My Husband Says He Feels A Passion For His Mistress That He Doesn’t Feel With Me

by: katie lersch:  I recently heard from a wife who was trying to get her husband to leave his mistress.  On the one hand, the husband was insisting that he still loved his wife and wanted to save the marriage.   But on the other hand,  he refused to leave the other woman.  He just wasn’t willing to let her go.  This infuriated the wife.  She didn’t understand what the mistress could possibly offer the husband that she couldn’t.  She continued to press him and finally the husband admitted that he felt a “passion” for the other woman that he didn’t feel for his wife.

Needless to say, the wife was stunned and furious to hear this.  She said in part: “how are you supposed to respond or feel when your husband tells you that he feels passion for another woman that he doesn’t feel for you?  This floors me on so many levels because my first priority was my marriage.  I can’t picture myself divorced and I don’t want my children to grow up not living with their father.  But I don’t know how I can possibly overcome or compete with this passion thing.  Part of me thinks I should try to heat things up between us, but the other part of me thinks that I want nothing to do with him while he’s having a passionate relationship with someone else.”

Although I marveled at the husband’s candor, this situation isn’t all that uncommon.  Men often use words like passion, chemistry, or intensity when they describe what they feel or hope that they have with the other woman.  After all, they’re trying to justify their actions.  So they’re going to try to build up this relationship and present it as something that is just too strong or too special to resist.  The thing that many do not understand is that, with time and reality, they will eventually realize that their “passion” was all a facade that is going to fade with time anyway.  I’ll tell you why in the following article.

Although Your Husband May Be Taking About Or Feeling Passion With The Mistress Now, Chances Are That The Intensity Is Not Going To Last: It’s very common for men to say that the other woman makes them feel “alive” or “invigorated” in the early stages of the relationship.  This is when everything is new and they are still hiding the affair.  This sort of clandestine relationship enhances the excitement which they often see or mistake  as passion.  But at this point, the wife knew all about the affair.  They weren’t sneaking around any longer so some of the excitement associated with that was going to end.

Also, as the relationship between the people who are cheating ages, those intense feelings will often wane in the same way that it has between the two spouses.  People often really want to believe that they’ve met their soul mate or their one true love when they cheat (since this is how they justify their behavior) but this is rarely the case.  Statistics about the longevity of relationships that begin in deception are not good or promising.   They show that chances are very good that the relationship will not last.

So, What Do You Do When You Want To Save Your Marriage But Your Husband Is Claiming To Have This Passionate Love Affair With Someone Else? That’s not a decision that I can make for you.  I can tell you that although it may be tempting to try to compete with the other woman while the cheating is still happening, it’s rarely a healthy thing for you in the end.   Trying to generate passion with your husband when you know that he’s doing the same with someone else is probably going to be a painful experience and it doesn’t usually help your marriage either (because awkwardness and resentment usually cloud the whole process.)

It’s my opinion that you will have a better chance of success (assuming that you want to save your marriage) if you make it clear that while you are open to the idea of salvaging your marriage at a later time, you’re not going to even start the process until he has completely ended the relationship with the mistress.  Sometimes, he will chose you.  Other times, you may have to wait until their relationship fizzles out or ends.  But when it does, you have put yourself in a much better situation than if you’re trying to compete with the other woman.

Many wives understand this in theory but they aren’t sure how to respond to a husband who is swearing that he loves them but has conflicted feelings.  A suggestion might be something like: “I hear   your words, but I can’t respond to them until I know that I am only dealing with only the two of us.  I can’t continue to be intimate with you when I know that you are being intimate with someone else.  If and when you end the relationship, then I might be willing to listen and to eventually try to salvage our marriage.  Until then, I’m going to be working on myself because it’s not healthy or right for me to have a physical relationship with you when you are not being faithful.”

And the “working on yourself” part should not be empty words.  It’s likely that your self esteem has been hugely affected by this.  Never underestimate your own needs right now.  It’s perfectly fine (and advisable) to turn your attention away from them and to focus in on yourself. That way, when or if your husband does end the relationship, you will be stronger and more in tune with what you want and need.

If My Husband Ends The Affair, Will We Ever Get The Passion Back In Our Marriage?: Many wives feel a great deal of anxiety about this question.  They worry that their husband will never feel for them the same way that he feels about the mistress.  They feel stress because they think that the mistress has some sort of hold over their husband or some sort of sexual prowess with which they can’t compete.  And unfortunately, these doubts can really hurt your confidence level which in turn can hurt your chemistry which affect the quality of the sex that you might be having in the future.

I believe that it is possible to regain the passion after an affair, but it does take time and healing.  Most people do not appreciate the connection between the health of your marriage and your own self esteem with the sex that comes out of this. It’s usually not until your marriage, your trust, and your confidence is back on solid ground that you begin to get the sexual chemistry and passion back.  This was a major issue for me.  If you’d like to read more about how I healed, you can check out my blog at

There’s also a resource for restoring sexual confidence (her secrets) on the side of this blog.

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