My Spouse Says She’s No Longer Attracted To Me After I Had An Affair

By: Katie Lersch: Many people expect for their spouses to see them differently after the affair is found out. And I can tell you from experience that this is very true. You struggle with the knowledge that the person you thought you were married to is not who you assumed him to be. Many people assume that this is a struggle with their character, but this can encompass other areas too, like physical attraction.

I might hear from a husband who says: “my wife has every right to be mad at me or even to hate me because of my affair. I don’t have any valid excuse for it. Except for to say that my child’s illness has effected every aspect of my life including my outlook on life and on my marriage. I was prepared for my wife to say that she didn’t trust me anymore. I was even prepared for her to say that she didn’t respect me. But I was not prepared for her to say that she was no longer attracted to me. She said that she was wondering about what the other woman saw in me as I am overweight, balding, and pale. And when she thought these things, she realized that they were all true. And now, apparently because of this, she finds me a turn-off. She is not attracted to me anymore, so she is not sure if she wants to stay married. I don’t know how to respond to this. I look the same as I did before the affair and she seemed attracted to me then. I don’t know how much I can change my appearance. I could probably lose some weight but I can’t change my skin tone or hair. What can I do about this? Should I just accept that she’s never going to love or want me again?”

Admittedly, this is a tough situation. It hurts to hear these things, but at the same time, deep down, part of you might think that you deserve it. And part of you might realize that she is probably looking for reasons to hate you as part of a defense mechanism. You might even hope that in time, as she comes to see your personality and character as more favorable, that she will see your physical appearance as more favorable also. All of these things are possible, but it’s important to remember that she has every right to feel however she might be feeling right now, although it admittedly seems mean-spirited.  But she is probably motivated more by pain than malice.

Part of me will always see this situation from the perspective of the faithful spouse because that is where my experience lies. This may be useful to you, though because I can give you perspective on what your spouse might be thinking or feeling. I agree that, especially when the detection of the affair is fresh and new, you are looking for reasons to be mad at your spouse. You figure that the more you can be mad at and dislike him, the less this is going to hurt you.

So yes, you pick apart his flaws. You look for things to detest about him. You may even make fun of him in your own mind. But, you are trying to act toward your own self-preservation. When the dust settles a little and when you can’t help but notice glimpses of him showing integrity and good character or when he tries to put your well-being and your healing in front of his own, you might begin to notice that mental list of all the things wrong with him begins to get smaller and smaller. As you replace his bad characteristics with good ones in your own mind, the way that you have been treating him may begin to change.

I can’t tell you if your wife is lying about no longer being attracted to you after the affair. I believe that she may really believe it. I also believe that right now, she probably feels that it is in her best interest to feel in the defensive way that she does. You can not blame her. Finding out that your spouse cheated on you is beyond painful and you will often do whatever you need to do in order to get through this, including telling yourself that you don’t really want your cheating spouse anymore and are better off without him.

It’s normal to ask yourself what the other woman saw in him and then to tell yourself that he doesn’t have any outstanding physical attributes, but this doesn’t mean that you really mean it, deep down. As far as this husband changing his appearance, I am not sure that it would make a difference.

I suspect that the better tactic would be to begin trying to make this right. No matter what is going to happen in your marriage, trying to treat your wife with dignity, respect, and remorse is the right thing to do. Conducting yourself with integrity is the right thing to do. She might not be receptive to you at first. But if you stay the course, over time, she may see that you are sincere. And when she does, her attitude may begin to slowly change. And this may include her attitude toward your appearance.

I will admit that I picked apart everything about my husband after his affair, including his appearance.  But as he showed me the man that I loved was still there, my feelings toward his appearance began to change very gradually. If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I attempted to handle this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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