself. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. And you are not wrong to expect and want your spouse’s full commitment. I can’t speak for anyone else. And I fully support every one’s right to decide their own course of action for their own marriage. But, speaking for myself, my husband’s complete commitment was non negotiable.

I think that it would be extremely challenging to save a marriage where one spouse wasn’t sure that he was in it for the long haul and who wasn’t very sincere when he claimed that there was no one else.  Also, I think it’s important that there is no other woman to resort back to should the marriage not work. After all, if he knows that he has the other woman waiting, how can he be one hundred percent committed to making it work.

With this said, just because he questions his commitment now, this doesn’t mean that he will not ultimately decide that he wants the marriage.  This happens all of the time.  Once the newness of the other relationship wears off and they get to know the real people involved and not just the fantasy of the other person, it’s typical for the cheating spouse to see very clearly that he was extremely stupid to risk his marriage.  But, you often can not force this realization or his commitment. I know that it is very tempting to shame him, to threaten him, or to offer up ultimatums. But ultimately, these things may bump up the pressure on him, but you will both know that any decision he came to was not his own decision. Therefore, you might both doubt that he really meant it. And sometimes, when you try to force a husband to give up the other woman, she becomes just that much more attractive to him and he holds onto her even more tightly.  It’s so much more effective to allow him to see this for himself.

I know that this might make you feel as if you are left out in the cold, but I don’t think that it has to be this way. I think that if you work on healing yourself and defining what you want while he continues on with his struggles, you will be in a better position to handle whatever conclusion he comes to. And when he comes to that decision, you will have the confidence that it is all his. Plus, either way, you will be in a position of strength.

I will tell you something that I’ve noticed over and over again. When a wife turns her attention to herself, her husband often wonders why. This in turn sometimes diverts his interest from the other woman to his wife. I certainly can not tell you that this always happens. But it is certainly not unusual when it does.

I also think that when you make it clear that you are going to continue to live your best life regardless of where his head and his heart is, you show him that you have self respect and this will often contribute him to respecting you more, which means he’s less likely to keep playing games.

Of course, I can’t predict the future.  But I can tell you that today’s reality is certainly not always tomorrow’s reality.  The husband may change his mind tomorrow or the next day.  Sometimes, you just have to focus on yourself and wait and see.  To me, self care is never wrong, at least in my experience. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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