My Husband Is Trying To Make Up With Me After His Affair. He Won’t Listen To Me When I Say He Just Might He Wasting His Time

By: Katie Lersch:  Over time, it has become my opinion that, generally speaking, men who are caught cheating generally fall into two categories, at least in terms of their reactions when they get caught.

The first type will be very obvious about the fact that they are sorry and that they want to somehow retain their marriage.  These are the guys who will pretty much humble themselves and jump through hoops to get their wives back.  The second type are those who either aren’t all that sorry or who aren’t quite sure what they want. They aren’t nearly as quick to apologize or to try to get back on their wife’s good side.  In truth, they are not yet sure if they want to be back in their wife’s good graces.  Men don’t always remain in one category either.  They can start out in one and end up in another based on what is happening with their marriage or with their thought process.

Many wives assume that, given the choice, they would prefer for their husband to be in the category of the men who try to make amends.  Most of the time, this is accurate.  But some wives feel like their husband’s attempts to make things OK again are just a waste of time and are sort of too much too soon.

One might explain: “my husband is trying to be so sweet to me since I caught him cheating.  And quite frankly, it makes me sick. Suddenly, he is telling me how pretty I am and how much he values me.  He tells me that I have been the perfect wife, but he was too dumb to see it.  He says that I am so smart, so pretty, and so supportive.  He must also think that I am so naive because he is only saying these things because he wants to make up with me.  And this is all because I am so angry at him because of his cheating.  His behavior is so fake and see through.  This faking almost makes me more mad than the cheating.  Yesterday, he was all over me with his fake affection and I finally had to tell him that he was wasting his time. I told him that it’s obvious that he is only doing and saying these things because he has been cheating.  And I also told him that it is way too soon for us to make up or to begin to mend our marriage so he should stop wasting his time.  He said that he doesn’t feel like any of it is a waste of time.   He said that even if I am not ready to hear his message, he still wants to send the message because he wants me to know that he is sorry and that he loves me.  How do I get him to stop this?  I mean, part of me is glad that he’s sorry and making an effort.  But part of me doesn’t want anything to do with him right now.  I need space and for him to back off a bit.”

Because I am a wife who has been cheated on, I know the feeling or wanting nothing to do with him for a while.  You need time to just reflect on how you are feeling without his input.  But, I also know, from a lot of the correspondence I get, that the behaviors by the husband are also very common.  Frankly, much of the time, the husbands panic.  Now that the secret of the cheating is out, it becomes crystal clear that there may be real consequences to their actions – which is losing their wife.  So, they are prepared to do nearly anything to keep that from happening.  And one way that they will try to do this is to let you know – admittedly sometimes too strongly – how much they realize what a mistake they have made.

Another consideration is that although his sweetness and reassurance gets on your nerves right now, there may come a time in the future when you want it.  I know that this is hard to believe.  I did not believe it myself.  But, as time goes by, you might come to a point where you might consider that it might make sense not to just throw everything away before at least giving him a chance.  But, if you tell him that he has no chance with you and is wasting his time, he may give up for good.

So perhaps a compromise is in order.  You might try to make it clear that, for a certain period of time, you just need to process this in relative silence.  You might try an explanation like this: “I do appreciate what you are saying and doing.  But because this is all so fresh, it seems motivated by your getting caught rather than coming from a genuine place.  At least that is my perception.  And I am not sure that my perception can change until more time has passed.  I just need some time to think about all of this without all of the over-the-top declarations.  I am not saying that I don’t want to hear that you love me ever again.  I am just saying that, for some time, I need some quiet to be objective.  Can you just lay off a little while I am taking that time? There will probably be a time in the future where those conversations are more appropriate.  But I am not ready for it yet.  I hope you understand.”

He might feel a little defensive at first.  But he also might find you more receptive to him when he lays off – which means he may come around when he sees that giving you a little space benefits him.  This is a very common problem.  Most people are able to get through it with communication and patience.  It is normal for him to want to tell you how he feels because he is afraid of losing you.  But it is also normal for you not to be quite ready to hear it yet.

I had to ask my own husband to lay off for a while. He didn’t like this, of course.  But I told him that he was only making things worse for himself.  And when he did give me time, he saw that it actually made things better for him.  You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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