My Husband’s Lover / Other Woman Wanted Me To Know About Them So I’d Leave My Husband And It Worked. Now I Regret It

By: Katie Lersch: No matter how you find out about your spouse’s affair, this event was likely very painful. I’m sure that all scenarios of discovery are excruciating. However, I can think of few scenarios worse than being told by a smug “other woman” that your husband is not only cheating, but cheating with her, the bearer of the bad news. It just seems that many of these women absolutely revel in delivering this blow to unsuspecting wives. Understandably, the wife will often take her shock and pain out on the husband. Many of these wives kick their husbands out and consider leaving their marriages – which is EXACTLY what the other woman was hoping for all along. And once this realization hits, the wife can wonder if she hasn’t played right into the other woman’s hand.

Here’s an example. A wife might say: “I honestly have never been so shocked in my life as when this woman approached me when I was walking to my car after work and told me that she had some news for me. I thought that she had mistaken me for someone else. I’d never seen her before in my life. And she frankly didn’t look like someone who I would associate with. Once she had my attention, she told me that she had been sleeping with my husband for three months and that, no matter what I wanted, she was going to be with my husband because they belonged together. She assured me that my wishes didn’t matter. Looking back, I wish that I would have said so many things to her, but I was so shocked, I really could not say much of anything. And I went right home, confronted my husband, and told him to get out. He begged me not to overreact, but I didn’t want to hear anything that he had to say. I assumed that he would immediately go to be with the other woman – just like she claimed. Well, now it has been four weeks. And a mutual friend of myself and my husband’s has told me that it has long been over between them and that the other woman’s ‘confession’ was simply a ploy to get me out of the picture so that she could make a play to get my husband back. Apparently, she is still trying to get him to resume the affair. Now, I feel completely duped. I might have kicked my husband out anyway. But I feel like she is playing games and I let her to do this to me. Part of me wants to allow my husband to come back simply so that her plan will fail and she won’t be able to get her claws into my husband. But the other part of me is very angry with him and doesn’t want him anywhere near me. Still, I regret acting so hastily. But I’m not sure what I can do about it.”

I am not sure if you are in any contact with your husband. But that might be a start. I understand how you feel, but panicking about the other woman getting her hooks into your husband should not be the sole motivation for taking him back. There is a lot of work and healing that has to take place outside of that motivation.

Since your husband clearly did not want to leave, he would probably be willing to go to counseling with you or to meet regularly to begin to work toward healing. Both of these things would allow you to gauge BOTH of your feelings and wishes and would mean that you were in contact so that the other woman wouldn’t just have free reign. That said, if your husband truly wants the marriage and is committed to you, there should be nothing that the other woman could do to get her hooks back into him. Regardless of the situation with your marriage, if he is clear about it being over, then it should be over – with one situation not affecting the other.

How you found out about the cheating was painful and unfortunate, but that doesn’t negate the fact that the cheating happened and that there is work needed in order to make progress. I would think that reaching out to facilitate some type of communication with your husband would be a good first step. You don’t need to make any commitment. You can just see how it goes and how it all feels to you.

Many of us regret making snap judgements right after the affair, but these decisions are certainly understandable. This is pain and shock like no other. And the decision would not have been necessary if your husband didn’t cheat. There is plenty of blame and bad decisions to go around. However, if both you and your husband decide to commit to saving your marriage, there is nothing that can’t be undone. If you become satisfied that he is sincere and progress has been made, nothing says he can’t come home or that you can’t attempt to reconcile. However, I wouldn’t feel pressured to rush this simply because of the threat or presence of the other woman. Her wishes and motivations should not motivate you. Honestly, she shouldn’t have any say whatsoever. She tried to manipulate the situation because she was being shown the door. I’m sure she didn’t enjoy that, but her situation is a completely separate situation from your marriage. And your choice should boil down to your wishes about your own marriage – and not her failed affair.

In my own case, I ultimately did decide to take my husband back.  But it had nothing to do with the other woman and everything to do with my children and the life that my husband and myself had built.  I did not want to just hand that over because of someone else’s actions.   You can  read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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