My Spouse Kicked Me Out After My Affair. Do I Ever Stand A Chance Again?

By: Katie Lersch:  Often, when people are carrying out an affair, they know somewhere deep in their hearts that they may one day be caught.  But they will often push these worries down.  Having an affair can actually be pretty stressful.  You can only handle so many things at one time, so it is sometimes easier to try to ignore the worries, while you hope and pray that this will never come to pass anyway.

Until it does.  Often, the question is not if you will get caught.  But when you will get caught.  And it is often not until you’re actually completely busted and until you have to deal with your shocked and wounded spouse that the full brunt of your mistake hits you.   It is only then that you realize that you might forever lose your spouse.  Never is this more apparent as when you are abruptly and without debate kicked out of your own home.  Things can happen so fast that there is very little time to process things, much less to look on the bright side.  When your spouse doesn’t want to live with you and hesitates to even talk to you, then you can begin to wonder if you are ever going to have any kind of chance with them again.

You might hear a cheating spouse say: “you know, I always knew that I might get caught cheating, which is why I did try to break off the affair many times.  I knew that something bad could come out of this, but I never expected that my husband would kick me out of the house.  To be fair, he has this right, as the home was his before we got married.  However, we have kids and I never thought that he would be willing to look after the kids himself.  His mother is helping out, which means that his mother knows what I did and will hate me forever.  So far, my husband allows me to see my kids as much as I want.  And as long as we are with our kids, he is very cordial to me.  But when the kids are not around, he becomes cold and shuts down.  The other day, I told him that one day I hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me because I regret my actions so much and I know that this is all my fault.  My husband said that he’s not sure that something like this is forgivable.  He welcomes me into the house when I’m spending time with the kids, but not otherwise.  I’m starting to think that this might be a permanent thing and that just breaks my heart.  Is there any way that I might ever have a chance with him again?  I know that I messed up and I would not squander another chance if I received one.”

While I can’t predict what stance your husband might take, I can tell you that I eventually gave my husband another chance, even though he had an affair.  But I did not make it easy on him.  And I made him work for it.  Because I needed to know that if I trusted him again and allowed myself to be vulnerable again, that I would not be hurt again.  When you ask your spouse to allow you back into their heart and their home, you are asking for quite a lot.  Because the hurt that you feel from being betrayed in this way is not something that is easy to get over.  Nor is it easy to forget.

I can’t speak for your husband, but I would think that in order to increase the chances of him allowing you the opportunity to make this right in the future, you will have to show him someone who is remorseful and trustworthy.  Make the most of the time that you have with your family.  Make it very clear that you are invested and that you will take whatever he can give you.  Be patient.  He’s hurting.  And it will take time for him to heal. The last thing that he needs is pressure.  Instead, give him remorse, patience, support, and understanding.  If you show him these things – over and over again – he may eventually feel that it might be safe to believe in you again.  But it takes time.  And you have to be willing to stick by him even when he’s understandably angry, scared, and frustrated.

There was definitely a time when I felt relatively sure that my marriage was over and that I would never give my husband another chance to cheat on me ever again.  But my kids were a big factor in my being open to seeing what happened.  And my husband did the rest.  He made our marriage (and restoring my trust) his top priority.  He found us counseling and although I know that he didn’t like attending, he did so because he thought it might help.  He spent tons of time at home.  He stopped going out. And he was patient and supportive.  When I was angry and lashed out at him, he must have figured that he deserved it because he just allowed me to vent while offering more support.  I am sure that none of this was easy for him.  None of it was easy for me, either.  But because he hung in there and showed me that he was serious about our marriage, I eventually decided to hang in there, too.  That might end up being the case with you, but in order for that to happen, you have to make it clear that you are remorseful and that you will will do what it takes to make this right.  His allowing you access to the home is a good sign.  Now you just have to make the most of it.

I hope this article didn’t discourage you.  I’m honest about the fact that I did not make it easy for my husband to regain my trust.  But the gradual process meant that I knew that I could trust in it (and in him,) which was very important to me.  You can read more about how we recovered our marriage at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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