My Husband Says He Loves Me And Yet He Continues On With The Affair.
By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are wondering if their husband is lying when he claims to love them while carrying on an affair that he can not seem to let go of. The wives often suspect him of lying and of being present only because he doesn’t want to pay for a divorce.
I heard from a wife who said: “when I caught my husband cheating, he begged me to stay. He said he did not want a divorce and he could not stand to lose me. I told him that I could not be married to a man who cheats. But he made me promise to give him a month to make it up to me and then to make a decision as to whether I would stay or leave. During that month, things really did improve. My husband was attentive and loving. In many ways, we rediscovered one another. So after that month, I agreed to stay. Today, things are going relatively well for us. I do believe that my husband loves me. He tells me this all the time but he also shows me this with the way that he looks at me and with the way that he treats me when we are together. However, a couple of days ago, I saw a text from the other woman. She was reaching out to him. I asked my husband about this and he finally admitted that she was still trying to contact him. He admitted that he talks to her pretty regularly but says that nothing physical has or will happen. I told him that he isn’t truthful about loving me if he continues to do this behind my back. He disagrees and says that he can love me and still be struggling with this. So what is true? Can a man love his wife and still carry on an affair?”
I am probably not the best person to whom to address this question. I went through this recovery myself and I have to admit that one non negotiable aspect of trying to save my marriage was that there be no contact with the other person. With that said, I do know that it is a very common issue. The wife often thinks that he should not even have to think about this. She feels that if he really loves her, it should be absolutely automatic that he is going to completely cut the other person out of his life. She sees it as a very simple decision. If he decides he wants this marriage, then he will end anything to do with the other woman or with the affair.
I tend to agree with this. But I also admit that many husbands in this situation comment on my blog that it is just not quite as simple as that. Many insist that it is possible to love and be involved with two women. They will often insist that they love their wife in a different way than they love the other woman. They will often tell you that they have no doubt that they will grow old with their wife and spend the rest of their life with her and yet they just can not let the other woman go at this very moment.
Or they will insist that it is the other woman who is pursuing them and now they are in a situation where they have to act in a way that makes them extremely uncomfortable or is going to hurt someone who they never wanted to hurt. I can understand how some of these defenses could be truthful and legitimate. But, I still believe that if your wife and your marriage is as important that you claim, you will make the difficult decisions and do whatever is necessary to make this a priority.
How To Address This Situation: Frankly, only the wife could decide if she was going to draw a line in the sand and demand that he end even the verbal communication immediately. But my opinion is this. Although he may love you and still be finding a way to continue on with the affair, you have a choice as to whether or not you are going to accept this. If you allow him to continue this, then you also have to accept that you may not have a quick resolution. This could go on for much longer than either of you want.
To avoid this, a suggested script might be something like: “I honestly do believe that you love me. I don’t question that. But what I do question is your interpretation of that love. A loving relationship typically does not include three people. If you truly love me, then I would think that you wouldn’t want to hurt me. And this is hurting me more than I can tell you. I can’t participate in this relationship when there is someone else. I can’t rebuild our marriage until I’m secure that I’m the only woman in it. I am asking you to end this relationship and show your love for me by cutting off all ties. I understand that she is the one reaching out to you, but you can ignore her or change your phone number. I am asking you to make me your priority. I am asking you to stop going behind my back. And I believe that if you truly love me, then you will put me first regardless of your conflicting feelings.”
I know that this is a difficult situation. But you deserve to come first. And if he can’t do that right now, then it is up to you to put yourself first and focus on your own healing and on giving yourself what you need until he is also ready to do that.
As I alluded to, this wasn’t the biggest problem in our recovery, but we had plenty of issues to overcome. We worked very hard and the effort was more than worth it. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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