My Husband Apparently Told The Other Woman He’s In Love With Her And He’s Telling Me The Same Thing

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are in the unfortunate situation of sharing information with the woman with whom their husband has been cheating.  Often, the other woman has contacted the wife but sometimes, it is the other way around. Sometimes, whether it is intentional or not, they end up comparing notes.  And this is when it can appear that the husband is making the same claims to two different women, only one of whom is his wife.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair with a coworker who I know casually because she has been in his office for years.  My husband told me about the affair himself and assured me that he had ended it.  Yesterday, when I saw on my husband’s office number on the caller ID, I assumed that it was my husband calling, but it wasn’t.  It was the other woman.  She said she was calling to tell me that my husband was still pursuing her no matter what he was telling me.  I told her that I was ending the conversation, because we were going to save our marriage.  I very directly told her that I wanted her out of our lives.  She told me that she is not going to be out of my life because my husband told her just last night that he was in love with her and wasn’t going to let her go.  Well, that’s all very interesting because just last night and this morning he told me how much he loved me and how much he was going to make all of this up to me. So now I don’t know what to think.”

This was obviously a very difficult situation.  And if the other woman was telling the truth, then the couple was going to need to have a very serious discussion.  But notice that I said if the other woman was telling the truth because I don’t think that you should automatically take what she says as fact.

Why The Other Woman Might Have An Incentive To Lie: Since you weren’t there, you can’t know what actually happened.  Only two people know what really happened when the husband supposedly broke it off.  And both have their own motivations in regards to the story that they present to the wife.  The husband supposedly wanted to save his marriage, so he was going to slant his story toward that goal.

But, let’s think about what the other woman potentially wants.  She may be fine with the affair ending and she may not.  If she’s not, then she might be interested in causing problems.  One way she might do this is to create doubt for the wife.  Because she might figure that if she can cause problems for this couple, then perhaps the wife will kick the husband out or maybe the marriage will struggle.  Either one of these things will make it more likely that the husband will resume the affair. That’s why I don’t advocate communicating with the other woman or listening to what she says.

How To Approach Your Husband About This:  I know that it’s very tempting to immediately start yelling at your husband the moment he walks in the door.  You might want to tell him that the reconciliation is off since he wants to pursue both of you.  But, before you do that, vow to hear his side of the story.  Again, the other woman may have an interest in creating problems for the two of you.  It’s not guaranteed that she is telling you the truth.

A suggested script might be something like: “I got an unfortunate phone call today.  I saw your office number and thought it was you so I picked up.  But it wasn’t you.  It was the other woman and she had something very interesting to tell me even though I tried very hard to break off the conversation.  She told me that just last night, you told her that you were in love with her and that you were still pursuing her.  I find this very interesting because you’re saying the same thing to me.  Is she telling me the truth? Because if this is true, we’re going to need to reevaluate.  I can’t try to reconcile with you if you’re telling another woman that you are in love with her.  So, what’s the real story? I think that we also need to talk about ways that you can distance yourself from her at work.  I don’t want her to continue to call.”

I can’t promise that your husband is going to be completely honest at this point.  Hopefully, he will.  But he will know that you will be watching him very closely and will be paying particularly close attention to his sincerity and to his behaviors.

Also, you might want to consider changing your phone number if this continues on.  The other woman was still obviously somewhat invested and she might not just give up willingly.  You might also want to ask your husband for his cell phone and email information so that you can make sure they aren’t communicating.  You do want to check up, but you do not want to become obsessed with this.  Because again, there are no guarantees that she is telling the truth.  And, in time, it will usually become apparent where his loyalties truly lie.

It’s so unfortunate when the other woman has to make an already difficult situation even worse.  Always remember that it is your husband with whom you should be dealing. At the end of the day, you want her out of your life.  So don’t give her an invitation into it. Your focus should be your own healing and your marriage (if you still want to save it.)  And I know that might seem impossible right now, but I promise it isn’t.  If it helps, you can read about my own healing after my husband’s infidelity on my blog

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