My Husband Is Trying To Convince Me His Cheating Was God’s Will

By: Katie Lersch:  People sometimes email me and ask for my thoughts on religious beliefs concerning affairs.  I have to be honest and say that I typically don’t equate the two together. I understand that some couples stress having a Godly marriage and wanting to conduct their family life in a way that is based on God’s will and love.  But in terms of an affair, I always feel like it is the result of the free will of an individual.   This is only one person’s biased opinion, but we all face temptations in life.  And many of us draw on our faith to turn away from those temptations, which is comforting and honorable.  But when a person choses to have an affair, they are, at least in my opinion, making their own choices.

That’s why I struggle when I get correspondence like this example. A wife might say that her husband is telling her that God somehow put the other woman into his life or that the affair was somehow God’s will.  She might say: “my husband and I are both pretty religious.  In the past, when we have had struggles put in our path, we have suspected that God was testing us in some way or trying to teach us some lesson to strengthen us.  We have always gotten through these struggles and I do have to admit that I think that they have strengthened us.  But in regards to my husband’s affair, I am having a harder time.  He feels that my God put this other woman in his life for a reason.  He feels that in some ways, the relationship has inspired growth in both of them.  He understands why I am angry and she says that he is sorry.  But he also says that at least something good came out it because the relationship did offer something to both people.  He says that sometimes people come into our lives at the right time and this is the case with this other woman.  He says that even though it is now over, he can see the usefulness of it. I do believe that God has a reason for all things, but I just can not go there with this affair.  I think that my husband is using this as a convenient excuse.  I have been a good wife and have never given my husband a reason to cheat on me.  I believe that I have lived my life in such a way that I do not deserve this.  And I honestly believe that God would agree with me. Am I off-base here?”

I don’t believe that you are off-base.  I can’t pretend to be an expert on religion because I most definitely am not.  And I won’t criticize anyone’s religious beliefs.  I can only tell you that in my opinion, we all ultimately have free will.  Even if you ultimately believe that God (for whatever reason) brought this woman into your husband’s life, he could have been in her life in a way other than affair.  I don’t believe that God puts everyone in our life for romantic reasons.  Some are friends.  Some are mentors.  Some are acquaintances.

Your husband had a choice as to what type of relationship it was going to be.  And how you respond to this is going to be up to you. Certainly, your faith can help with this.  It can provide comfort during a trying time.   Many couples prefer faith-based counseling after an affair.  I believe that whatever works best for both people can be fine.  But I am not sure that using faith as an excuse is in every one’s best interest.  It may keep you from facing realities that need to be faced.  And it may make you feel resentful (or you may suspect your husband of using his faith as an excuse.)

If you are in counseling (or considering it,)  I would leave this issue up to the professionals.  You may be tempted to call your husband on this, but he may just argue with you or even cling more tightly to his reasoning.  A third party is usually more effective in pointing out errors in his thought process because they truly have no agenda.  They do not have a horse in this race.  So he is more likely to listen to their opinion over your own.

It’s a romantic notion that a higher power (or even fate) puts important people in our path.  But I believe that we make our own choices on how to react to that path. And if we already have the most important person of all in our life – our spouse.

I admit that I am very biased about this because I’ve had to deal with infidelity in my own marriage.  But I have found that healing requires the accepting of responsibility.  And it is concerning when someone blames anything other than their own choices for the infidelity.  You can read more about my healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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