My Husband Keeps Touching Base With And Responding To The Other Woman Because She Has Questions And Needs Closure

By: Katie Lersch: When a husband gets caught cheating, he will often immediately (and without thinking about it very much) promise that he will cut off all contact with the other woman.  Most of the time, he legitimately and sincerely means this.  Despite the perception, many married people who have affairs don’t leave for the other person once they’re caught.  They may have promised to do it.  They may have fantasized about doing it, but when push comes to shove, many cling to their marriages when the fantasy of the affair comes crashing down.

Many of them quickly realize that they were stupid to risk their marriage and because of this, they will say or do anything to placate their spouse and to not get kicked out of their home and be the recipient of an immediate divorce.

You want the other woman gone immediately?  Check.  You want to go to counseling?  Sure.  You want him to banish any proof or memory of her? No problem.  But as he is promising you these things, he doesn’t consider that there is one other person whom he will have to face – the other woman.

And he may show up full of resolve.  Or he may call her with the full intention of getting off of the phone immediately.  But he may not count on her reaction.  It’s rare that the other woman just accepts this reality and then ends the conversation.  No, she usually has questions.  She wants to debate this.  She wants to know what has changed.  She wants to draw his attention to those promises that he made her.  She doesn’t want to hear that he is recommitting himself to his wife or to his marriage.

Understandably, a wife can have no patience for all of these questions or requests for clarification.  She wants her husband to end it and to cut off all contact.  A wife might say: “my husband assured me that he would break off the affair and then completely cut the other woman off.  I listened as he told her that it was over and frankly, he was very decisive and firm.  You would think that this was the end of it, but it’s not.  I find emails from her.  I find texts.  Granted, most of the time it is her trying to get an answer out of him and he is resistant.  And there isn’t anything that in the correspondence that is obviously inappropriate.  But it’s inappropriate that he responds at all.  He says she keeps having questions about why this happened.  He says that she needs closure.   I don’t care about any of these things.   I don’t care if she lies awake at night with unanswered questions whirling in her head.  She knew he was married.  End of story.  She deserves whatever unanswered questions she gets.  How do I get him to stop answering her stupid questions?”

I think that you have to make it very clear to him that if he gives her any “in” at all, she is going to take it.  She may mistake the slightest response for interest when it is not.  He may genuinely think that it is kind to try to patiently answer her questions and to try to give her the closure that will let her down easily.  But honestly, she is probably never going to stop having questions.  No answer is going to satisfy her.  And she’s probably never going to truly get closure because this isn’t ending in the way that she wants it to.  Continuing contact just gives her hope.  And if it is truly over, there is no hope.

So like it or not, your husband is going to need to be firm.  He may have to say something like: “this is honestly the last time that we are going to talk.  I’ve answered your questions to the best of my ability. Beyond that, I just don’t have any more answers for you.  And going around and around like this isn’t helping anyone. So this is going to be it. Please respect what I am saying and don’t contact me again.  It won’t do any good.”

After this, he should not have any further contact.  He should block her if need be or change his number or email if she can’t be blocked.  Having to do all of this is unfortunate, but it is necessary.  Because having her still reaching out is just stringing her along, frustrating the wife, and stalling everyone’s healing.  And if the affair is really over, then this is all very unnecessary.

In order for healing to take place, there really should be only two people present in your marriage.  The quicker you know that she is out of your life, the quicker you can move on.  Your husband has to understand this.  Continuing to communicate in any way is confusing to everyone and just delays things.  Recovery is hard enough, so it’s best to make a clean break.  I was lucky in that my husband did just that, but we had other issues to deal with. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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